Yoked and Free
36. Yoked and Free
“Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization.”[233]
“I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.”[234]
“The Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free …”[235]
“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”[236]
“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates.
But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.”[237]
Now Vicki and I were “yoked together” like never before. We had each been pruned, died a little, surrendered a lot, and now we were being reborn. We now had a stronger friendship.
Being yoked was a metaphor referring to any kind of joint participation, formal or informal, that significantly alters and then reforms one’s own identity. Scott J. Hafemann[238] explains yoking this way: “Going to a political convention does not necessarily make one a Republican, as playing softball periodically does not make someone a member of a team, or [someone periodically] fixing a faucet, a plumber.” [I take that to mean (1) that going to McDonald’s doesn’t make someone a hamburger like (2) going to church doesn’t make someone a Christian.]
Vicki and I were allies, sharing a new identity. We were “knit” together, not just joined, in the same way that two yarns become one sweater. Our individualism was giving way to collaboration. And because we were now a team like never before there was a feeling of freedom and wildness in the air. Both of us felt free enough to let go of some things that had kept our relationship with God and with each other on a slow track.
June 10, 2002
Brandon has been home for two weeks and it’s been wonderful. I bought him the book, “Wild At Heart,”[239] by John Eldredge, and I wrote in the cover:
“To Brandon, Did you know that God has given you the wild heart you possess; the longing for adventure, excitement, and the unknown? This author captures a passion that seems unique to men, and initiated by God. As you chase the many adventures that call you, may this book open your heart to pursue your dreams with an abandon you’ve never known, a determination to discover your truest purpose on this earth. You have a wonderful heart and an incredible passion for life. People are drawn to you, and will follow you where you lead … but never live to please people. Listen to the deepest part of your heart, and I know that it will lead you to the heart of God. He’s CRAZY about you, and has great adventures planned for YOU! Love, Dad and Mom.”
June 30, 2002
I just went through a “Living Free” conference, by Neil Anderson. Lowell and I each had a “freedom appointment,” and God did such a wonderful work in my heart.
Janice (last name unknown) led me through “The Seven Steps to Freedom,” and God exposed many of the lies of Satan that I have believed ALL MY LIFE! I saw the terrible pride I have been walking in; that is, legalism and “spiritual” accomplishments based on my own efforts. I demanded performance from myself and my family in order to love and be loved. I decided that God’s acceptance and mine were based on performing, not grace. I’ve never been able to show grace easily because I didn’t believe that any of us deserved it. I had built my own kingdom, and shut God’s truth out.
I repented of and then renounced a life based on my own performance and the performance of others.
And I also renounced my “right” to act as the Holy Spirit in Lowell’s life. This is not now, nor ever has it been, my role to play. There is only ONE Holy Spirit, and He is quite capable of changing and growing my husband into the man God wants him to be … not the man I want him to be. God chose Lowell, and called him to ministry, and He will perfect him. My role is to support, encourage, and love him. “Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:6-8 – “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”)
I also chose to forgive Lowell, Brandon, and many others for the deep wounds I have been holding onto in my heart for SO long. I feel more hopeful than ever, and I believe that God will use this conference, and these truths, to heal my marriage and increase our ministry.
Lowell seems so much more hopeful, too.
July 18, 2002
God is using Patricia Reeves to call me into prayer and communion with Him. I have been so undisciplined in my prayer and study time, yet I KNOW He wants to speak to me. He has been waking Pat and giving her open doors to minister to women. He WANTS to use me, but I have to make Him my first priority. I get so easily distracted by such unimportant things.
This is LIFE and DEATH! Even if I have forty years left, others don’t. People are dying around me, and I believe God wants to speak to them through me, but I’m not listening. These are desperate times, and we’re surrounded by desperate people.
God wants to reach them and love them through us. He will give me direction and divine appointments if I’ll seek Him. He has chosen me. He’s calling me away from the mundane and unimportant things of life and hear His voice. He wants to talk to me, but I haven’t made time to listen. It’s THE MOST IMPORTANT thing I do – listening to His voice and His heart. He wants to give me His heart and His power to change lives. He wants to give any of us His power if only we will go after Him with abandon. He wants to be our magnificent obsession – so He can show us how obsessed He is with US. He pursues us, forgives us, and pours His love into us and out through us into others.
