Salsa

35.  Salsa

 

“There are two types of salsa.  One’s a dance and the other is a dip.  Both have a hot, or fiery, flavor if they’re authentic salsas!  Who invented the salsa dip or dance? The Cubans, Puerto Ricans?  I think it had to be someone with Hispanic roots, possessing a Latin temperament.  It had to be someone daring.”[224]

 

“ … and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”[225]

 

“Friendship makes prosperity more shining

and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.”[226]

 

December 27, 2001

I just finished “Secrets of the Vine,” by Bruce Wilkinson.[227]  What a wonderful look into the heart of God, as He prunes us and prepares us for “more fruit.”  I believe there’s a key in this book to unlock Lowell’s fears and confusion. 

Lowell’s seven-week sabbatical began yesterday.  I’m excited and more than a little nervous.  We both have such great expectations and hopes for this time.  I know that if I interfere with what God wants to do in Lowell, I could really screw things up.  I’m praying that God will help me keep my mouth shut as I trust HIM to do His own work.  I’m not very good at keeping my thoughts to myself (since I surely believe that God needs my help!).  I’m praying desperately that God will help me love Lowell with that same unconditional love He has for him. 

I get so impatient with Lowell lately, as though I had reached perfection myself!  I know that he has much to learn, but Lowell isn’t listening to me these days.  Only God’s Spirit can reach into his spirit and change his heart.  I pray that he will discover the joy of “abiding in God’s presence,” and it will become LIFE to him.  He seems so weary of the duty of serving God.  I know that God is longing to draw him into the passion of His presence again. 

Lowell used to be so passionate about his relationship with Jesus … but there seems to be very little passion left in him for anything or anyone.  This sounds sadly familiar, but my hope comes from knowing that God never loses His passion for us.  He is bound and determined to show Lowell the keys to His Kingdom, and the keys to His unconditional love and overcoming power!  He has a plan for Lowell, and He will never give up.  Neither will I.

Chris prayed a moving prayer on Christmas morning as he, Lowell, and I stood around the presents before opening them.  Lowell had just read the story of the birth of Jesus, and we joined hands to thank God for all His blessings this year.  We are all so aware that I wouldn’t be here except for God’s mercy in healing me.  We miss Brandon so terribly, as this is our first Christmas without him.  (His presents never even arrived in Maui!)  Chris thanked God for His goodness and then began to ask Him to help us keep our hearts and eyes on Him no matter what trials and heartaches we may face in the future, and [he prayed that we would] remember that He is worth everything, no matter what we may lose … or suffer.

I had a strange – almost fearful – sense that Chris’ prayer was prophetic.  Would we lose him one day to this passionate, radical calling he has, to serve God in hard, unreached places?  I know he belongs to God, but my mother’s heart wants to keep him safe and close.  I suspect that may not fit God’s plan.  (One more area to grow in faith and trust.)

 

January 17, 2002

Lowell is three weeks into his sabbatical, and all is NOT well.  I’ve been trying very hard NOT to voice my expectations and frustrations to him.  I’ve really tried to limit my expectations to seeing him relax and spend time with, or reading about God (in the Bible).  He doesn’t seem to be doing either very well.  He’s still so tense, and I haven’t seen him open his Bible once.  I suspect he associates reading about God to the stress of his job.  I don’t know if he can separate God’s love for him from God’s perceived expectations of him – which he never feels he has satisfied.

There has been continued flare-ups (of tension) between the two of us.  Right now he’s in Orlando for a conference, and I’m in Houston with Wendy.  We are both quite glad to have some time and space apart.  I’m actually nervous about spending a week on a cruise together.  He seems so frustrated with me, and he loses his patience so easily.

He actually told me that he liked me better when I was sick.

 

Hey, that’s NOT what I meant!  

During the awful times, when she was more dependent upon me, she seemed “softer.”  She was rarely bossy when she was weak.  When her energy was low she seemed to see me as heroic, and her equal.  Vic was quicker to consider my suggestions.   

When she was healthier and stronger I felt un- or under appreciated.  I didn’t feel like I was a partner – more like an administrative assistant.

I’ve wearily reread this part of Vicki’s journal and I know now that I was being “self-centered.”  I wish I had done things differently … not allowed those defensive and angry thoughts to take root in my soul.  Learn from my experience:

1.     Rarely are things the way they really are at first glance.  If you rely too heavily on first impressions when you’re in the middle of a battle with cancer, and you’re wrong, you could be in store for even bigger problems.

2.     You may think you can read someone’s mind, and comprehend that person’s motives, heart, attitude, etc., but you really can’t.  Nobody’s that smart.  You are not God or a god.

3.     There will be times when you will have feelings of being out of control.  Take it from me.  When it comes to cancer you are not in control. 

