Suffering - Dancing On A Tightrope
The Last Dance
43. Suffering – Dancing On A Tightrope
What is it going to matter in eternity if I had cancer for one year, or ten?
It will all seem as nothing then.
Vicki Qualls, September 4, 2003
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.[289]
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars.[290]
Suffering is one very long moment. We cannot divide it by seasons.[291]
The day we returned from East Africa, Vicki was admitted back into Henrico Doctors Hospital. Her hemoglobin[292] levels were down to 5 and 6; normal is 12 to 14. Were it not for emergency transfusions Vic would have died.
She had no regrets for taking the trip to Africa. As Anne Rice[293] (born Howard Allen O'Brien on October 4, 1941) wrote in Blood and Gold, “No matter how long we exist, we have our memories … points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort our backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems.”[294]
Pain was no longer visiting our home from time to time; pain had taken up residence.
On August 31st, Vicki signed an Advance Directive. An AD serves as a durable power of attorney for health care, and describes the wishes of the patient – whether or not they wish to have life sustaining treatments (like CPR) or artificial nutrition and hydration. In laymen’s terms, an AD tells the hospital staff if you want to be brought back from the brink of death, and if you are resuscitated, do you want them to feed you through an IV, even if that meant you were in a “vegetative state.” You’ll know things are serious if you need to sign an AD … and you always should.
Perhaps what follows is the single most important journal entry Vicki penned during her battle with cancer.
September 4, 2003
So much has happened since our trip to Africa. My bleeding was so severe that after I returned I went into the hospital for three days of tests.
Dr. Jones determined that the tumor(s) are inoperable … unless I choose to have a colostomy. The vaginal tumor is so close to my colon that if I have surgery to cut off the blood supply (to stop the bleeding) to it, my colon will be compromised..
I’ve had a lot of pain and complications from the bleeding that I’ve been off my feet for two weeks. There’s been some discouragement and even fear, but God has been so faithful.
God’s been teaching me that we have made the Gospel too much about US – our comfort, our rights to healing, our prosperity, our sense of victorious living.
Yes, God sent His Son for US, but from before creation everything that was and is and is to come is for the glory of God. Everything Jesus did when He was here, physically in this world, was to glorify the Father. Every good thing and every bad thing was to glorify the Father.
If God chose for His Son and the Apostle Paul to suffer, it was to ultimately bring glory to His name. In my case, if God chooses to delay or even deny healing me, it’s because He knows that (somehow) it will glorify Him.
The way I can glorify Him in the midst of suffering is to submit to His timing and His purposes. My purpose here on earth is NOT to build my own little kingdom, or make my life “as good as possible,” but to fix my eyes on the goal set before me by Jesus Himself: to make it to heaven, and bring as many people with me as possible.
What is it going to matter in eternity if I had cancer for one year, or ten? It will all seem as nothing then.
What matters is my attitude while I going through this time – during this battle. Am I complaining or praising? Am I fearful or trusting? Am I consumed with my needs, or am I concerned with how my situation can bring glory to God?
God is teaching me to filter every situation I find myself in through this question: “Will my response glorify God or me?”
God, help me to make the right decisions each day.
With that, Vicki planted her flag on the mountain of faith – the Healer had become more precious to her than healing. And then,
September 8, 2003
God’s faithfulness always amazes me!
I’ve been praying for wisdom, to know how to walk out this journey of faith as I wait for my healing. I’ve been hurting almost constantly for two months, and have little energy. It’s wearing on me and Lowell. I’m even afraid to go visit Wendy as planned because I don’t know how I’ll hold up. I don’t feel fearful about the future. I’m just frustrated with the process. I waver between rebuking the enemy and thanking God for the answer.
Yesterday Evelyn Guess and Barbara Buchanan prayed for my pain. Leslie Applegate said God gave her a picture of me standing on a large Rock (Jesus), and waving a victory banner over my head.
Then today I watched Joyce Meyer for just five minutes, but I heard her say, “A lot of you are rebuking the devil for things God has allowed in your lives. You say, ‘Well, God told me …’ Honey, if God made you a promise then it will happen, and no demon in hell can stop it. You just need to walk in obedience, and wait for it to come.”
