Terms Of Endearment

44.  Terms Of Endearment[297]

 

Never part without loving words to think of during your absence.

It may be that you will not meet again in life.[298]

 

Now I lay me down to sleep; I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake, I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take.[299]

 

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults.  So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.[300]

 

Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp,

Or what’s a heaven for?[301]

 

A few days after I wrote about our happy conversation, Vicki read this letter to me.  It was handwritten and I believe she read it to me on October 15th.

 

Dear Lowell,

Earlier this week I had a conversation with you that I wish hadn’t taken place.  We talked about the future, and I know it turned out to be a very good experience for you because you said so, but … it was a setback of sorts for me. 

When you said that our conversation was “fun,” and that you felt relieved “the possibilities were at least talked about,” a pain came into my heart.  It just hit me wrong.  I don’t doubt for a moment that you love me, or that you want to see God heal me.  This is not about you being wrong, or anything you did or said wrong.  This is about keeping my concentration on the prize.  I don’t want to look to the right or the left.  I want to keep my eyes on Jesus, and see my healing materialize.  The best way for me to tell you how I feel is to relate it to when Peter was walking on the water and he started sinking because he took his eyes off of Jesus.

I guess I feel like I lost a battle.  I know I haven’t lost the war, but I do feel like I’ve been wounded in the course of a battle.  I know YOU didn’t wound me, but I do feel I got hit by one of the fiery darts of the enemy.

This is starting to sound, in spite of what I’ve written, like I see you as the weaker partner, but I don’t!  Many times you’ve been so much stronger and determined than I have been.  You’ve had incredible strength through all the stormy trials we’ve been through.  You’ve been there for me, even though you’ve been depressed, discouraged, and exhausted from everything.  I certainly think I should have been praising you all along for what you’ve done (and still do), but I’ve been pretty self-focused.

I want you to know that I appreciate how you’ve cleaned the house, washed our clothes, cooked, and done the dishes.  And even though you carried a full load at the church, you have NEVER missed one of my doctor’s appointments, CAT Scans, or a treatment.  You’ve stayed with me in the hospital every time I’ve had to go in, and you’ve stayed the whole time.  (I’m so glad they started giving you a bed.  You don’t have to stay every time, you know.  Kathy has said she wants to give you a break.  You should let her!)  You’ve changed my bandages, washed me, helped me to get dressed, and read to me while I dozed off at night.  I love it when you sing to me, by the way.  I can’t thank you enough for “On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand”.  You and I have seen our wedding vows come to be what we hoped they would be.  We have loved each other “in our growing and our becoming.”

Please keep Mom and Dad in the loop.  They seem to be walking around on eggshells.  I guess everyone is being tempted to consider things not going like we’ve prayed or planned.  I’m going to have to leave it up to you to entertain them, and also minister to them.  Dad is Dad, isn’t he?  So upbeat and helpful.  Mom is hurting so much because I’m in pain.  I can see how frustrated she is, and how much she wants me to be well again.  I know she’s biting her lip as much as possible.  In fact, she’s surprised me lately by how good she’s been.  (Right now she seems to always be on the verge of tears, but she’s always been a crier.)

With all that going on right now, I’m concerned about Brandon and Chris.  I think Chris is trying his best be strong and positive.  Brandon is having a hard time talking to me, which is understandable.  If you can, it’s up to you to reassure them that I’m staying focused on my healing, and that I want them to try to do the same.

As far as the house goes, don’t worry about anything that can wait.  I don’t care right now how the deck or the walls look.  Dad can help you some, and your Dad would love to be included, too.

I must be doing okay. I’m still bossing you around!  I may be weak, but I’m still strong!  Ha!!

You will never know how proud I am of you, and how you’ve been so wonderful to me.  You’re just made to be married to me – a perfect fit.  When I get upset with you, just chalk it up most of the time to being in pain.  Sorry.

With all my love,  Vicki

 

Vicki’s purpose in giving me this precious, and very diplomatic letter was to let me know that she didn’t want to talk about death or dying again.  She wanted to concentrate on living, and exercising her faith for her healing.  She said she wanted me to continue to believe with her for her healing.

I said I would.

I will tell you that as her condition worsened, Vicki’s family and close friends felt frustrated for not being able to say, “Goodbye,” but in her defense I will say that she did manage to say, “See you later.” 

Heaven was in the back of her mind, but Vic was concentrating on the dance and her dance Partner.  The closer she got to heaven, the more tightly she hung on to The Healer.  He captivated and enthralled her.  All the while she tenaciously and resolutely danced the Dance of Life. 

