Protégé and Premier Danseur

Preparation and Womanhood

 

8.  Protégé and Premier Danseur[57]

 

“Life is not meaningless, but very purposeful! 

To live with purpose is to live with hope!”[58]

 

“To be involved in God’s work, you must be a servant. 

Many Scripture passages describe Jesus as God’s Servant. 

He came as a servant to accomplish God’s will in

the redemption of humanity.”[59]

 

 

After taking a six-month break from journaling, on January 1, 1984, Vicki wrote this simple entry:

WE’RE ON STAFF AT WEAG!

 

To say that life became more fun and hectic would be a gross understatement.  I was now the Youth and Education Pastor at West End Assembly of God, having taken the Youth Ministry portfolio from Bob and the Education portfolio from John.  WEAG was growing; it already had roughly 500 people attending on any given Sunday.

I asked Dr. Rhoden, after he extended the invitation to join his staff, why he would want me to serve as his Youth and Education Pastor when I was not an expert in either field.  He paid me one of the nicest compliments given me in my entire life.  He simply said, “Lowell, I just want you.  You’re the right guy.”

It would be another year before Vicki would put pen-to-journal page.  On February 19, 1985 she wrote:

[I want] to know what gifts and talents God wants me to develop into a ministry.  Do I accept the position of Social Director and Choir Council Member?  This would take a lot of time and effort … [but is this] ministry?  [Or] Do I start a Young Mothers Ministry?  There seems to be a real need and desire for it on the part of the women, but am I the one to start it? 

I’ve been vacillating since last summer on this and can’t seem to get a firm answer.  Part of me wants to lead it and part of me says I’ll never be able to follow through – I’ll fall flat on my face and humiliate myself (emphasis mine) and the leadership of the church. 

Is this the right time in my life?  The boys are still young and very demanding.  Should I focus my energy on them right now as “my ministry” or can I do both well?  I know it would be very fulfilling … but only if it were God’s will.

Proverbs 19:21 – “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

 

Throughout her journal you can trace Vicki’s search for “her ministry.”  When she wasn’t writing about it she was wondering about it.  She’d ask me, “Lowell, do you think ‘this’ is my ministry?” or “Honey, do you think ‘this’ is what I’m supposed to do?”  I just encouraged her to pursue any opportunity to serve at the church, and see it as an opportunity to stretch and grow her abilities and God-given gifts.  I urged her not to wait until her giftings were finely tuned, but instead to risk imperfection for the sake of experience.  My counsel to my hesitant and basically shy wife was simple:  Have confidence that God wants you to grow, mature, and polish the talents and gifts He has already placed in your life. 

One day I told Vicki, “While you’re growing and stretching, don’t give in to the temptation to compare yourself to others.  You may not have their gifts, but they don’t have yours, or your God ordained ‘reason for being.’  Just seize the day - Carpe Diem!”

We had recently heard the Latin phrase, “Carpe Diem!”  According to the fictional teacher John Keating (played by Robin Williams) in the movie, Dead Poet’s Society, carpe diem meant, “seize the day!”  That translation has now been popularized.  Vicki and I began trying, more intentionally, to take advantage of opportunities as they came along.  Someone said, “Seize the opportunity of a lifetime in the lifetime of the opportunity.”  It is true – every opportunity has a window of time in which a person must act, or the opportunity will be gone … sometimes forever. 

Vicki was so afraid of offending God.  I’d remind her, “If, by chance, you get ahead of God and you begin to do something He doesn’t want you to do, He’s big enough to put on the brakes and stop you, or ‘close the door.’”  I went to compliment her.  “I know this about you, Vicki – you’re very anxious to please God.  He knows that, too, so trust that your spiritual ear will pick up on His desires.”