I’m comforted to know that even Mother Teresa desired to be in control of her circumstances.  For a Christ-follower there is this striking irony:  we must, at some point, voluntarily give up control of our lives.  According to Jesus, the only way to live a life that is fully satisfying requires full dependency upon God.  For most of us, we have no idea how that looks. 

For most believers, when the rubber meets the road, and the test comes to see if we meant what we sang or prayed about surrendering our will, most of us balk.  That is, most of us hesitate before completely giving in.  When God says, “It’s time to collect on that prayer of surrender.  Give Me control,” we wrestle with Him.  We were sincere when we yielded our life to God I prayer, but now that we have an idea of what His being-in-control looks or feels like, we begin to sing another song.

I should know.  I had prayed surrender prayers, but in January of 2002, I was an Indian giver.  I wanted to break the contract, and go back on my word.  I wanted to claim diminished capacity.  I wanted anything but to give God, or anyone else (Vicki) control of the significant affairs of my life.

Learn at my expense:  it’s better to give God control, from start to finish.  It won’t be easy … but you already know that.

Vicki continued,

This sense of purpose and mission that I have now is just too intense for him.  For fifteen years Lowell has been single-focused and incredibly intense about his vision from God.  I have been in the background, happy to support his calling and purpose in ministry.  I didn’t WANT to be in front of people or in the spotlight, but now I know that God spared my life for a purpose that’s far beyond my own ideas about my purpose. 

I can’t waste my time or my life!  I have my own separate calling and mission, and yet it can’t be God’s will or purpose to drive a wedge of resentment between me and Lowell.  He says he’s not jealous … but he’s certainly not being very supportive.  He often says the right things, but it seems to be more out of obligation than real interest. 

I feel nervous when I’m talking about “my ministry” around him.  I’m more comfortable speaking when he’s not there, and generally feel he’s more against me than with me.  Once, when friends were here and the conversation turned to my ministry he said, “Oh, let’s talk about YOU again!”  It hurt and surprised me.  This can’t be what God had in mind for us. 

Sometimes I feel like we’d both be better off if I had died.  I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I’d be in heaven and Lowell could do whatever he wanted with no nagging and no expectations from me.  WE would be better off, so this must not be about us. 

God has a plan that goes far beyond us, and we just need to work past our own selfish, self-protective, prideful issues and get to a place where we can put all that on the altar and put God’s will ahead of our own.  There IS a way to work together in this.  Two ARE better than one IF we have a common goal.  If our primary, overriding goal is to please god and fulfill His calling on our lives, then we should be walking in unity. 

Isn’t all division and tension caused by someone’s goals getting blocked?  So … the question seems obvious.  Whos goals are being blocked?  What is creating all this tension? 

Both of us, I suppose.  I’ve asked God to help me see myself honestly; to reveal my faults and weaknesses.  Lowell sees so many right now, and I do want to change. 

Honestly, I’m far more motivated to please God than Lowell because he has hurt me so many times lately.  But I want to look beyond my own needs and see the hurt and fear and resentment inside Lowell that is creating all this tension.  I want him to be healed inside, not just to make life easier for me, but for Lowell’s peace and happiness.  He’s so gifted and full of potential, and yet he’s so tormented by his inadequacies.  He has never been at peace with himself or with God.  I want him to know his value to God, and be able to rest in that. 

Luke 18:27 – “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”

 

Two significant things happened that spring:  Vic and I took a trip to EMERGE,[228] in Akron, Ohio, and Patricia (Pat) Reeves entered our lives.

EMERGE is a counseling center providing confidential and compassionate outpatient mental health care for Assembly of God clergy and their families.  Founded by Dr. Richard Dobbins, himself an Assemblies of God pastor, in 1976, EMERGE has its taproot in a painful chapter of Doc and Delores’ personal life.  When Dolores were expecting their first child, complications (including a Caesarean-section birth) caused her to experience severe postpartum depression.  This was during the late 1940s, a time when an intense antipathy existed between psychiatry and religion.[229]  It was out of this experience that EMERGE would eventually come into being.

Vicki and I were encouraged by my Assemblies of God district leaders to go to EMERGE for some evaluation and counseling.  It turned out to be the highlight of my seven-week break from ministry.  My counselors taught us some skills that would help us overcome major life-interrupting circumstances to come.

Pat’s friendship, however, was even more noteworthy.  She became the fourth member of a special quartet of women that deeply loved, supported and sustained Vic.

Three women - Dina Ching, Kendalle Stock, and Cheryl Orms – had been with Vic from way before the beginning of her battle with cancer.  The trio (female versions of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the biblical story of Daniel) was ready to face any fiery furnace if it meant serving Vicki and/or God.  They were battle tested, mature in faith women, and each possessed a vibrant sense of humor (and timing).  Patricia fit into this group, as God would have it, perfectly.

April 4, 2002

It’s been four months.  Where do I begin?