October 17, 2003

I’ve been home from the hospital one week today and I’m feeling much stronger.  I’m still running a fever most days, and needing one or two naps a day.

Gary and Sami have come and gone.  I had a touching conversation or two with Gary.  I asked him to consider quitting smoking for the sake of his family.  (We’ve had enough cancer!)  He said he would stop, and I know it was the right thing to do.  We also talked about how many wonderful things have come out of this cancer tragedy, especially my relationship with him, and his relationship with God.  That alone was worth it all!

Mom and Dad left for a short trip home, and Wendy is flying back into Richmond tonight.  My family has been so amazing.

Lowell’s been great since we talked, and we’re in agreement again.  God is showing me that I am to stand firm on the promises He has made to me.  I am to continue to thank Him for the FACT that He is healing me, and will complete it in His perfect timing.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  (Mark 11:24)

 

Everyone Vicki came in contact with benefited from the experience, God’s presence in our house and later in the hospital was that evident.  Most of the time His glory was reflected on her face as she danced, danced, danced.  The glory of God felt like humidity, much like the feeling you get when you leave an air conditioned building and walk outside, into the unseen dampness of a hot summer day in Richmond.

Vicki was dying, but she didn’t believe it, so she wouldn’t roll over and just accept it.  For that reason I can most confidently say, she didn’t die a “pre-mature death.”  No one would feel death’s dark and forbidding presence until God said, “It’s time.”

In 1980, little Chris Greicius had a dream of growing up and becoming a policeman, and he talked about it often, but Chris was dying.  Someone said, “We can make that dream come true.”  That’s how the Make-A-Wish Foundation® was born.

Dreams are wishes your heart makes.[302]  And dreams come true.  Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.[303]

Vicki dreamed of being healed, and spoke about it often.  That was her wish.  She had a strong desire to minister to others out of her weakness, and those opportunities came her way.  Vicki wished the pain would abate, and those who loved her did everything they could to make that wish come true. 

By October she was hoping God would provide a big boost to her spirits, and that boost did come.  Beth Moore came to Richmond!  Being Vicki’s favorite Bible teacher, and having heard Beth teach in person twice before, if she could have become a Make-A-Wish candidate, Vicki would have wished to hear Beth teach in person one more time.  As the event drew closer, however, it was very much up in the air if Vic would be able to attend.  She was so weak by this time that walking unassisted was out of the question.

But, like John Updike said, “Dreams come true.  Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.”  Vic got more than she wished for.

October 25, 2003

Last night was incredible!  I know God touched my body and gave me strength to attend the first night of the Beth Moore conference being held in downtown Richmond.  Lowell rented a wheelchair, and my ladies were so excited to see me.  They all had been praying that I would make it … and I did!  (Just the night before I had a 103.5 degree fever and was miserable, but God delights in giving us the desires of our heart.)

A really wonderful moment came after the mid-point break.  I had written a note to Beth and attached it to a copy of the Pentecostal Evangel that had my healing story in it.  I was able to go backstage during a break and hand everything over to one of her assistants. 

After the break Beth came to me on the Convention Center floor, gave me the microphone, and asked me to share my story.  She said as soon as she saw me from the stage she knew there was a “holy glow” on me.

After I shared, she prayed for me.  It was all so far beyond what I could have hoped for or imagined!  The really great thing is that there were so many ladies in that crowd of three thousand that had already been praying for me.  Twenty-plus strangers had already approached me to say that they were a part of the praying multitudes in Richmond and the surrounding area, each one.  It was a wonderful God-orchestrated opportunity to build their faith and glorify God. 

Beth might have had no idea how much God was using her at that moment.

We left about 9:30, basking in the glow of God’s goodness and love.  Few times in my life could top last night.  Thank You, sweet Jesus!

 

As we drove home, a tired-but-happy Vicki chattered on and on – how God seemed to love spoiling her.  She giggled when she reminisced how God orchestrated the face-to-face with Beth in the middle of the conference.  She couldn’t get over how Beth had taken the time to lead the crowd in prayer for her healing. 

Vicki told me, “I think I moved up the list of God’s favorites tonight.  In fact, I pretty sure I now higher on the list than you now!”  (She was referring to a conversation I had had with a friend, Matt Edmundson[304], when I was visiting with him in England in 1996.  She reminded me of how taken I was with something Matt had told me when he and I were taking a walk on Penny Lane in Liverpool.  “I’m God’s favorite,” he said matter-of-factly.  I had adopted Matt’s opinion as my own, often telling friends and family, “I’m one of God’s favorites.”[305])

I had to agree with her.  Vicki had moved up the list!