I want to flow in the power of His Spirit and do only the things He’s calling me to do. I don’t want to waste my time and energy doing fruitless things – things that have nothing “of the divine” about them. God could fill us every hour of every day with the “good works prepared in advance for me to do.” I want to do HIS WORKS, with HIS POWER, and see HIS FRUIT – fruit that results in eternal life. His works lead to peace, joy, and extreme fulfillment. (John 12:49-50)
July 22, 2002
John 16:23-28 – “… My Father will give you whatever you ask in My name …”
Jesus said He won’t ask FOR us, but we’ll ask God directly, and God the Father will answer us because of our relationship to Him through Jesus Christ, His Son. We have been made His sons and daughters. The Father loves us because we have loved Christ, and God loves us AS He loved His Son. (John 15:9 and John 17:23)
We are to ask the Father, NOT Jesus (John 12:49, 50). Jesus did nothing without asking the Father. God told Him “… what to say, and how to say it.”
That’s what I want for MY life!
It had taken time to get to this place. It had been difficult work forging the kind of partnership we were now enjoying. Like producing a fine piece of furniture, chipping and rough sanding had finally given way to smoothing and polishing … and enjoying.
Part of enjoying her newfound freedom brought Vic to a place where she began to feel like she no longer “… needed to be the voice of God … or the Holy Spirit” in my life.
While she was enjoying her healing Vicki felt free to invite God to go even deeper into her soul; she became even more vulnerable to Him, opening up more of her heart to change.
July 29, 2002 (A prayer)
Lord, when I had cancer I made an offer to You. If you would heal me and allow me to live, I would give myself completely to you for the rest of my days; I would serve You with abandon, and make every day count for eternity.
I confess that I have failed to keep my end of the deal. I have allowed the busy-ness of life and work to overwhelm me. I have become discouraged and undisciplined in my time with You.
I was so afraid that this would happen. I was almost afraid to get well … for fear that I would forget the intensity of our times together, in the heat of my crisis. Trials can be wonderful when they draw us so close to You. My faith was so strong, and Your love was so real to me! Why can’t I keep the intensity during the good times? Why am I so self-centered – that I only press into You when I NEED something?
I want to build discipline into my life that will bring me to my knees before You CONSISTENTLY. That must be the key. If I talk to You and LISTEN to You daily, I won’t be able to forget Your love and Your plan for Your children. If I read Your letters to me every day, I’ll keep Your desires as the focus of my life.
I hate the everyday tasks I’m required to complete – paying bills, cleaning, cooking, working. But as long as I’m confined to this earth those things won’t go away. So … I MUST structure my day so that You are the #1 priority. Then, all the other things will have more meaning and purpose. I WILL become more disciplined. It’s my choice, and I choose it today.
August 18, 2002 (A prayer)
I have lived forty-eight years, doing what was good and pleasant for me. Now I want to do what is good and pleasing to You, Lord. I make myself available, to do the “hard things” that others are unwilling to do. I want to fulfill Your good and perfect will for my life, no matter what the cost. If it is Your will it can only be good – in the end. I choose to serve Your purposes and no longer my own. I am done with selfish acts that only protect and promote myself. I choose to protect and promote Your name and Your Kingdom here on earth, as it will one day be in heaven. I choose to be a handmaiden of the Lord.
August 20, 2002
I am praying for guidance in several areas. I was led to Romans 14. My goal is to improve my attitude toward Lowell. I’ve been asking God to purge anything hurtful in me, and reveal my weaknesses to me. He showed me that I am no longer to speak judgmentally to Lowell. I am not even to think judgmentally of Lowell. (He will stand or fall before God, and God says that he (Lowell) will stand. [Romans 14:4] We each give an account of ourselves to God. We don’t give an accounting of our spouse to God.)