It’s been hard to get back to my journal … because I prefer to write about encouraging things, and I’ve been a little discouraged.

The time we were in Akron, Ohio, at Emerge was helpful and hopeful.  I’m still not sure exactly what changed in me, but Lowell heard something that gave him hope.  He has been quite different since he returned.

Dave and Julie Connolly came for two weeks right after we arrived home in Richmond, and that was a good visit.

Lowell also started taking Paxil[230], an anti-anxiety drug, and it has helped, too.  He’s very enthusiastic about Trinity again, and much kinder and warmer to me.  We’ve talked a lot, and are beginning to understand each other more.  I WANT to understand his heart, but it’s not easy.  I feel that he’s saying what he thinks I want to hear, not what he really feels.  Maybe it’s because I’ve done that for so long myself.

I’m asking God to restore my passion for His calling on my life.  I feel that God has given me a sabbatical, too, with very few invitations to speak coming in … but now it’s time to quit feeling sorry for myself and move on.  I need to focus on God.  I have felt like such a failure as a wife and as a person since October.  God is doing some “pruning and cutting,” and it hurts.  He is just beginning to restore my hope that I actually can be used for great and mighty things.  Most days I still feel very overwhelmed and confused, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m still in the tunnel, but there is light.

There was a bright spot within the last four months – February 24th, when I spoke at Word of Life Assembly of God in Springfield, Virginia.[231]  I was really dreading having Lowell there with me, but a wonderful thing happened.  Lowell was so supportive, and we ministered together around the altar to dozens of people.  It felt so right, and gave me new hope for the future.  We’ve had so many ups and downs since, but things are much better.

God has brought a wonderful encourager into my life, just when I need it.  Patricia Reeves is so full of faith and expectation.  She believes that God wants to move through her.  She feels that she is to be my helper, encourager, and prayer support.  She lifts my spirit and my faith each time we talk.  I know she is a gift from God, and His full purpose will eventually be revealed.  I’m so grateful for whatever role she will play in God’s plan for my life.

I was very burdened for Brandon yesterday.  He has been promoted to the nighttime bartender position at Kimo’s Restaurant in Lahaina, Maui.  He seems to have no interest in pursuing the plans of God for his life right now. 

God led me to Psalm 112:1,2 – “Praise the Lord.  Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commands.  His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.”

This is what I believe:  One day Brandon and Chris WILL BE MIGHTY MEN of GOD!  I believe that God has chosen them and will pursue them until His will is accomplished.  He has spoken it over their lives, and it will be so!

 

April 5, 2002

Patricia (Reeves) has encouraged me to read again “God’s Creative Power for Healing,” by Charles Capp.  He speaks of the power of speaking God’s Word and it’s role in our healing – calling things that are not as though they are; speaking God’s promises as fact, and believing them instead of “believing” what we feel and see in our body.

This is so controversial, yet God wants to teach me something.  I’m not sure what it is yet, but I’m listening.  It seems that we are comfortable believing these same principles are true and good as applied to the renewing of the mind, and bringing life and truth to the way we see ourselves in Christ.  Neil Anderson tells us to stop believing the lies of the enemy – those lies that control how we feel and think about ourselves.  We must replace those lies with the truth of God’s Word, that is, what God says is true. 

We have no problem accepting the truth that God wants to heal our minds, but we have a hard time (some are even hostile to the idea) accepting as truth God’s Word when it comes to healing for our bodies.  Could it be because speaking out healing for our minds is less risky than speaking out healing for our bodies? 

Teach me, Lord.  I need to know, not only for the healing of my own pain, but for the healing of others.

 

May 27, 2002

Brandon is coming for a visit Wednesday – for two weeks!  It’s been fifteen months since he moved away.  I can’t wait to see him!  I’m praying God will open his heart and spirit.  It’s been wonderful having Chris home.  He’ll be here all summer, working at “Passages,”[232] and then one last year at Lee University.

Lowell is much happier, and seems to genuinely love me again.  We’re talking more about the things that caused (and could still cause) tension between us.  At least HE is talking more.  Some days I feel like I still can’t do anything right (Lowell’s not making me feel that way), but God is giving me extreme grace to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  He’s dealing with my pride and old mindsets that have been deeply entrenched in my heart and mind.  Change is a slow and painful process but God’s teaching me what it means to change, and how to change.

Lowell and I went to Gatlinburg (Tennessee) with my family, to celebrate Mom and Dad’s Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary.  We had a wonderful time, and Lowell and I got along great.  The drive there and back was even pleasant – just like before.

 

Our fear of being hurt by one another was giving way to a new confidence, a confidence that we were once again on solid ground in our relationship, and that it was safe to be ourselves … our human selves.  Vicki was now confronting her pride, I was dealing with the thought patterns that led to bouts with depression, and both of us felt safe with each other again.