Believing

40.  Believing

 

Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing.

It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more.[274]

 

    What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?  Can such faith save him?  … faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.  But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."   Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.  You believe that there is one God.  Good!

Even the demons believe that — and shudder.[275]

 

D' you call life a bad job?  Never!  We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've always been poor, but it's been worth it, ay, worth it a hundred times I say when I look round at my children.[276]

 

 

March 5, 2003

Back to the weekend with Martha Tennison.  God told her to ask us, “Can I trust you to trust Me?”

I want to say, “Yes, God.  You can trust me.  I will trust You.  I will stand on Your promises and not be moved by what I see.  You are my Savior and my Healer.”

My day (March 2nd) with Gary was wonderful.  I’m so grateful I was there for his baptism, along with 69 other people.  It meant so much to him and to me.  God is so faithful and good.

On Tuesday night, after flying home to Richmond, my back was really hurting where I had felt the third tumor.  I asked Lowell to pray for me, and he prayed a powerful prayer – full of faith.  My back stopped hurting, and I went on to sleep.  Wednesday morning I realized it wasn’t hurting any more, and I could no longer feel the tumor!  And I passed a piece of tumor the size of my thumb tip through my vagina!  I was so excited as I knew God was breaking up this tumor and causing it to die.  I saw Dr. Jones on Thursday, and he confirmed that it was tumor, even though he could still feel the rest of the tumor in me.  I believe God allowed this event to encourage our faith and as a sign of what He is doing in my body.  Praise God!

 

Over the weekend Vicki and I spent much of the time talking about writing this book.  Sunday we collected a box full of “cancer memorabilia” – scraps of paper that never made it into her written or computer journals, get well cards, information on nutrition, notes on the various treatments prescribed, and much more.  All these things would serve to remind us of our day-to-day battle with cancer.  Then we began writing the book at the computer, her over my shoulder or me over hers.

A week later … I remember it was Sunday night, March 16th … I knew something had changed.  Vicki said, “Lowell, just in case I’m not around to help write the book ...” and she stopped. 

I encouraged her to continue.  “I’d like both of us to routinely go over my journal contents … and I’d like to focus on transferring the handwritten journals to our computer.” 

From that day forward, whenever we had time to do so, we’d sit at the computer.  We’d talk and type, talk and type.  Sometimes it was downright painful for me to read what she had written about me.  Many times it was painful for her to explain the confusing thoughts, or faith struggles she had had or was having.  Both of us got a regular dose of humility.  And reality.

I am so proud of her.  Vicki was Vicki … knowing you would one day read from her journal.

March 19, 2003 

God has been so amazing lately.  I’ve been praying for Brandon daily, and speaking God’s promises over him … and things are happening.  A sweet girl, [name], just spent a week with him, and it went VERY well.  We were praying that his heart would be drawn to the kind of girl she is, and back to good, holy, and pure things. 

I’m believing God will draw Brandon’s heart back to Himself soon.  Brandon told [her] he planned to be a pastor in a couple of years – praise You, Jesus!  He hasn’t forgotten his calling, and neither have You, Lord!  Your callings are without repentance.  You never take them back.

I spoke at Trinity last Sunday, and God did everything I asked Him to do.  All week I prayed 1 Corinthians 2:4 – “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your (their) faith might not rest on man’s wisdom but on God’s power!”

There was a great response at the altar.  Many were filled with the Holy Spirit, and I believe healed, too.  God’s anointing was wonderful.

A highlight of my weekend came when Gary (Vicki’s brother) flew here to be in the service.  We had a wonderful visit.  I’m moved beyond words after seeing him respond to the moving of the Spirit.  He has a desire to grow in Christ, and is reading godly books.  Nothing is too difficult for God!

 

April 18, 2003

I just returned from speaking in Vergennes, Vermont, Darie, New Hampshire, and Portland, Maine (for the New England District Women’s Conference).  God moved powerfully.  Woman were healed and filled with the Holy Spirit, and saved.  I could sense God’s presence and anointing again, in a wonderful way.