Whenever she and I talked about ministry opportunities we used the phrase “an open door” to describe the prospect or the potential.  It’s a great word-picture.  You and I can walk through an open door, but we’re blocked when we come to “a closed door.”  Simple, but that analogy worked for us.  Vicki and I believed that God was The Doorkeeper of our lives, our hearts, and our destinies.  We believed that way because of the language Jesus used to describe Himself to one of the early churches.  He said, “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can shut.”[60]

Over the two-and-a-half years we worked at West End, Vicki occupied herself in a variety of ministries.  Her first love was The Music and Fine Arts Ministry.  She sang in the choir – sometimes a little flat, and sometimes a little sharp, but always alto.  She complained, “Why is it that God gave me such a love for worship and music, and such a below-average voice?”  She served on the Choir Council, and was the assistant Social Director, by the way.

Vicki also danced in Christmas and Easter church productions.  She loved to dance.  She brought to the stage the flair and excitement of her days as a high school and college cheerleader, the grace and humility of a battle-tested veteran of young motherhood, and the poise of a princess.

However, if you asked her what were the most soul-satisfying things she did during our time at West End, Vicki would passionately tell you, “First, working with the girls that attended the Youth group … and second, the Young Moms ministry.”

I don’t think I can put into words how much she loved young women.  As her gifts continued to mature, Vicki came to think of women in the 16-29 year range as her mission field.

Vicki liked to have a teenaged girl or a young mother over to our apartment; it was a rare day if she didn’t set aside time for a one-on-one Bible study, or if she wasn’t teaching someone the finer points of personal prayer.  There were other days when I’d walk into our home to find her surrounded by females.   They were either putting on mascara during a cosmetic party or crying off their mascara during a group hug!

Vicki loved women and had the ability to make them feel valuable.  I think one of her special gifts was her capacity to be equally comfortable with thirty-year-olds or thirteen-year-olds.  I also noticed that the women she loved came in all shapes, and colors.

One day I came home to find her deeply engrossed in a conversation with three black women.  Vicki had invited each of their sons over to play with our boys had asked the ladies to stay for something to drink.  It was in mid-Diet Coke that Vicki had asked them, “Help me understand what it means to be a black woman in Richmond, Virginia?”

From my retreat in the back bedroom I could eavesdrop easily (yeah, I know, I know), and I heard the volume rise as these wounded ladies vented their anger.  Her guests were furious about the politics of being black, the frustrations of dealing with the epidemic of truant teens and absent fathers, the inequality of the educational system, and the injustice of the court system.  But they spent most of their time describing their worries about the lack of economic opportunities their sons and daughters would face in the future – all because of the color of their skin.

I noted two things that day in particular:  these wounded women trusted her … and they trusted her because they seemed to know she loved them.

Vicki had touched a very sore spot.  She could only listen, and she did so intently, as the issues of our society came into her living room.  She had raised the question.  The painful responses came at her invitation.   What she heard that day – the unfiltered apprehensions of broken-hearted African American women – made a deep impression on Vicki. 

Later that night Vicki nestled into my arms, teared up, and asked me, “Have you ever thought about how different our lives would be had we been born black?”  And without giving me time to answer she said, “Until today I had never given much thought to the pain and anger that our black friends live with.  I’ll never forget what I heard today.”

And she didn’t.  Years later Vicki worked for several banks in the Richmond area, and while she was at work she would deliberately connect with black females.  She would seek them out.  She had a warmth about her when it came to her black coworkers and customers.  It wasn’t driven by political correctness, employment expectations, or guilt for past historical wrongs.  It was real love.

The years we served on staff at West End were amazing, and the pastoral team I joined was first-rate.  (Some would suggest that they lost their “A” rating when I came on board!)  For me, serving at West End was like going to graduate school.  I was a sponge – soaking up all Rhoden, Hershman and Laughlin would share of their life and ministry experience. 

Vicki, too, was treated to an education the likes of which she never expected but very much needed.  She touched on what she was learning on May 6, 1986:

Proverbs 27:17 NLT – “As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.”

Lord, Mentor me!  Take charge of my life.

I feel like a failure as the ‘good mom’ I always thought I would be.  Instead of communicating love and acceptance to my boys, I’m being impatient and irritable.  Since working part-time [at the bank], it seems that I never take time to sit down and just be with them.  I feel like I’m tearing down their self-esteem more than building it up.  Lord, help me.