Of course, God doesn’t really play favorites.  It’s just a cute way of saying, “I know God loves me …  and if He has a refrigerator in heaven, my picture is taped to its door.”

Simply put, faith is believing that you’re on that list, and that your picture is on His frig.  Faith is wishing and hoping that God will do what you envision.  Faith is dreaming big dreams while understanding and accepting that God may have another plan in play.  Sure, you might experience disappointment … but disappointment, like nervousness, fear and love is always going to be a possibility because we are human beings.

I love what George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) wrote in Back To Methuselah.  “You see things and you say, “Why?”  But I dream things … and I say “Why not?”[306]

If you have a relationship with God, these are good words to live by.  He’ll never chide you for believing such things.  He won’t rebuke that kind of faith, nor will He reprimand you for presuming that you can have whatever you ask for in Jesus’ name. 

Where you will get into trouble is if you think you know better than He what should happen, and how or when it should happen.  You will also get yourself in trouble if you think you can have the same thing someone else received from Him because “God is no respecter of persons” (meaning that He never really shows favoritism).  If you believe that God is bound to do for you what He did for someone else, you’ve just put Him in a very small box.  You’ve bought into formulas, not faith.

Real faith:

·      … believes that God can do things just the way we asked Him to do it, but real faith also requires us to believe that if He does anything else, He still loves us, and that His way is the better way – whether or not we understand or agree with His methods, timing, or answer.

·      In that regard, I have come to see that God can answer prayer three ways.  He can and does say, “Yes.”  (He has done things just the way I prayed … and those times have been wonderful.) 

·      I also know God says, “No.”  (And when He has, I’ve been disappointed because I wanted what I wanted.  But when God has said, “No,” it’s now up to me to believe, “He knows better.”)

·      You’ve probably heard that God will also respond to prayers by saying, “Wait.”  That’s pretty self-explanatory.  He’s delaying, not because He’s disinterested, but because the timing for saying, “Yes” is off.  “Wait” is a good thing, because most of the time it has come to mean that a “Yes” is coming, just not now.  And while “wait” is tough, it’s not a “no,” and that’s good.

·      The toughest response we get from God when we dream and hope and believe and wish something of Him is silence.  Nothing.  That’s why God put the book of Job in the Bible.  Job’s biggest complaints were that God wasn’t answering his questions, giving him the reason for what had happened to him, and a way to undo the damage and pain and anger.

Think about it.

For some months I watched as Vicki’s handwriting changed from her lacy and feminine style to one that was noticeably tremulous, even wobbly.  She insisted on continuing the process of journaling (“… for the sake of the book,” she’d say), but the entries were becoming less and less frequent.

We opted for hospice in mid-October.  We could no longer manage Vicki’s pain without professional help.

In order for Vicki to stay home, fully taking advantage of hospice care[307], her dad and I transformed the first floor family room into her bedroom and living area.  With it’s big windows, gas fire place, close accessibility to the kitchen, and seating for entertaining guests, the family room was perfect for what we had in mind.  Typically this room was bathed in sunlight – a big plus.  The sun kept things cheery. (Our close friends, Bill and Sue Spencer, own a business that makes carpet and unusual materials; they provided yards and yards of some very unusual, opaque cloth that served to darken the room for naps.)

Vicki would no longer have to climb stairs, but there was a challenge:  we didn’t have a full bathroom on the first floor.  Things would have been a little easier if Vicki had had a shower available a little closer, but when she did want a shower (baths were out) it was easy to help her up and down the stairs.

“Vicki’s pain management and comfort” was the name of the game.  Every day her temperature was carefully monitored, and nutritious organic foods were lovingly prepared.  (No growth hormones or antibiotic additives had touched her lips for over four years.)  Her routine included “juicing” six times a day.[308]  Her favorite cocktail was a mixture of carrots, apples, a scoop of protein, and maybe some broccoli or spinach.  She drank so much juice, her skin literally turned orange from the beta-carotene.

What fascinated so many of Vicki’s friends, and Dr. Jones in particular, was her grasp of alternatives and nutraceuticals.  She had done her homework for five years.  She knew her stuff!  She read books, she surfed the web, she talked to doctors from Mexico to New York, and she visited clinics in California and Arizona.