One great disappointment came when I went to a hospital to pray for a young mother with ovarian cancer.  She died four days later.  I was so sure God would heal her, and I’m confused about why He didn’t. 

I still have much to learn about faith for healing, and what God’s promises, spoken through Jesus, really mean. 

When I take them literally it would appear that they’re not always true.  Of course, they have to be “true” if Jesus spoke it, but it doesn’t work for me.  What am I missing?  How many will die while I’m figuring out how to apply God’s promises to the full extent intended?

The good thing is that my questioning has given me a greater hunger for the Word of God.  All the answers are there … if I can find them.

 

Then, Vicki wrote down something she would never say out loud:

I’m so disappointed in myself because I’m right back at the place of wondering if God is really going to heal me.  I’ve released Wendy, Gary, and Dad from paying for vitamins, supplements, and any alternative treatment.  I was in Florida two weeks ago and told them I felt I was to trust God alone for my healing, and just take the amount of supplements that any healthy person would take.  I believed God was calling me to trust Him in a way that would show people that He alone was my Healer this time.  I didn’t want anyone to be able to say that the supplements healed me.  (My goal, desire, is that my message, when I share it in the future, will be the perfect healing power of God IF we will trust Him alone.)

It all sounded so simple and so right when I talked with my family in Florida, but I’m bleeding heavily now, hurting more than ever, and facing a CT scan next week.  Yesterday Dr. Jones could still feel the second tumor (the one in my pelvic area), and he asked when I’d let him remove it.  I’m considering my options.  [A nutraceutical expert] has a new enzyme with great promises, and surgery seems to be an option.

I HATE my double-mindedness on this, and I find myself back at God’s feet asking for wisdom – again!  I’m asking Him not to be angry with me, but to give me another word on what I’m to do.  Exactly what supplements do I continue to take?  How often should I juice, do the “coffee drills,” and how much raw food should I eat?

Lowell and I can’t afford another $500 a month for nutrition, so do I go back to my family for the money?  UGH!  Why is this so hard?

God is reminding me that He has a plan.  My confidence has to be in Him and His plan, not my own wisdom and strength.  Do I really believe that I can out-maneuver God?  If God doesn’t intend to heal me, do I really think I can heal myself?  If God does plan to heal me, then why am I trying to heal myself?

The answer is here … or somewhere.  I just need to find it.  I have to order next month’s supplements soon.  He’ll just have to tell me what to do before I order them.

 

April 21, 2003

Your Word is always true, and if we seek You with all our hearts, we will find You. 

I’ve been crying out to You for wisdom and insight concerning faith for my healing.  You led me to “Christ The Healer,” by F. F. Bosworth.  Today I found my answer … an answer, anyway … in chapters five and six.  Bosworth taught that in order to receive our healing we must ask and believe and have faith for the answer BEFORE it comes.  God makes a promise in His Word.  Our part is to ask, and believe that His promises are true based on His Word alone – not what we see with our eyes.  Our symptoms may linger, but God’s Word is true.  We cannot base our faith on our symptoms, and that is what I’ve been doing.

Every great person of faith acted before the promised answer arrived, and believed in spite of a delayed fulfillment (Abraham, Noah, Jonah, Moses, Joseph, Joshua, David).

Galatians 3:1-5 (parts) – “You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you?  … Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing in what you heard?  Are you so foolish?  After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?  Does God give His Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?”

I choose to believe what I’ve heard.  I believe You spoke at the Tuesday night prayer meeting.  I believe You said, “No” to Satan, and the cancer in my body.  You have confirmed it to me through many others, and NOW I have to stand on the promise – with BOTH FEET.  When You said to me, “You have one foot on Me,” You also said, “It might get harder before it gets better.” 

Until today I hadn’t made up my mind … to really take the other foot off the supplements.  I was counting on them to heal me, just in case You decided not to.  Did I really think I could do an “end run” around You and achieve my own healing behind Your back?  Did I really want to?