I’m so willing to give extra hours to the choir, the church, [etc.] to the neglect of my boys.  I need to make more time for them.

 

Being on staff at a large and growing church can be intoxicating.  Working with teenagers, where the only constant is change, is never boring.  Receiving praise (and raises) at work can drive any normal person to prioritize lesser things.  It’s as if a prima dona resides in all of our hearts, and she’s just waiting to be loosed. 

Vicki and I talked about the temptation “the praise of men” is for all of us.  She talked about the appeal of being perceived as a role model to mothers, and a heroine for young teenage girls.  She talked about how tempting it was for her to abandon the boys and me for the admiration she felt.  I confessed to her my love of my position, and the sense of fulfillment my work seemed to provide me (and the paycheck that came with the work).

The television show American Idol is a window into the soul of our culture.  It gives us glimpses into the minds of Hollywood-blinded, fame-seeking-at-the-expense-of-everything-that’s-precious star-wanna-bes.  Weekly it shows us the ugliness that can reside in the heart of every person with talent … or a person who thinks they have talent.

We began to see that Brandon and Chris were being neglected, even as Vicki was moving closer to center stage.  But rather than succumb to temptation, and justifying what had become an imbalanced and self-satisfying lifestyle, Vicki and I caught on.   Really, God got our attention.  God began to show us our hearts, our motives for ministry, and the lack of fruit such shallowness brought with it, and He did it just in time.  We said later that if we had entered into our next phase of ministry with such a fleshy, immature mindset, we might never have recovered.  That said – our short stint at West End was a significant period of preparation for both of us.  It readied our hearts for our turn in the limelight.

In the Spring of 1986 I began receiving inquiries from several churches about my availability for either a senior pastor or senior associate pastor position.  Churches in Kansas City, Missouri and Akron, Ohio had gone to the expense of flying the whole family out for visits, and a church in Virginia Beach made a serious invitation.

Vicki encouraged me to get away by myself and spend whatever time was necessary to hear from God.  I packed a briefcase with my Bible and a legal pad, took along a change of clothes, a cassette player and some worship tapes.  When I got to my place of retreat I put everything in the middle of the carpeted floor, filled a jug with water, and announced to God, “I’m here until You speak to me.”  (I intended to fast, pray, and wait for God’s direction, however long it took.)

The following morning I woke up early, returned to my spot in the middle of the bungalow’s floor, and soon began to see a “picture” of what God had in store for my family and me.  It wasn’t just one picture but a full-blown vision – in TechniColor™, full Dolby™ surround-sound, and special effects – that lasted over two hours!

I raced back to our apartment and told Vicki everything … that God had told me not to go to Kansas City, Akron, or Virginia Beach!  Instead He had called me to plant a new church on the southern side the James River, about 20 miles from West End Assembly of God.

My excitement about something so new and challenging blew Vicki away.  She had sent me merrily along my way to hear which of the three safe options mentioned above God had in store for our future.   I had come back with something scary.

She listened conscientiously as I presented “the vision” (as it would be known for the next 19 years) for the first time.  From time to time she’d ask a question for clarification.  After about two hours of presentation and Q&A, I asked her, “So … what do you think?”

She hesitated.  The pause turned into a minute – one of those minutes that feel like an hour.  Then, with a gentleness in her voice that I can still hear to this day she said, “Lowell, I believe you know how to hear the voice of God.  Let’s do it!”

Vicki was fond of telling me from the early days of our marriage, “You are the one God has called.  I’m just along for the ride.”  But in the summer of 1986 that changed.  She realized God had ordained that she and I partner in ministry; God had our partnership in mind from our mothers’ wombs.  Vicki believed that our story took its most dramatic and important turn on a mid-summer day in 1986.  She would note later, in much detail, that God had answered her “Why am I here?” question, for all time.

On August 17, 1986 she wrote,

Trinity Assembly of God – Best Western-Governor’s Inn, Midlothian Turnpike, Richmond, Virginia.

