The Waltz

4. The Waltz

 

Noisy talking and boisterous laughter in a ballroom are contrary to the rules of etiquette.  Always wear white gloves in a ballroom.  Usually a married couple does not dance together in society, but it is a sign of unusual attention for a husband to dance with his wife, and he may do so if he wishes.  Great care should be taken by a lady in refusing to dance with a gentleman.  After refusing, she should not accept another invitation.  When gentleman are introduced to ladies at a ball for the purpose of dancing, upon meeting afterward, they should wait to be recognized before speaking; but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing.  An introduction for dancing does not constitute a speaking acquaintance.[22]

 

Proverbs 24:11-12 (NIV) – “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter.  If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this, does not He who weighs the heart perceive it?  Does not He who guards your life know it?’  Will He not repay each person according to what he has done?”

Psalm 25:12 (NIV) – “Who then is the man (or woman) that fears the Lord?  He [God] will instruct him in the way chosen for him.”

God will show me what His plan is for my future ministry.  My responsibility is to be faithful in the little things right now so that I will be ready to do the bigger thing when it comes.

 

With those words Vicki began to log prayers, joys, random thoughts and soon … frustrations.  (Years later I referred to her journals as “… a record of dance lessons.”  She told me that sounded accurate, and interesting.)

Around this time Vicki attended an event that dramatically shaped her life.  She went to a ministers’ wives seminar in Columbus, Ohio.  Richard Dobbins was the featured speaker, and he had produced “a pastor’s wife’s portrait.”  Vic really respected Dr. Dobbins.  She had read some of his books and attended conferences where he had taught before.  His teachings had always stirred and challenged her.   However, this seminar impacted her like nothing else.

In her journal she noted Dr. Dobbins’ thirteen traits that he believed made pastors wives unique:

1.              Pastors’ wives are more prominent than spouses of other professionals.

2.              They are expected to fulfill the religious and “service” expectations of others.

3.              They must be willing to accept a life of sacrifice – financially, personally (including external restrictions and less time with their husbands).

4.              They can have no favorites when it comes to friendships.

5.              They must remain neutral in church management and theological decisions.

6.              They will find it difficult to establish and maintain their individuality without alienating some parishioners.

7.              They must find fulfillment through their husband and the church.

8.              She must authenticate her husband’s role as a godly man in the community.  That is, she must be a good woman in order to add to her husband’s stature as a good man.

9.              She is often involved “way over her head,” but without the congregation’s understanding (or sympathies).

10.           She is often “made” a leader (and forced into situations that demand leadership training and abilities) far beyond her natural giftedness.

11.           It is assumed she has been “trained” to be a preacher’s wife, and able to perform all the duties envisioned by all the parishioners.

12.           That’s why 80-85% of ministers’ wives have a problem adjusting to their role, and why depression is the most common problem among ministers’ wives.

13.           Finally … ministers’ wives need to develop an identity apart from their husband and his ministry.  It should be compatible with and yet separate from his calling as a pastor.

Vicki came back floating on air.  Many of the things Dr. Dobbins spoke about that weekend confirmed what she already knew and believed.  Suddenly she didn’t feel so ignorant.  She realized she had been on the right track.  As a result, her self-confidence grew immeasurably.  But she didn’t get puffed up as a result of that experience.  She just began to feel that she could see things reasonably and dispassionately, and therefore more accurately.  She was growing up.  For whatever reasons, Vicki had had feelings of insecurity when it came to her instincts.  This experience, more than any other, helped her begin to trust them.

Vicki was learning The Waltz of Life. 

Waltzing, as a dance, is said to be more instinctive than people realize.  It requires power and control, both inside and out.  And you never waltz alone.  The waltz is a partnership dance, like marriage.  I want to tie these two things – waltzing and marriage – together, and draw some conclusions.  When I ventured on-line to research the step-by-step process of dancing the waltz I saw how analogous it was to doing marriage well.[23]

For one thing, in order to do either marriage and waltzing requires a basic understanding of cooperation.

Second, both should be performed slowly and deliberately.  Kent Sterling of the Arthur Murray Dance Studios says of the dance, “Waltz is considered by competitive ballroom dancers to be one of the most difficult, and it’s because of the control … because it’s so slow.”  As for marriage, I’ve noticed that when it’s done well, each partner is practicing patience – both husband and life are being deliberate, maintaining self-control.  And slowing down allows for better listening.

I would have never guessed that, but think about it.  The waltz, the dance that seems so simple, is one of the hardest dances to do well because it requires muscle control in the legs, tender touch and exquisite balance.  The goal in waltzing is for each partner to appear as if they are gliding across the floor.  And that takes practice, practice, practice!

Vicki and I were learning to waltz each day in a coordinated way, and when we got it right, it was magic.  The more we understood the rules and practiced them, the better life got.  We learned that marriage, like waltzing, is not as easy. 