As the song says, “Better is one day in Your courts – Your presence and Your will – than thousands elsewhere.”  Why would I trust my life to anyone or anything besides You?  “You know the plans You have for me – plans to prosper me and not to harm me.”  (Jeremiah 29:11-14) 

All of my days were written in Your books before I was born.  When YOUR PLAN for my life is finished, You will allow death to consume me, and not a day sooner.  Once again I submit my life and my health into Your loving and compassionate hands.  I trust You to do what You have promised WHEN You have decided it will be.  I will fix my eyes on You.  You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and my life.  I will not look to the left or the right – at my pain or medical tests.  Your purposes will stand, and no man or demon can stand against You.

 

Eventually every Christian that has a terminal illness MUST get to the point … this point for Vicki … when he or she says, “I’ve tried and will continue to try my best – but ultimately, my life and days are in God’s hands … and that’s a great place to be.”

Faith.  Faith in God.  Faith in science.  Faith in medicine.  Have you observed that most people – be they secular or religious – have little or no problem putting their faith in doctors, surgeons, treatments, and medications?  In fact, “that’s what smart, educated people do,” we say. 

But every day, people who put their faith in science, a new medicine, or in doctors don’t make it.  They die.  Why is it that faith in God is stupid, while faith in man is not?  Think about it:

·      Every day people go into surgery, trusting skilled surgeons to perform their magic, and don’t make it. 

·      Every day chemotherapies and radiation bombardments fail to slow down the advance of the diseases that torment us. 

·      Every day medicines don’t perform the way we hope.  People die in spite of the finest care human beings can provide for others.

·      Every day people who have run out of options are encouraged to avail themselves of medical colleges’ experimental opportunities … to take advantage of new ideas, new drugs, new chemicals, and new machines.

 

And if a person gets burned out on the medical community but they have an aversion to considering faith in God?  Nowadays it’s cutting-edge thinking to believe that homeopathic alternatives, juicing, organic foods, cryogenics, certain herbs, mega-doses of certain vitamins, avoiding all sugars, yoga, and colonics will cure our diseases.  Health retreat centers and specialized alternative treatment facilities are the rage.

So … again … why are Christians ridiculed when they put their total trust in God?

There is a double standard.  I can tell you from personal experience, secularly indoctrinated people don’t know what to do with a medically verified miracle.  They don’t know what to do with a doctor’s testimony that says God stepped in and did the impossible.

But when a Christ-follower decides, “I’ve done it man’s way.  Now, I’m going to trust God,” and they die?  The expert who had no response for the healing miracle will have a snobbish response for the death of a believer!  I know that from experience, too.   

The double standard exists.  Doctors will call the failed result of exhausting mankind’s best attempts at healing “a natural death,” and they will rage against the idea of trusting God alone.  They might go so far as to call putting faith in God for healing “religious suicide,” or “evangelical witchery.”  We found that the scientific community’s elite and the medical community’s best and brightest will always believe they own the high ground of faith … faith in man.

Thank God for Drs. Jones, Welander, and Kuta, who in spite of their training, treatment decisions and tireless efforts, understood why Vicki came to this place – of totally trusting God, no matter the outcome.  They supported her decision.

April 23, 2003

What a wonderful peace has settled over me, even though the pain in my side and back is worse.  What a joy to finally know that my faith won’t go up or down with my symptoms.

On Monday I stood with all my supplements before me and prayed over which ones I should put aside.  God led me to choose all the ones whose purpose was targeted at “destroying the cancer.” I can continue the rest.  I know they’re all helpful, and this won’t make any sense to most people, but I have to make a clean break from depending on anything but God for my healing.  He is able to do it unassisted, and I believe He is calling me to trust in Him alone, without my “back-up plan.”

He is going to use my decision – to trust Him alone – to build the faith of others one day.  I feel so honored to be chosen by Him for this purpose.

Lowell is being so supportive; he told me he didn’t care how or why I was healed, he just wanted me healed!  I know this is hard on him, but I’m so grateful for his support.  Our relationship is getting stronger every day.  God has truly been changing my thoughts and my speech toward him.  He says he can tell a big difference.  Praise God!

 

There was not guarantee Vicki was going to be healed again, but we believed her when she said God would.  We trusted her, and respected her decision.