I have enough issues of my own to deal with.
I need to let the Holy Spirit deal with Lowell’s heart. From now on, if He wants to speak through me He’ll have to be leading me very strongly. I want to be Lowell’s encourager. I need to let others play the role of confronter. When I speak to Lowell he doesn’t hear “conviction” from the Holy Spirit … he only hears condemnation. He has, from his past and his growing up, strong voices in his heart condemning him. When I speak to Lowell in a condescending way I feed the condemning voices in his head and heart – the voices that have always told him that he was never good enough.
Only God can lead someone to change without wounding their heart. Only God can lead Lowell to change without wounding his heart.
I need to see my role as Lowell encourager, friend, and lover, and let God perform His role as only He can.
If I can trust God to heal me of cancer certainly I can entrust Lowell to God. Surely I can trust God to speak to his heart and bring the changes that God desires. I need to trust God to speak to Lowell. Lowell trusts God. He doesn’t always trust me, or other people.
I desperately need God’s help to break old habits and patterns. I will also have to trust that He will help me.
Romans 15:5,6 – “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
August 21, 2002
God was been speaking to me – through Lowell, Patricia, the writings of Reinhardt Bonkke, and certainly His Word.
Lowell had two word-pictures for me – images that he believes God showed him about me. First image: I was in a boat with Jesus. The storm and winds were all around us but I was not to worry about that. I did not need to know where we were going or how we would get there – only that Jesus was with me, and that He was in control.
Second image: I had a rod in my hand. It looked like the same kind of rod Moses might have had when he was leading the Children of Israel out of Egypt. The “rod” was made up of God’s words. There would be power in the rod (God’s words) as I went to meet with Pam.
Cheryl Orms, Patricia Reeves and I went to Mechanicsville Christian Center (Mechanicsville, Virginia) yesterday to pray with Pamela Nuckols and her husband, Steve. Before we went the three of us prayed here at home first. Cheryl and Pat has really encouraging words for me, that they were sure God would use me. They believed that God was placing a greater anointing on me, and that He wanted to heal people through me. They also said I was to have confidence in God, and go in His strength and power. Their words pumped me up, and I went with a lot of boldness.
When we met with Pamela I had a great peace come over me. The others said they felt the same peace. The Holy Spirit led our prayer time; we all shared Scripture and any impressions we felt God was giving us. Paul Goodman (the senior pastor at that time) anointed Pamela with oil, and I prayed for her healing. We all felt so confident – that THIS was the day of her healing! Now we are waiting for the report.
This was the first time the three of us (Cheryl, Pat and me) have done anything like this together. It felt like such a wonderful team – like God created this team. I don’t think it’s the last time we will work together as a team.
God is stirring all three of us with faith for “signs and wonders” (biblical words for miracles and healings), and all three of us long to see God glorified.
I’m trusting and sensing that God’s timing is in this – and that our coming together has a lot to do with the new relationship Lowell and I are forging. I had to (and still have to) realize how important it is that I honor Lowell, and recognize his role in my life and ministry. I can’t function in ministry apart from him. God brought us together in marriage and in ministry partnership. I really feel strongly that God has put husbands in the primary family leadership role. Now, I have to live like I believe it.
I remember my “vision” of The River – that we will be ministering to different people, but we’ll always be connected by a strong rope (the cords of marriage, honor, respect, love – bound together by the Holy Spirit).
God will show us the role that Lowell is to play in the ministry that God is developing in my life, and He will show us what my role will be in the ministry God is developing in his. We both have parts to play, and it’s synergistic. “One can put a thousand to flight, but two can put ten-thousand to flight.”[240]
We’re meant to be a team – Lowell and me! God doesn’t want me to be perceived, either by myself or others, as “more spiritual” than Lowell. It isn’t true, anyway. And besides that, if necessary, God will reign in my enthusiasm (hold me back) until Lowell is ready to lead. I must never forget that Lowell is “the head,” and he is God’s “covering” for me. God will show me how to minister under that covering.