And for another thing, Vicki and I learned that marriage, when done well, is not safe.  There’s more to it than technique.  There’s risk involved.  It’s been said, “Dancers aren’t made of their technique, but their passion.”[24]  The very same thing can be said of marriage partners.

In today’s world marriage can be very risky.  So risky, in fact, that many people won’t try it … or try it again.  They say it’s better to be safe and single (but in relationship) than risk disappointment, pain or embarrassment in a marriage.  Who wants to embarrass themselves, or get hurt, in marriage … or on the dance floor?

Fear takes over.  And you can’t enjoy being married (or dancing) if you’re afraid.  Miranda Weese said, “Try to be fearless, because fear can inhibit you and keep you from a life.”[25]  You have to forget about being safe.  You have to risk being passionate.  Agnes De Mille said, “To dance is to be out of yourself.  Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.  This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.”[26]

Safe dancing is so … so … dull.  Boring.  There’s no real excitement.  Everything’s too predictable.  Imagine going through life never taking a risk.  It would be like living a perpetually overcast day – tedious, filled with monotony, dreariness and mind-numbing lifelessness.  There would be no bright colors, only the muted gray of existence.

Personality and experience comes into play in marriage.  Until we were married Vicki had lived a pretty safe life.  After we were married things began to change … slowly.  From time to time she’d strap on a bike helmet and hurtle downhill, or don a life jacket and take a few rides on the wild side of extreme river rafting, but those times were exceptions, not the rule. 

Me?  I’ve broken my nose seven times!  That ought to give you a clue as to what kind of life I’ve lived.  I’ve got a bad back and bad knees from repeatedly abusing my body – wrestling, playing football, doing a little boxing, etc.  Things change.  Now the only time I watch what I eat is if there’s a mirror on the wall of the fast-food restaurant.  I’ve got a serious addiction to Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.  I drive my Harley whenever I can, and when I’m in Hawaii I do so without a helmet.

Over time, as Vic and I practiced the marriage waltz, she began to stretch and grow in many areas, but not without its accompanying difficulties.  She wrote about those times in her journal.

Her next entry gives us an example; from April 26th, 1982:

Proverbs 27:17 NIV – “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

My children are very abrasive at times, but God is using them to polish me and bring me into conformity [with] Christ.[27]

Proverbs 27:21 – “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives.”

 

Vicki and I had just decided we were going to leave Bethesda.  We were heading to Richmond, Virginia because a “parachurch”[28] ministry’s president had invited me to join his full-time staff.  We were being called away from our beloved little church in Bethesda.  (Looking back, the allure of the Richmond-based parachurch ministry was about the only way God could have enticed us to move from Bethesda.)

But more than anything leaving Bethesda meant leaving Sue, her best friend.

Vicki didn’t write much about the pain of leaving.  Instead, Sue and Vic spent hours together as our time in Bethesda wound down sharing their feelings and discoveries, and acknowledging spiritual milestones.  They were so open and candid – I honestly believe it was Sue who encouraged her, more than anyone else, to be transparent.  Sometimes, when I read her journal, I feel as if I were eavesdropping on a Sue-and-Vicki conversation.

Not long before we left DC I saw a note go up on our refrigerator, held in place by a Pizza Hut magnet.  It said, “So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

On just her third day of journaling she made the following observation:

April 28, 1982

2 Corinthians 4:17, 18 – “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (Emphasis mine)

Something important is happening in me.  Suddenly it’s as if I can see that life is both material and immaterial – the material being temporary while the immaterial is eternal/forever.  My confidence in God has changed, and I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s because I feel so secure in my relationship with God and Lowell, and I know what I’m supposed to DO.  I know my purpose for right NOW.  I’m to love my husband and my sons.  DOING that has eternal significance.  All the other stuff in life – job, money, education … it’s only for “time.”  In heaven it won’t matter what degree I have, or how much money I made.

Lord, is that what You meant when You told us to “store up treasure in heaven”?

Lord, help me to see through eyes of faith.  And whatever is down the road … help me not to worry about whatever that is.  Help me to fix my eyes on the immediate goals, and work towards them with all my strength – loving my children, flowing in ministry, and building my marriage.

 

I’m not exaggerating when I say that from the moment this portion of Scripture entered into the core of her being, Vicki was forever and irrevocably changed.  These words opened the door for God to work at a deeper level in her young life.  When she made this entry she had no way of knowing that 2 Corinthians 4:18 would become the most important verse in her life, for the rest of her life.

“What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  When she copied those words she was much like the little girl we might see at a wedding reception, satin slippers off, standing on the shoe-tops of her daddy and learning to move to the music of the dance.  The truth is, to the little girl at the reception, the steps aren’t important.  It’s all about the atmosphere.  The feelings.  The fun.

