The Dark Night of the Soul
The New Challenge
37. The Dark Night of the Soul
The fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself.[248]
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.[249]
There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness, stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. Give that old dark night of the soul a hug! Howl the eternal yes![250]
Vicki had walked (and stumbled) through a few difficult faith dilemmas (the initial move to Richmond in 1982, the ovarian cyst scare of 1993, my depression that same year, Brandon’s prodigal years, and her 1998 cancer diagnosis), but nothing like she was about to encounter.
Christ acknowledged that each day held a potential for problems. Jesus called it “trouble” in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 6:34) – “Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
16th century Spanish poet, Roman Catholic Carmelite priest and mystic, Saint John of the Cross, wrote a poem - Dark Night of the Soul, and he added a theological commentary. The saint describes “the mystical development and stages he is subjected to on his journey toward union with God.” Since this writing became available to the public, the phrase “dark night of the soul” has become an expression used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life, a metaphor for a certain loneliness and desolation. In Roman Catholic tradition, the dark night of the soul is typically associated with a “crisis of faith”.[251]
I’ve seen it. The expectation that God would never allow trouble to come our way becomes a real faith killer. Some believers “fall away.” It happens.
In Chapter 33 we talked about death and dying, but understand this: it’s only when you and I are staring death in the face that we truly find out what we believe about dying.
When November 2002, rolled around we weren’t expecting another dark night. After dinner out one night Vicki suggested that we forego our plans for a movie and head home. She told me that she had a surprise for me waiting.
Vic skipped into the house and up the stairs. About five minutes later she came down to our family room. She was dressed in some sexy pajamas, with a big bow attached to a sash that hung off one of her shoulders – looking like a Miss America contestant.
Several weeks before this night out we had attempted to make love but had had to stop because of some discomfort in her abdomen, but Vicki assured me, “I’m feeling really good tonight … so … I’m your surprise.”
What started out as a fantastic night, however, came to a startling end when Vicki began to bleed. Immediately we headed for the emergency room. We also put in a call to Dr. Jones.
November 8, 2002
I don’t even want to put this on paper because that makes it seem more real. Dr. Jones felt a suspicious lump yesterday. I’m scheduled for a CT scan on November 16th.
Lowell and I are in disbelief, and still trying to absorb what this really means. So many thoughts, so many questions, fears, and concerns. What if “it’s” back? Will I die? Do I rebuke it or accept it? Is it nothing – just a test of my faith?
I’m trying to manage this sense of dread that is rising up in me. I’m trying to “take every thought captive,” and trust in what I know to be true about God – that He’s good. He is in control. He has numbered my days, and nothing will block His plan for my life.
I was praying today, feeling a little sorry for myself and remembering that just last week Lowell and I were saying how wonderful life is right now … so we’d better enjoy it while it lasted. And I cried out, “God, why can’t we just have it good for a while? Why can’t we just rest and enjoy the moment? I’m tired of new challenges!”
An answer came quickly – “Didn’t you volunteer to be on the front lines? Didn’t you say, ‘I want my life to count. Use me, Lord?’ You’re in a battle, and there’s not much time to rest. In a war, the soldiers may get a week … off but not a year. So few are willing to volunteer for the front line – where most of the action is. Do you regret the offer?”
I had to answer, “No, I don’t regret it. I want to make the most of the days I have left – whatever that may be.”
I just don’t want to be afraid. I want my faith to be strong and unshakeable. I’m disappointed that I feel so shaken right now. I had hoped I was beyond this … but it looks like I haven’t achieved “saint” status yet! I’m weak, but He is strong. Looks like it’s time to press in hard again. “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)
November 16, 2002
Today is the CT scan. I read Psalm 71 this morning. It was wonderful.
Dear God, who would I trust but You. My confidence has been in You since my youth (verse 5 – “For You have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.”) You have proven Yourself faithful again and again – even when I have been faithless. “All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16). I am still in the palm of Your hand. I submit myself to Your will, fully confident that You have a plan that is far greater than what my eyes can see. Your Kingdom will go on without me, but once again I proclaim that I CHOOSE to be on the front lines of the battle for Your glory and Your eternal purposes. I hope and pray and expect that I will be of more use to You alive, for who can praise You from the grave? Yet, my confidence is in You and You alone. You are the strong fortress that I run into, O God.
Two days later Vicki had a “conversation” with her journals. She said goodbye to one and hello to the next.