I have such zeal right now. I’m so excited! Lowell does, too, but he’s much more cautious than I am. And it isn’t fear. I think it’s wisdom … but I don’t always communicate that to him. Ha! I’m the wild mare, ready to run in the pasture, totally unaware of the ruts and gopher holes hidden in the tall grass.
Lord, help me to not confuse my zeal with wisdom … and help me to communicate to him how much I value Lowell’s leadership.
August 27, 2002
I’m reading “Forever Ruined for the Ordinary” by Joy Dawson.[241] It’s about hearing and obeying the voice of God. I’ve been watching Benny Hinn on television. I haven’t always respected his genuiness (sic)[242] but I KNOW that he hears God’s voice for healing. A deep hunger is growing in my to hear God’s voice like Jesus did. It IS possible. I feel that if I continue to show myself trustworthy in the small things the God will continue to move me toward the greater things. I began asking last week for the “gifts”[243] to operate through me, especially prophecy, healing, faith and miracles. Last Sunday God gave me “words” for two people when they came to the altar for prayer. I only want to say and do what I feel the Father is leading me to say and do.
I’ve talked to Lowell concerning the two of us praying for direction on the following: (1) buying a new home, (2) vacation plans for 2003, (3) financial debt.
We decided to stop using our Visa card for now – our American Airlines miles card – and work on our budget. We’ve been spending over our income for a couple of months. We need God’s help to be wise, honoring Him with our finances. It feels like a heavy blanket has been placed on my heart because we haven’t been altogether responsible and trustworthy with the money God has blessed us with. We should be ahead, but we’re just “even” right now in our spending/income. We’ve been using our home equity line – borrowing from ourselves – to pay for nutritional supplements (especially) and medical co-pays. Now we’re living over the edge of our income and it scares me.
I want to pray together over these things. I’m waiting for Lowell to get onboard. I’m trying so hard to trust God to move his heart so that my concerns don’t come across as nagging … or blaming him for what WE have done.
It’s hard to give up my role as “Holy Spirit #2!”
By now you would have thought that God would be finished working on Vicki’s character, but it seems He still had some tweaking to do.
God was Vicki’s Sculptor. He’s an Artist desirous to make each one of His children a masterpiece of humanity; a completed person to show off to the world – like grandparents who pull out photos of their grandchildren. God loves to say, “What do you think of my child? She’s great, isn’t she? She’s mine. I did that!”
More than once Vicki had prayed, “… O LORD, You are our Father. We are the clay, You are the Potter; we are all the work of Your hand.”[244] She would say, “I know You’re not through with me yet. If I can see flaws, You certainly can. I trust You with my life. I belong to You, and You, O God, can make me into anything You wish. And if You need to, You can remake me. My ultimate desire is to please You, and be warmed by Your loving smile, so let’s get on with it!”
One instrument God, the Potter, pulled out of His repertoire of tools from time to time was shaped like a checkbook. He used our finances, and the way we impulsively spent money, to work on our values and priorities.
September 12, 2002
We have been impulsive and extravagant with our money – overspending on nutritional supplements and organic foods. We’ve been spending money on these things because I’ve been fearful, and because of that I feel that we’ve been holding back God’s hand of blessing in every area of our lives (physical healing, stress reduction, etc.).
Lowell asked to pray together concerning our finances. I feel so ashamed of my disobedience to God in this area. We are in a deep hole (again!), and it feels impossible to get out of it. We’re both ready to listen and obey God’s leading on this.
After reading “Forever Ruined for the Ordinary”[245] God is showing both of us that we are living with the consequences of disobeying the truth and principles He has already shown us in His Word.
I don’t need to ask for more insight until I’m willing to obey what His Word has ALREADY said to me. When we are obedient, God releases His blessings. When are disobedient He withholds them, not because He doesn’t love us but because He does. He doesn’t want us to get into trouble over and over again.
I feel a release in my spirit/heart – a lifting of the heaviness in my heart – of the fear and shame. I only regret that it’s taken this long to respond to the Holy Spirit’s promptings (because He has been speaking to me/us about this for months, but we’ve been too afraid to trust Him).