I know my purpose for right NOW.  I’m to love my husband and my sons.  DOING that has eternal significance.

 

Vicki had a purpose, and that sense of purpose made leaving Bethesda tolerable.  To Vicki that sense of purpose meant she was being prepared to do something important … but that was something tomorrow.  Today, her life was to be all about love. 

She wanted to raise Brandon and Chris to be world-changers.  Later in life she told me that when the boys were young, in the back of her mind where dreams are stored (and from time-to-time brought out to be re-dreamed), she was certain God always had something else … something special for her to do, but Vic felt strongly that while our sons were young, they would be her main concern. 

That task did not annoy her but rather encouraged her.  Vicki was a liberated woman in every respect – she felt free while she followed the script God had written had for her.  (She was not liberated, however, the way many women understand liberation.  She didn’t believe she could rewrite the script.  Even Shirley MacLaine knows better than messing with the script of a movie or theater production.  Vicki knew she was to wait until The Director made the call for her role to change.)

Of course, Vic didn’t know when her role would change.  To her credit she stayed very patient. Knowing that one day she would go through a metamorphosis, and that her future role was just as special and important as raising our sons, had a calming effect.  She was so confident that the change would occur that she had a name picked out for any ministry God developed through her.  She would call it The Butterfly Project.

When Vicki began journaling Brandon was four years old and Chris was not quite three.  While the boys were at this stage of growing up Vicki’s dance sometimes looked like an Apache war dance, and then a Waltz.  Emotions were up one day, and down and up again the next.  The Master Choreographer was introducing elementary steps.  The basics were already there, so God could ratchet the learning process up a little.  But God’s version of little was, let’s just say, difficult.

Vicki wrote (April 30, 1982),

Galatians 5:22 and 23 – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  Against such things there is no law (legalism).”

I need MORE of the Spirit and less of [my] old nature.  It’s not enough to have one or two parts of the fruit.  They are all a part of ONE whole.

 

Brandon had become Mr. Personality.  He was a strong-willed little boy and a bundle of energy.  He was a laughing machine, and a terror in the Preschool ministry of any church we pastored or attended.  You would most likely see Brandon running through a room, laughing and giggling, and creating an uproar with his antics.

Christopher, on the other hand, was Mr. Laid-Back.  He was content during the first few years of his life to sit in Vicki’s lap, suck his thumb, and reach up to twirl her hair.  When he couldn’t reach her hair, he’d twirl his own.  And Chris loved to talk.  He made it a game to be heard over Brandon.  Soon enough it became Chris’ aim to shadow Brandon, and do whatever Big Brother was doing.  That was okay for a while.

That’s when we found out we had two strong-willed boys.  Brandon would insist that Chris not mimic him all the time.  “He’s copying me!  He’s copying me!” he’d yell.  Meanwhile, Chris became the expert at stirring the pot of Brandon’s ire.  It was like a game to Chris.  Sometimes it seemed he was thinking, “Now …what can I do to really irritate my big brother?”

While Vicki and I continued to learn the Waltz of Life together, from time to time she pretended God was like a Gold’s Gym trainer. 

“Lowell,” she said, “This morning I imagined God called me into a weight room at the gym and said, ‘I think you can add a little more weight to the bar.’”

She told me she replied, “Hey, God!  This is a little heavy.  Why do we have to work so hard?  Why can’t we just laugh and whirl and giggle for a while … or from now on?”  We laughed.

She was right in what she wrote about “The Fruit of The Spirit.”  By the say, the Bible says “the fruit” (singular), not “the fruits” (plural) of the Holy Spirit.  The fruit of the Holy Spirit has nine components, or nine parts.  Love isn’t one of the fruits of the Spirit, while peace is another.  Vicki knew when the Holy Spirit is present in your life every portion of the fruit should be growing in you.

Peace was one portion of the fruit Vicki confessed she needed in the days preceding and then following our move to Richmond.  She wrote on May 18, 1982,

“Fear is replacing peace.  Fear of Lowell and Larry’s [the president of the parachurch organization] relationship; what our friends and family would think of our ‘irrational’ decision; how I would cope with an unknown town and with Lowell traveling.

But God has given me this promise.  He will go with us and ‘if God is for us, who can be against us!”[29] Thank You, Lord, for Your peace.”

 

She didn’t know it in May, but our first nine months in Richmond would put more pressure on our relationship than either one of us had prepared for.  From the first of August, 1982, to the end of April, 1983, we were going to experience more stress, more anger, and more fear than we had in the previous nine years.  I would be working more hours and being paid much less than we had anticipated and were used to.  She didn’t know it then, but toddlers Brandon and Chris were going to test the boundaries every day.  And Vicki was about to learn what it meant to feel isolated.  In just a few months she would leave her two best friends (Sue, and Judy, my older sister), her cute little bungalow of a home, and the familiar streets and shopping centers of Bethesda … and for what?