The Blame Game

41.  The Blame Game

 

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.[277] 

 

 Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.  You desire to know the art of living, my friend?  It is contained in one phrase:  make use of suffering.[278]

 

 There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.  It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.”[279]   And, “It was so much easier to blame it on Them.  It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us.  If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault.  If it was us, what did that make Me?  After all, I'm one of Us.  I must be.  I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. 

No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them.  We're always one of Us.  It's Them that do the bad things.[280]

 

We discovered there are no rules, no consistency, in the Blame Game.

April 24, 2003

I had a CT scan today.  I’m still a little confused about the exact results … but it appears to be NOT so good.  Part of the tumor shrank, but the two other sites grew significantly.  All three sites have some necrotic (rotting) tissue in them, but Dr. Kuta says that’s normal.  Dr. Jones is waiting to talk to his partner (Dr. Charles Welander) and the radiation doctor, to see what he’ll recommend. 

It appears obvious that my own efforts have not destroyed the cancer.  This only confirms once again that God alone will be my Healer.  It’s hard to wait while this evil “thing” is advancing against my body, but God’s Word says, “The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?  When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack, they will stumble and fall.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  (Psalm 27:1-3)

 

April 29, 2003

My heart is torn, and my thoughts are divided.

The Ferrises (Rick and Michelle) have offered to get me in to Benny Hinn for prayer in Virginia Beach.  Why do I need to go to a “faith healer” if my faith is in God’s promise to heal me?  Is my faith not sufficient?  Yet I have turned away from man’s wisdom and have put all my effort and energy into God’s Word and power to heal me.  Do I sit and wait, or actively pursue every opportunity for the manifestation of my healing?

My body is obviously NOT healed yet.  What is God waiting for?

Lowell asked me last night, “Vicki, why did you get cancer?  Did you sin?” 

He was challenging me because I was in a funk.  I needed to be shaken up a little, so he played devil’s advocate.

 

I was floating that age-old idea/position/false teaching that says, “Only bad things happen to bad people, and only good things happen to good people,” or “Only bad things should happen to bad people, but bad things should never happen to good people.”  It was the theological position and teaching-of-the-day being articulated by Job’s three friends throughout the book of Job, and it was the question asked of Jesus by His own disciples concerning the man born blind.  (“Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”[281])

 

I must have said something to indicate to Lowell that I was playing that mind-game: “What did I do to deserve this?”

I admitted that I was still asking, “What is God waiting for?  What is it, specifically, that I’m not learning, not doing, not getting??”

I told Lowell that he and I are “one flesh,” and I suspect that either of us could be “the cause for the delay.”  I asked him, “Is there an area where WE are resisting God in any way?”

Lowell keeps telling me to stop worrying about what God wants to teach us through this, and just concentrate on pursuing my healing … but I see the two things (the lesson He wants us/me to learn, and my healing) as inseparable. 

I believe that cancer doesn’t come a second or a third time to a child of God without cause or purpose.  I can’t believe that God is so uninvolved in our lives that He would allow such a terrible disease to come randomly without it being for a specific purpose or to fulfill a specific part of His plan.  So … I feel compelled to pursue understanding God’s intent.  Is Satan trying to thwart God’s plan for our lives?  I think if that was all it was then God would have simply blocked his attack and healed me by now.  There must be more to it than that!

 

Some people who are very sick, dying, or stuck in a bad, bad situation will bargain with God.  Others will blame Him … or others … for their circumstances.  This is NORMAL.  It’s not a frailty, but a part of our Adamic makeup.  When Adam was confronted by God in Eden, and asked why he had chosen to be disobedient, Adam said, “The woman You put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”[282]  In that one statement Adam blamed both God and Eve for his situation.

If your loved one or friend is sick or dying, and you happen to be on the receiving end of an accusation, don’t panic … and don’t get defensive.  Hang in there.  Love ‘em.

It seemed the spring of 2003 not only produced allergens, but something else was in the air.  Because Vicki wanted to figure out what God was doing, but mostly figure out why He was holding out on her, she blamed herself for the lack of movement toward her second miraculous healing.  Then me.  Then others.  God was at fault, too.  And then blame made a complete circle and came right back on her.   Here’s more of her record:

April 29, 2003, Continued

Lowell says that I may never understand each and every “why.”  That frustrates me to no end!  I want to KNOW why!

God is working out His plans and purposes through this illness/disease, and I suspect that the longer it takes me OR Lowell to understand and submit to what God is doing, the longer it will be before I am healed.

I’m really not worried about how long it will take to get well, but I desperately want to cooperate with God’s plans for our lives.  If we are causing His purposes to be delayed, that can’t be good.  People are dying and hurting and we can help them.

I guess I’m saying that if God is delaying for His own reasons, then I’m happy to submit to that, and wait patiently for Him … but if I or Lowell are causing the delay I want to know so that I can change. 

“Lord, we don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on You.”(2 Chronicles 20:12)  I’m doing all I know to do.  Please help Lowell to seek Your face.  Draw him into a place of intimacy that he’s never known before.  You have greater things for him if only he will trust You to take him there.  Please be patient with him.  I feel helpless.  I want to challenge him to press into You, but he gets so frustrated with me when I play ‘Holy Spirit #2,’ so I ask You, Lord, to send someone else to him with the challenge.  If I can trust You for my healing, then I can trust You for his calling to be fulfilled.  You, who began a good work in Lowell, will be faithful to complete it.  Amen.