I know that was FOR ME. God is saying to keep my feet planted on Him, His Word, and His promises. He will bring His plans to pass, and I am to be obedient and submissive … and learn everything I can in the process.
Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me one more time. Help me to keep listening – every day.
I heard once, “There’s an appreciation, not unlike that for dancers or tightrope walkers, of the body undergoing tests and coming through them by courage and technique …”[295]
While Vicki was undergoing her mental and physical tests I couldn’t help but think of Blondin. Every day we felt like we were dancing on a tight rope, and people around us were applauding our efforts.
Blondin (1824-1897, real name Jean François Gravelet) was a French tightrope walker who crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope in 1855, 1859, and 1860. When Blondin was five years old he was sent to Lyons and, after six months’ training as an acrobat, made his first public appearance as “The Little Wonder.” His real claim to celebrity status (and the fortune he made as a showman) was owed to his idea of crossing Niagara Falls on a tight-rope, 1100 ft. long, 160 ft. above the water. This he accomplished, first in 1855, always with different theatric variations: blindfolded, trundling a wheelbarrow, walking on stilts, and one time sitting down midway while he made and ate an omelet.[296]
You were sure to get your money's worth when you saw Blondin perform. And he really knew how to stir up the crowd. He would begin his stunts by talking to the audience and working them into a frenzy. The story is told that Blondin was about to cross the Niagara River when he yelled a question to the crowd. He asked, “Do you believe that I, the Great Blondin, can successfully cross high above this river on a tightrope while pushing a wheelbarrow?” And the crowd yelled back, “We believe! We believe!”
Seeing their enthusiasm, Blondin yelled to the crowd: “Who among you is willing to ride inside of the wheelbarrow and allow me to push you as I cross on this tightrope?” The crowd went silent. No takers!
Vicki was dancing on a tightrope … on one stretched from the little known to the unknown. She still believed she could successfully make the crossing, and arrive healed on the other side. There were a lot of people in the crowds that shouted encouragement. “We believe! We believe!”
Vicki would tell you she wasn’t alone as she crossed over the abyss, but she would also say that Jesus wasn’t carrying her on His back – He was just walking one step ahead.
September 10, 2003
I’ve suspected, but now I’m sure. I’m bleeding from my rectum – a lot. That’s really scaring me. What does it mean? How bad is this going to get before it gets better?
Lots of tears today.
I have to keep my eyes on God, my faith in His promises, and my feet firmly planted on the “Rock.”
Help me, Lord, to walk in obedience and trust one day at a time.
[A dear friend] just called to say God woke her in the night with a word for me. After arguing with Him, she called to say, “When you write the last chapter of your book, it will be your healing. God wants you to write this book, and He will heal you at the end of it.”
I am pondering what she said in my heart.
It was as if God had been waiting for Vic to record the September 4 and 8 entries. Her heart was now open enough to receive a special message. Through a trusted friend, the Lord touched a part of Vicki’s heart that had not been explored in recent months – the part where the other possibility besides physical healing lived. The part that was called Eternal Healing.
For the next month that subject – a healing that results from death – would slide in and out of conversations with family and friends. Vicki would always be the instigator of such conversations since no one around her dared think about, much less propose, anything other than physical healing.
October 10, 2003
Where to start? I was admitted to the hospital three weeks ago with a hemoglobin count of 6 (12-16 is normal). They transferred me to Johnston-Willis Hospital for radiation treatments and to monitor me. The vaginal tumor has grown into my rectum, and I have a secondary infection from an abscess that has been causing my fever to spike to 103/104.
Dr. Jones told Lowell, me, Mom, and Dad last Saturday that I’m “critically ill,” and will continue to get weaker … and will probably not go home from the hospital unless I have some kind of hospice care. I knew I had been feeling like crap, but I had no idea of all this. Wendy and Gary and Brandon have all flown in to see me, an now we’re playing the waiting game.
God continues to give me amazing peace and a confident assurance that He really did promise to heal me.