God gave Lowell a vision for the Southside, and we’re starting a brand new church.  First Sunday over 40 people came – SO EXCITING.  It’s scary, too, though.  We’ve bought our first house.  Will the $$ be there?  I have to trust God.  He’s never failed us yet.

 

Vicki was created for Trinity.  Her greatest joy, beside motherhood, would be to live for Trinity.  About a month later, on September 16, she added:

What an exciting evening!  [Wednesday night Bible study]  … I’ve been praying several months about being used by God in special ministry.  I was so scared and unsure … I felt so unworthy afterwards, and [yet] so amazed that God would use me … [but] it seemed to magnify my faults – laziness in prayer and Bible study; complacency; a lack of witnessing to friends; God’s low priority in my life [again] …

I know I can never really be worthy of God and His gifts, but I want to draw closer to Him through prayer and His Word.  I need to discipline myself in these areas and develop new habits, and use my time more wisely.

This time in the young life of our church is too important to just drift through spiritually.  I need and desire a deeper “walk” with Him.

We had 77 in church last Sunday.  Almost every seat was full.  Praise God!!

 

I began to encourage Vicki to speak to the congregation.  She been so hesitant during our years in Bethesda and WEAG, but by the time we began pastoring Trinity she was much more willing.  It wasn’t long before her messages were impacting people’s lives.  One such day was Mother’s Day of 1988.

May 8, 1988 – Mother’s Day

When Lowell asked me to speak about being a woman and a mom, I knew there was so much I could say, so I decided to narrow it down to the factors, unique sets of circumstances, and events that happen in our lives that make us different from any other woman.  I zeroed in on what kinds of things build up and tear down our character, and those things that affect our self-esteem.

For me, my character building began when I was in 7th grade.  So many of the people at Trinity, when they look at me, think I’ve never had it tough, and they comment that I seem to “have it together.”  Things weren’t always that way.  In 7th grade I had corrective shoes.  Kids asked me why I was wearing saddle oxfords to school EVERY DAY.  Finally word leaked out that my feet were crooked.

In 8th grade my family moved to a new town.  I wanted to make friends, but I wore these big black-framed glasses, and I had a case of acne – the worst case anyone could imagine.  For years I had to have my facial skin “burned” with dry ice, and then peeled to keep my face from being scarred by the acne.  I always looked like I had a bad sunburn, and I was always peeling.  It was awful.

In High School it seemed like no one else my age was really a Christian, so the pool to draw my friends from was pretty shallow … plus I was so embarrassed by my glasses that I refused to wear them when I was walking in the halls … so everyone thought I was stuck up because I didn’t want to speak to anyone.  I didn’t want to be seen by anyone.

I didn’t feel like I fit in at all!  I heard Dr. Richard Dobbins say, “You aren’t what you think you are.  You aren’t what other think you are.  You ARE what you think others think you are.”

I finally had my chance to come out of my shell when I went away to college.  I had a roommate, Robyn, who I thought was everything I wanted to be – outspoken, outgoing, and strong leader and a wonderful speaker.  I thought she would be the ideal pastor’s wife, and maybe even the first female President of the United States!  I measured myself against Robyn all the time – I was too timid, too disorganized, and too afraid to speak in front of others.  I spent years trying to fit into Robyn’s mold, even though I was now married to Lowell, and he kept telling me that I was the ideal pastor’s wife.

Then, one day it happened:  I ran into Robyn’s dad – the pastor of a huge church in the state of Washington.  He told me that he had wanted to thank me for years!  For what?  He thanked me for having a “stabilizing effect” on Robyn’s life.  He said, “You had a valuable role in her character development.”  It blew me away.  (Today’s she’s on national TV, and she speaks to thousands of women every year … and I’m so proud of her!)

I realize now that God didn’t call or equip me to be Robyn.  He chose me, from my mother’s womb, to be the woman I am.  And I believe my most important ministry is to do a good job raising my sons, and supporting Lowell as we move forward in ministry.

Every event and circumstance in life is God’s investment in our character; He uses them to equip us for what He wants us to do, and who He wants us to be.  No one else is quite like ME.