 

May 5, 2003

I went to the Benny Hinn meeting at Rock Church in Virginia Beach on May 2 with Dave and Cheryl Orms, and the Lord surprised us all.  I was determined to go with an open heart and mind so that I could receive whatever God had for me.  Benny preached a very good sermon on “The Power of the Blood” from Hebrews, chapters 8, 9, and 10.  When he got to a certain point (Hebrews 10:12 – “But when this Priest (Jesus) had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, He sat down at the right hand of God.”), Benny said, “The work is finished … it is completed.  It is done!  We only have to believe it and receive it.”

I felt the heaviness of the presence of God come upon me.  I could hardly move as I began to recall others who have said to me, “Vicki, it’s done!”  It was as though God was saying, “Are you listening?  It is done.”

 

What do you think means when God says, “It is done?” 

What it meant to Vicki, this time and all the times before, was that her physical healing was guaranteed, and that all she and we had to do was wait for God’s timing.

As I look back now … and humbly I confess – not with 20/20 vision … I remember thinking about the last words of Jesus on the Cross a few times.  After His executioners had done their business and they were waiting for His eventual and inevitable death He spoke out. 

I think the most amazing utterances of the Lord recorded in the Gospels were spoken in His last hours on the Cross.  Words like, “Today you will be with me in paradise,” and “Father, forgive them – they don’t know what they’re doing.”  Another time Jesus cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”  (That’s the “Why” cry of the Son of God!  Even Jesus cried out the question most of us, Christian and not, will ask when our backs are up against the wall.)

When Jesus knew it was time to lay His life down, His last words were this announcement to heaven and hell:  “It is finished.”  It is done!

Around my birthday I wrote in my journal (May 10), “I’ve got this eerie sense that God is going to take Vicki home this time around … that He doesn’t intend to heal her, but instead take her to heaven.  What am I supposed to do with this??  It’s certainly not what I want.  I’ve been asking myself, ‘Lowell, is that fatigue speaking.  Are you wishing the battle was over, and the pressure was off??  Be honest, boy.  This is no time for kidding yourself.’  But my heart and mind respond to my self-imposed interrogation, ‘I’ll never give up!!  Not on God, and not on Vicki.  It is not time for death to separate us.  I refuse to accept this feeling of doom and death!’  And with that, I am resolved.  We, together, are fighting, fasting, longing for, hoping for, praying for, believing for trusting God for a second … and permanent … healing!  Words of death will never come out of my mouth!” 

Vicki was glad she went to hear Benny Hinn speak, and her time with the Orms was precious.  She returned home full of joy, and the feeling of her impending death left me.

It wasn’t just a day or two later that Vic records this incident.  Look for the irony in her observations.

God also had [name] (can’t remember her last name) stop me and ask me to pray for her friend who had cancer.  This woman proceeded to “grill me” about my diet and my nutrition plan.  Then she told me I HAD to stop eating meat, and I HAD to go on “The Hallelujah Diet” if I wanted to be healed.

I interrupted her and prayed for her, and then I left as quickly as I could.  I was so grieved by her attitude, and I felt God was showing me that there is an element in His Body like her.  They don’t believe the power of His Son’s blood is enough to heal them.  They must heal themselves by their own efforts, and then trust God to do what they can’t.  But in the meantime they will work themselves into exhaustion … and become prideful in their own great efforts.

 

 That journal entry is IRONIC!  The lady that inspired this note was a lame-brain, and shouldn’t have been so determined that Vicki, pardon the pun, be consumed by a much-touted food fix.  It was an occasion when Vicki was being blamed for not receiving her healing.

That aside look again at what Vicki criticized in this woman and her kind.  Vicki, herself, used diets and supplements in order to give God other healing options.  She was fixated on her own failing efforts, and the efforts of others, to bring about her healing.  Her trust in God had, over the months, gone up and down.  She had been searching the Internet and bookstores for new cures.  And, yes, from time to time she was so sure she was right in her pursuits that no one could offer a suggestion or opinion that might be out of line with the course she was on.

Oftentimes we see in others what we do not see in our selves, or what we don’t like about ourselves.

“Lord, there is a reason You have led me to stop the nutritional path I was on.  I don’t understand fully, but You will continue to reveal Your truth to me.  You alone are sufficient for all our needs.  Your blood is able to heal ALL our diseases by faith alone, not by works that we must do.”

And … yet … our nutrition is important.  Susan said (as she was praying for me while I was in New England) that God spoke to her this:  As I spoke the Word of God to others, it was the richest nutrition for my body … any body … that there was.

I’d rather have God’s nutrition than man’s any day!

Brandon flew in Saturday and surprised Lowell.  It was wonderful.  I’ve been reminding myself of God’s promises about Brandon.  He  was in church yesterday.  Lowell’s message was on Jesus’ overwhelming love for us.  I trust that the Holy Spirit will get through to Brandon, and turn his heart fully to Jesus.

Here’s a prayer I’ve been praying for several weeks now:

“Lord, let my words agree with Your plan here on earth.  Let my words build up what You want built up, and tear down what You want to tear down.  Help me never to agree with the enemy.  Let me only agree with the truth that You are putting into my heart.  Let me speak in agreement with the plans You have for our lives and ministry.”

Ephesians 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”