Lowell has been wonderful, and has stayed with me most of the time.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had several really low moments when I was in a lot of pain. I’ve wondered if I really will die. But mostly God is teaching me to trust him with my life … or with my death. Lowell and I are walking this fine line between absolute faith that God WILL heal me for His glory, and covering all the “goodbyes” for family and friends in case we’re mistaken. I don’t intend to plan my funeral or plan for death, yet I know my family feels a need to hear my voice and say their goodbyes.
Mom and Dad have been wonderful, and their faith is strong.
I talked to Chris in China this morning and he was very emotional, and very torn concerning whether to come home so soon after arriving there. Lowell and I urged him to stay in China, promising frequent updates. He’s so precious, and I’m so very proud of him. This will be a difficult time for him, but he will grow stronger in the Lord. I pray daily that the Lord will “carry him on eagles’ wings.”
Brandon is flying in tonight “on plane’s wings.” I can’t wait to see him.
My hemoglobin has climbed back up to 11.3 after I had six units of blood transfused. My white blood count (WBC) has fallen to 14.6 after climbing to 17. I feel that God is already touching me since I’ve gotten stronger each day instead of weaker. I keep praying, “Blow their minds, God! Let’s blow their minds!”
Lowell’s Journal, Monday, October 13, 2003
Vicki is resting comfortably now, so I’m going to write down all that I can remember from the most amazing conversation we’ve had in a long, long time.
Today we sat on the couch, me with my coffee and Vicki with her herbal tea, and we talked about so many things.
For the first time in a while she told me how much she loved me, and I drank it in. It’s the most romantic she’s been in a long time, and it was great to just hold each other close. She knew that I missed our intimate times, but then she said, “Right now, however, I don’t think you’d like what I look like in a negligee. I’m yellow and I look pregnant.” We just started laughing, (Vicki, to the point of tears). It seemed like a barrier was broken, and we kept laughing and talking while we shared some cute comments with each other.
During that great laughing time we started reminiscing about some really obscure stuff. We talked about our red dishes (our everyday dishes that we had when we were first married) and about our blue Le Creuset (sp?) cookware, and the trailer we lived in just after we got married (the one Granddaddy loaned us). We talked about all the great times with Claudette and Gene at college – playing cards at their apartment, Claudette pregnant with Ryan, and all the softball games for Woodall Motors. She brought up the one time Doug and Bonnie came to our trailer, and Doug getting so mad at me for yelling at Bonnie when we were playing Monopoly, she and Bonnie thought we might fight. And cheating at Rook!
We talked about how we got our first car – the ’72 Chevy Camaro (with the chrome wheels), and how funny it was that we had that cool car but we were so broke all the time.
Vicki brought up the time I was arrested at GPH for not paying a speeding ticket, and how she cried to Arlen Pember about me being taken to jail and that she didn’t have any money to bail me out. (He loaned her some money, thank God.)
Then the conversation changed. While we were just sitting there on the couch, Vicki with her head nestled on my right shoulder, she picked up her head, turned toward me and said, “If I die, do you think you’ll get remarried?”
I thought she was still joking, but she wasn’t. She was serious, so I told her that I didn’t think I would get married again. SHE LAUGHED AT ME! I pretended to be upset and pouting, and I said, “What do you think I am, a sex maniac – that I can’t stand to be without a woman to gratify my carnal nature?” But Vicki just said, “Seriously, have you thought about it?”
I told her that I had. (When Vic was so sick before her healing in 2001, and even Dr. Jones thought she was dying, I prayed about it, and really spent a lot of time looking at 1 Corinthians 7 – how Paul said that it would be better to remain single than to get married if a man could, so that he could focus all his energy on the Kingdom of God.)
I told Vicki that I had thought about it two years ago, and that I had decided that I wouldn’t get remarried so I could focus on the Kingdom.
SHE LAUGHED AT ME AGAIN! This time I was really ticked off, but I stopped being upset when she said, “Lowell, who’s going to guard your heart?” (We have always talked about how we are so close, that we feel we know what is in each other’s heart, and that we try to protect each other from real pain and damage.)