November 18, 2002
This journal has run out of pages, and so I go on to the next. I feel like I’m saying “goodbye” to an old friend. For FOUR YEARS and ONE MONTH you have been a constant source of comfort and release. This is where I have come to express my deepest fears and highest joys. You are so comfortable and comforting to me, but I have no choice but to move on to a new book/phase of my life. I pray that God will use these pages to encourage and comfort others. But more than anything, I hope and expect that they will point many to the faithful, loving, powerful and compassionate heart of God, who will never leave us or forsake us.
November 18, 2002
Hello, new friend. Your pages are blank and new. What words will fill them in the days ahead? What will my future hold, and will it last long enough to fill these pages and move on to another journal? I am full of questions and a thousand confusing thoughts.
The CT scan two days ago revealed that my enemy had returned. Dr. John Kuta came in on his day off to pray with us and read the scan for us. He’s fairly confident that it is the ovarian cancer he sees around the psoas muscle. We meet with Dr. Jones on Thursday.
It doesn’t feel real. We know it’s bad, but our hearts aren’t breaking – yet. Is it God’s peace or just denial? (We’ve only told the Orms until after Thursday. I dread telling our families and Trinity.)
I can’t get my mind around it. It makes no sense at all. Why would God so dramatically heal me if He intends to allow me to die two years later?
Will I die? I could fill pages with my questions, but for now I will ask God to help me “take every thought captive,” and put my trust in Him. I will focus on the things I know – God is good, faithful, loving, merciful and wise. He has defeated death and the grave, and is preparing a place for me in heaven. Life WILL end one day, and I will spend eternity in unimaginable glory.
“Faith is not believing in my own unshakeable belief. Faith is believing in an unshakeable God when everything in me trembles and shakes.” (Beth Moore)
On November 18th Vicki was writing out what she hoped to live out.
Since January of 2001, when Vicki was healed, something had changed. Vicki had subconsciously developed faith in her faith. She had come to believe that everything hinged on her being resolute and strong in her “faith.” That is, if she was sick, it might be because her “faith” was weak, and conversely, if she was being blessed it was most likely a reward for being strong in her “faith.” Twenty-two months later she was wondering if she had faith in “an unshakable God,” or did she trust some formula, or a particular teaching or teacher? Both of us wondered, “Has the giddiness of the healing caused us to lose our focus on God’s purposes and ways?”
In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus goes to the pinnacle of the temple in Jerusalem, where Satan would tempt Him to “test God.” Here’s the context:
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry. The tempter came to Him and said, “If You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread”
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”’
Then the devil took Him to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
‘He will command His angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”[252]
We all need to learn the difference between putting God to a test, and exercising faith that will move mountains. It matters what Scripture you’re quoting, and for what purpose. If you’ve got a personal agenda … such as your healing … and you quote Scripture and you exercise your faith in the Word of God, it should matter if God is giving you permission to do so.
The devil himself believes in God, and he can quote from the Bible, but that doesn’t mean anything because he has an agenda. (His agenda, of course, is to wreck havoc on God’s Kingdom, and bring any subjects of that Kingdom he can down to destruction.)
I’m certainly not suggesting that Vicki’s cancer came back because she was listening to Satan. No way! What I am saying is that if anyone isn’t absolutely sure God is giving His permission to use His Word in a particular time, place or setting, beware!
Someone can exercise “faith” in the Word and still miss out on what God intends. But He’s so gracious. He won’t punish you for doing so! If you miss what He really said in His Word, He’s not going to “teach you a lesson” that will result in your death. He’s just not bound to do what you desire because you’re exercising faith in (1) YOUR faith or (2) your spin (or your favorite teacher’s spin) on His Word.
Note: what some people say is faith isn’t faith at all. They’re expressing their hopes, wishes and desires, while sincerely believing that God will accommodate them.
If you find yourself in a predicament – maybe a dark night of the soul – one of the best ways to deal with the issue is to speak what you’re feeling and thinking OUT LOUD. Jesus did. That’s what Vicki did.
November 19, 2002
Wow! What an amazing prayer time! No despair. No hopelessness. Satan won’t give up, but he is defeated! HE knows God’s power can easily overcome him – but only if WE know it. The only thing that can defeat us and destroy us is giving in to the despair and not realizing our position in Christ. Satan never gave up on attacking Jesus, in hopes that He would be so distracted by His circumstances that He would forget His position in God. But He didn’t He rebuked Satan every time He confronted him in any form. And Satan had to submit every time.