There are truly consequences for the sin of disobedience, again – not because God is unjust, cruel, or ticked off at us. He loves us immeasurably. But there are consequences. If there are no negative consequences, God wouldn’t go to the trouble of informing us that there’s a good and a “not-so-good” (really “bad”) way of living.
As immature children we insist on having our way. At the time of our misbehavior we don’t care to hear what God says about what is best for us. We just want what we want, when we want it. At the time of our misbehavior we don’t care about anyone but ourselves. It doesn’t matter that our disobedience effects others, or our future.
That’s certainly been the case for Lowell and me. I told him that he gives in to me too much – that he needs to challenge me when it comes to our spending. He told me something interesting. Because I’ve done so much research on nutraceuticals[246] [natural, homeopathic and nutritional ways of boosting the immune system in order to fight cancer, as opposed to using pharmaceuticals[247] exclusively], he’s hesitant to challenge me because it sounds like he is opposed to me “… using such information to aid in [my] healing, or [my] continued health.”
Really, the challenge has not been WHAT I’ve been buying, but how much.
On the same subject – the consequences of disobedience and sin – we’re reeling from a new and painful wound. Two weeks ago (on August 31) Paul revealed his moral failure to the family. It’s been awful to see the pain his sin has caused. Kathy is so deeply wounded.
I’m so thankful that God can restore us from the most horrendous sin.
September 21, 2002
Today, in chapter 3 of “Victory Over the Darkness” God showed me a wonderful and terrible thing. The book said, “The hammer fell. It feel on Christ.” I realized I had been holding a hammer of judgment and condemnation over my head and Lowell’s for all our lives together. I believed I had to constantly work to keep that hammer from falling on me. But it didn’t stop there. It affected all my intimate relationships. If Lowell pleased me, I rewarded him. (Brandon and Chris, too.) But if his behavior didn’t meet my standards, especially spiritually, then the hammer feel on his head and heart.
When I look back over the things I have written in my journal about Lowell and his performance – especially his failures – I’m heartbroken. I’ve had “moments” of success in dealing with my judgmentalism and performance-drive love (which is not really love at all).
I have always taken on the role of judge and jury in others’ lives. I have condemned others for not living up to MY interpretation of God’s standards. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
This is PRIDE – sin!
God doesn’t hold a hammer of condemnation or judgment over me, and He doesn’t want me to hold it over myself or others!
I prayed today with much brokenness and repentance, and asked God to take the hammer out of my hand. I renounced the “spirit” (attitude) of condemnation and pride that I had allowed Satan to put in me, and I asked God to cut all access off from Satan in this area. By faith, I am now free from a condemning spirit. I will not receive it, or express it again, with God’s help. I will extend grace in place of condemnation. I will allow God’s Holy Spirit to transform my mind. I will allow God’s Holy Spirit to transform Lowell’s mind (healing him from the wounds of years of condemnation from me), since that is no longer, nor has it every been rightly, my role. I can change no one but myself … and even then it is GOD who works in me to accomplish that purpose.
I’m going to speak something out loud, by faith: “I am free from a spirit of judgment and condemnation.” Thank You, God!
I know it’s not going to happen because I have the power to change myself, but I can take personal responsibility to change the way I talk, and I can rely on God to gradually change the way I consistently THINK.
He did His part – God revealed the truth to me about my negative and prideful attitude. He began the process of changing me by making me aware that I had a change to make … that I was flawed. But instead of CONDEMNING me, God has given me HOPE instead. He believes I can change. He believes that His truth “will set me free!” And I believe it, too. I am not perfect. Only God is. But He can change a heart that is open to His leading.
Romans 8:33, 34 – “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he … or SHE … that condemns?”
I don’t want it to be me anymore!
November 5, 2002
Oooh. I destroyed my wedding/engagement ring a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t know it, but I had dropped it into the garbage disposer. When I turned it on there was a horrible sound … and I knew what it was.
Lowell bought me a beautiful, new ring today. I LOVE IT!