I said, “God will!” SHE LAUGHED AGAIN! But this time she said, “Lowell, who do you think God put in your life to guard your heart in the first place? Me.” And then she paid me the most awesome compliment I can ever remember hearing her saying. She said, “Honey, you’re really good at being married. You could be married to anyone, and it would work. It’s like you’ve been made for marriage. I just can’t see you as not married.” And then she put me more at ease by saying, “But you don’t have to worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
About ten minutes later, however, she said, “If I were to ever die, would you sell this house.” I said, “Yes, because it’s only a house to me. You are the one that makes it feel like home. Everywhere I look I see you. All the pictures, furniture, plaques on the walls, colors. If you were ever gone, I don’t think I could stay here a month before wanting to find another place to live.”
Then she got struck by a funny bug again, because she asked me, “So … how much do you think you’ll get for the house? And have you thought about who will help you sell it?” I didn’t say a thing. I just went over to the desk, pulled out the yellow pages, took it back to her, and said, “Help me pick out a realtor.” She giggled, and so did I.
She asked me what I’d do with Jazz. (I’d keep her!)
And then Vicki said the funniest thing of all. She picked her head up off my shoulder, looked me right in the eye, and said, “If I die, you’re going to go out and buy a motorcycle, aren’t you!” She knows me so well.
[Note: We didn’t talk about motorcycles before we got married, so Vicki didn’t know that I loved them and couldn’t wait to get one when we could afford it. From time to time I had opportunities to get a bike at a really good price, but she would say when we were younger, “I’m too young to be a widow.” When we had the boys she would say, “Do you want to make them grow up without a Dad?” The answer to my repeated begging was, “Please … no.”]
It didn’t sound like a question. Ha! It sounded like an accusation! And I said, “Yep! I sure will. That’s one of the first things I’m going to do right after I get remarried! I’m going to go out and buy the biggest, loudest Harley-Davidson I can find.”
Vicki said, “Oh, please don’t do that! They’re so dangerous!” But I replied, “Vicki, for 30 years I’ve not only given you a vote, but you’ve had the veto when it came to motorcycles. You’ve always told me how dangerous they were in Florida (how they called them “donor-cycles”), that you didn’t want to be a widow, and you didn’t want the boys to be without a dad. But Honey, if you die you lose both – the vote and the veto! So, you better stick around or I’ll have that Harley!”
She puckered up her lips (with a gleam in her eye) and said, “Well, if you do get one, you’ll just get to heaven that much sooner!”
That was the break I needed!! I said, “Vic, think about it. First, I’ll be riding a Harley, and the next thing I know I’ll be in heaven. Both of those things are awesome … plus, I’ll be with you!”
“You’re impossible.” (That was all she could say. I guess I am.)
I then asked her a question. “You’ve brought up the possibility of your death. Are you getting some vibes from the Lord, that you’re not going to be healed?” She just looked at me, and didn’t say anything, so I said, “Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell me some of your wishes if you should die?”
I wish I had that to do over again. She wasn’t and isn’t ready to talk about it. The possibility is just too painful.
Her countenance just changed so much. She suddenly looked so tired, and she said that she didn’t want to talk about all that now, and that she needed to get some rest. I think the Lord has hinted that she may not be healed, and she doesn’t know what to do with that information. It would be so un-Vicki to confess that she knows she might die.
PRAYER: Lord, I have felt for a long time that Vicki wasn’t going to be healed this time … but I haven’t told her that because it wouldn’t do any good, only harm. Are You speaking to her, preparing her for heaven?
Oh, God, I don’t know what I’d do if Vicki died. She’d be missed so much. Brandon and Christopher would not have her with them when they got married or had children … and you know how much she’d love to have grandchildren! And I know Trinity would never be the same. Mike’s death was so devastating, what would happen if she died?
Dear Lord, I don’t want to be without Vicki. And I don’t want to lose my family – the Winsteads. We’ve been together for over 30 years now, and the life me and the boys have is so wonderful with them.
I’m going to trust You, that this funky conversation today was just a test, to see where our hearts truly are. Right now, “we don’t know what to do,” or what the future holds for us, “but our eyes are on You!” (2 Chron. 20)
Touch Vic today. Kill the tumors that are trying to kill her! In the name of Your Son, Jesus, rebuke Satan and this disease. Restore her to perfect health, and let her new healing make an even bigger impact on our church and on Richmond!! We’ll give you all the credit and the glory, for sure. Amen.