God is more powerful than this cancer. It MUST submit to His will. Satan cannot destroy my body or my soul. He is in total subjection to the will of God. I rebuke despair, fear, hopelessness and death. Satan has no power over my mind or my body. I proclaim that the same power that raised Christ from the dead will quicken, empower and energize my immune system and every part of my body. God’s perfect will SHALL be worked out in my body. I will proclaim my healing until He tells me otherwise. I will trust and believe that His plan for me includes many more years of proclaiming His goodness to the next generation (Psalm 71:18).[253]
As I was praying in tongues I began to laugh and laugh. I said, “The joke is on you, Satan. You can’t win!” (I said that out loud.)
God is in this. He’s right beside me and in me and all over me. There will be no confusion this time. We’re way past that. I will seek Him with all my heart, and He will direct me in the way that I should go. Lowell and I WILL hear His voice concerning treatment, and we will walk confidently ahead through the “valley of the SHADOW of death.”[254]
Death has been conquered. It has lost its victory and its sting!
Vic’s forty-ninth birthday celebration had much of the wind sucked out of its sails. The stunning news from that morning affected the rest of the day. She didn’t feel like having cake and ice cream, and I didn’t push it.
November 22, 2002
We met with Dr. Jones on November 20th. This “thing” is attached to and entwined in my psoas muscle and down into the lymph nodes in my pelvis. It’s the size of a hot dog bun. Surgery and chemotherapy are not options, but we might try radiation.
It sure sounds like we’re back in the deep [end of the pool, with the] water way over our heads. Once again, only God can save us.
Lowell and I both read 2 Chronicles 20 again. Two years ago when God gave the promise to me from His Word [that I would be healed] I never noticed verses 7, 10 and 11: “O our God, did You not drive out the inhabitants of this land before Your people … but now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir (the enemy) whose territory You would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. (Dr. Jones “turned away” from cutting away a lot of the psoas muscle during the first surgery because doing so would take away my ability to walk and do many other things – plus it was dangerous.) See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession You gave us as an inheritance (my healing testimony). O our God, will You not judge them?”
God also drew our minds to verse 3, where Jehoshaphat proclaimed a fast for all the people – to seek God for help.
I felt that at least Lowell and I should fast, but he feels led to ask all those who will from Trinity to join with us – that we should all come together to seek God and ask Him to speak His heart and will to us.
I’m so grateful and overwhelmed that God spoke this to Lowell. I do feel that God is not going to just speak to me this time, but to Lowell (and maybe to others at Trinity). We need a word from the Lord to stir up our faith.
Just last night I was a little fearful and was praying, “God, I didn’t want to do this again. I don’t know if I can do this again.” I looked down at my open Bible, and there was a long, skinny piece of paper sticking out. I hadn’t seen that piece of paper for months, but when I pulled it out to look at it, is said, “Exodus 4:11-12 – Yes, you can do it. I will give you all that is necessary.”[255]
Like Moses, Vicki felt totally inadequate for the trials that lay before her. Moses had to face Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, and speak God’s will that he free the nation of Israel from their slavery. Vicki had to face the cancer that was trying to rule her body, and continue speaking the truth about who God was and how much He loved her. She ended this entry:
Wow! I was blown away. The tears came, and I thanked God for always coming through when I need Him. He is so good!
One other story from the Bible encouraged Vicki during this time. Moses had sent twelve spies into Canaan (ancient Palestine, the Promised Land) to bring back a report of what level of resistance the Israelites could expect from its current inhabitants. When they spies returned they brought back huge clusters of grapes that confirmed that the land was “flowing with milk and honey,” a way of saying the land was extremely fruitful and desirable.
November 23, 2002
God is going to do a new thing this time. He is going to show us the way to go, since we have never been this way before (Joshua 3:4). He wants us to be strong and very courageous (Joshua 1:7), and meditate on His Word and His promises day and night, not looking to the left or the right (at our circumstances). Yes, there are “giants” in the land, but the “grapes” are very large, too, and God will go before us to lead us to the inheritance that He has promised us. (Numbers 13:23-28)
Vicki used the analogy of giants and grapes to describe how she felt about the cancer (the giant) and the hope of another healing (the grapes). She wrapped up this entry by quoting from one of her new favorite passages:
“I am God, and there is none like Me. I say, ‘My purpose will stand and I will do all that I please … what I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.” (Isaiah 46:9-11)
She felt very confident she knew what God planned to do. She believed He was going to heal her again.