Vic learned about the human “Circadian Clock” – when and why most people produce Melatonin, and when normal human beings would naturally desire to sleep, eat and eliminate.  Along with rectal oxygen treatments and colonics, Vicki was starting to scare me, especially when she suggested that I do what she was doing as a preventive measure, and so I could retain my good health.

Hmm?  No thanks!

Oh, and supplements!  Vicki drank detox teas, took things like Manapol® (an extract from the Aloe Vera plant) probiotics, Evista™ (a medicine that helps prevent osteoporosis), VitaLea®, flaxseed oil, fish oil, Essiac teas (various blends of four to eight herbs), Barley Green™ (a green drink chock full of vitamins that are found in barley leaves), an herbal digestive stimulator, milk thistle, vitamins C and E, whey protein drinks, something called Cellulase (a class of enzymes produced chiefly by fungi, bacteria, and protozoans that catalyze the cellulolysis, or hydrolysis, of cellulose), thymus, selenium, Green Vibrance™ (another green drink), grape seed extracts, and some really funky Chinese medicines,  … just to name a few!  Every day!  No joke.

Vic did acupuncture, and she got special massages that served to release toxins from her body.  In order to cleanse her body of those toxins she drank water like a camel, in addition to all the teas and juices listed above!

Pain injections were vigilantly and tenderly administered.

This daily routine was interrupted from time to time by trips to the hospital for update visits, radiation treatments, and blood transfusions.  (Even though her bleeding was lessening somewhat, Vicki’s marrow wasn’t producing enough red blood cells.)  We were so glad it was Dr. Jones’ opinion that she stay home, under hospice care, until the pain and complexities of care couldn’t be adequately handled there.  Of course she totally agreed with him on that one, wanting to be at home as long as possible.  She rested much better there, and having all her things around her made her feel secure.

In the last week of October Vicki had to make a trip to the hospital to see her doctors, and that resulted in a blood transfusion the next day.  She wrote,

November 1, 2003

Last week was bad.  I’ve been very tired.  Tuesday’s doctor appointment with Drs. Jones and Walker (our radiation oncologist) revealed that the cancer has moved into my liver, and my hemoglobin is at 7.1.  (YUCK!)  My body, just below the rib cage, is very sore.  My pain has increased, so we’ve found a new medicine that’s working well for now.  The tumors in the rectum and abdomen did respond well to radiation – NO MORE BLEEDING!  I still need a pad for heavy discharge, however.

The transfusion on Wednesday at Johnston-Willis was horrible.  It was one of the most stressful days Lowell and I have had in ages.  After four VERY PAINFUL attempts to “dig” the IV into my arm, and many tears, it was done.  Then we waited for three hours just to get the blood delivered to the room so we could begin the four-hour process.

I ate their dinner – then threw up.  We finally got home at 10 PM (Nine hours!).

I feel I don’t have an ounce of strength left emotionally.  I’m at the very end of my own ability to hold myself and everyone else together.  I cry at anything, and feel totally at God’s mercy.  My faith in God is still strong, and my “spirit-man” is standing on that “Rock.”  But my human, carnal man is lying like a limp dishrag at the base of the “Rock.”  I am totally at His mercy.  “My God, in His loving-kindness, will meet me …”  (Psalm 59:10a)

 

Just two days later,

November 3, 2003

I awoke at 5:15 AM, and God spoke two words to me:  “I’m preparing.”

Then I heard, “Because of Lowell’s obedience, and others, I have been very pleased.”

I got up to pray at 6:15, and felt God was also saying, “Because of the great faith expressed to me FOR Vicki, I will act to fulfill My promise soon.  Then all who see will say, ‘It is done!  It is God.’”

(What a precious prayer time.  I actually felt like I was in the holy of holies.  I had to know it was God speaking and not me.  As I was asking to make sure, I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians 2, and verses 9 and 10 were underlined.  “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him, but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit.”[309]

God, You’re so amazing!  What will You do?  And when?

 

“Preparing …”  “…prepared …”  I was not aware that Vicki had heard “I’m preparing” or that she had read about what God had “prepared” for His children, but on the morning of November 3rd I wrote in my journal, “I just got a … feeling this morning that Vicki will soon be going to the hospital, never to return.”

 

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, and trust also in Me.  There is more than enough room in My Father’s home.   If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?  When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with Me where I am.  And you know the way to where I am going.”

“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said.  “We have no idea where You are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one can come to

the Father except through Me.”

St. John 14:1-6 NLT