When You’re Tired
God Delivers Red Sweaters
34. When You’re Tired – God Delivers Red Sweaters
“Afraid lest he be caught up in a net of words, tripped up, bewildered and so defeated—thrown aside—a man hesitates to write down his innermost convictions.”[217]
Ralph Waldo Emerson, the famous essayist, philosopher, poet, and leader of the Transcendentalist movement in the early 19th century, graduated from Harvard in 1821 and later Harvard Divinity School. He emerged a Unitarian pastor in 1829. That same year he met and married Ellen Tucker, an eighteen-year-old from Concord, New Hampshire.
Sadly, Ellen died of tuberculosis at age 20. Emerson was deeply affected by her death, visited her grave daily, and once even opened her coffin to see for himself that she was still, in fact, dead. One year after Ellen’s death Emerson he quit the Unitarians because of misgivings about prayer.[218] Emerson’s experience with marriage may have led him to believe that most of us have “bad marriages.”
“We are not very much to blame for our bad marriages. We live amid hallucinations; and this especial trap is laid to trip our feet with, and all are tripped up first and last. But the mighty Mother who had been so sly with us, as if she felt that she owed us some indemnity, insinuates into the Pandora-box of marriage some deep and serious benefits, and some great joys.”[219]
Poor Ralph. We can see, from this paragraph, just how crushed he was.
Thank God, Vicki and I did not have a bad marriage. We had a passionate one – one chocked full of feeling. We were feeling people, but me more than her, and that was her cross to bear.
My personality and temperament, if it could be diagrammed, looked like the DOW-Jones in a turbulent year: ups-and-downs, “great joys and great sorrows,” soaring to great heights followed by bouts with depression.
I was told that because I was creative, imaginative and humorous I was able to inspire. I was often praised for my creative abilities, my on-stage acting skills, my preaching style, and my capacity for ingenious problem solving. But, as they say, “greatest strength, greatest weakness.” I thought I was maniac.
So did Vicki from time to time.
October 24, 2001 (continued)
Lowell seems so angry all the time. He seems to take everything I do or say in the worst possible light. I’m completely baffled why. We’ve been to Minister’s Institute in Rocky Gap, Maryland, and a ministers’ conference in Williamsburg (Virginia) since I’ve been back, and both were uncomfortable, tense times. I’m confused, hurt, angry and very guarded in my heart. I’m afraid to trust him, so I’ve withdrawn emotionally. There’s always a tension just under the surface.
Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed, and just cried a lot. I can’t even imagine how God can use our pathetic lives to accomplish the great things He has spoken to us. It’s very discouraging right now.
I woke up this morning singing, “take my hand, precious Lord, and lead me on through the storm, through the night. Lead me on through the fight.” Then I read Isaiah 41:9 and 10 – “I (God speaking) called you. I said, ‘You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’”
We’ll make it because He has chosen us. It will obviously be His strength and not ours that will accomplish it. It will be another miracle. It will have to be.
When Vicki and I got around to talking about writing this book, and she took me to her journal entries of late 2001. I pulled up my journal entries for that same time period. It was very spooky, reading her journal alongside my own.
November 10, 2001 – Lowell’s journal.
I’ve been so depressed again. I am only guessing as to its cause. I suspect that I’m frustrated that I can’t get my life back.
I want MY life back! I want to do what I want to do, and not what Vicki (or anyone else) wants me to do.
Everybody seems to have an opinion, everybody’s got ideas as to how I’m supposed to live now that Vicki has been healed. The common theme, from Vicki and most of her friends and allies, is that I’m supposed to quit pastoring and just attend to her ministry. She wants me to escort her to all her meetings. And she wants me to be enthusiastic about doing so. And she sees pastoring the people of Trinity as less important than sharing her story.
That makes me mad!
But instead of fighting back I’m just drained. I don’t have the energy. I’m seething inside, but instead of energizing me to take action – and put a stop to all the demands that Vicki is laying on me – I just roll over. And when I do, I get angrier.
Who made her God? Did God heal her so that I would stop being a pastor? Why didn’t He tell me?
I know I’m overreacting, but I don’t care.
I hate being depressed! Why does my mind do this to me? Why does my body give out?
I hear myself saying stupid things to Vicki and my staff. I nailed Brad[220] again for something he didn’t do and was supposed to do, but it was so over-the-top. What I said became the issue and not his performance.
I can’t do anything right. I can’t say anything right. Maybe I’m supposed to just roll over and give control of my life to Vicki.
I feel so guilty all the time.
Talk about guilt … When I’m sane I’m glad I got my wife back, and I’m glad God healed her. When I’m thinking right I don’t wish Vicki hadn’t been healed. But there’s this other part of me that alarms me. I hated her suffering, but I despise the way she’s using her healing to change the course of MY life!! That’s it. I feel used. She’s using me. I feel like a slave. I feel I’ve lost my life. I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I don’t count.
But that’s so stupid. I don’t have cancer.
But I do … in my heart. It’s eating away at my love for Vicki. I know now that I love myself more than anything, or anyone, including God. I guess what is being revealed right now is how selfish I am. I want to be in control. I certainly don’t want Vicki to be in control.
I feel wrong all the time. I can’t justify the way I feel. How can I justify my anger? I’m supposed to be a servant of God, so I’m supposed to give up my life for Him and for His Kingdom. What if He’s using Vicki to reveal that I’m really not interested in serving anyone but myself. Maybe that’s why I’m so angry with her … she reveals a part of me that I loathe! I’m embarrassed in front of God, and Vicki is the “instrument” that God used to reveal my true heart!!
I’m mad at God! He healed Vicki, but he didn’t change her controlling ways.
If I hear her say, “MY healing” one more time, or “MY ministry,” I’m going to puke!
So … I’m the one with the problem. That’s the way it appears to everyone, I guess. No one’s come up to me and said, “You’re an idiot.” But I feel that when people see me they can look right into my soul and see how stupid and how selfish I am. I feel naked and embarrassed. And I feel ungrateful.
I tried to explain my feelings to Vicki and she didn’t get it. Her response was, “Take it up with God. He’s the one Who healed me. He’s the one Who’s opening all the doors I’m walking through.”
Fine! Walk through them. Just don’t expect me to go along for the ride, and give up what I’ve worked for 15 years!
God, I haven’t spoken to You in so long. I’ve been giving You “the silent treatment.” So … What am I supposed to do??? I don’t want to give up my life and my ministry. I love what I’ve been doing. The people of Trinity miss having a full-time pastor. I’ve been Vicki’s right-hand-man for 3 years … THREE YEARS. I’ve been willing to do whatever it took to help her through her cancer battle. I’ve taken time to be with her, and go to every appointment. I’ve slept in the hospital. I’ve been there for her! But now that she’s okay, I want to get back to doing what I loved, before cancer invaded my life!
I feel stupid writing out that prayer.
I feel like I’m being melodramatic!! I know I’m exaggerating what I’m feeling, now that I’m writing it down. Writing has always been a great relief … but not now. This is junk. Crap.
Does God answer the prayer of a selfish man?
Does God want me to “die” to my dreams and give up my vision for Trinity?
Does God want my life to continue to revolve around Vicki?
Guilt. Pain. Ashamed. Stupid. Selfish. Distant from God. Distant from Vicki. Distant from my boys. Distant from my church. Nobody knows how I feel. I can’t tell anyone this stuff.
It’s just You and me, God … but mostly it’s just ME because You don’t approve of how I’m feeling.
I don’t care! But I do care. I’m depressed. I can’t sleep. But boy, can I eat!! I wish I’d sleep and not eat. My appearance is depressing me, too.
Back to Vicki’s journal, this time from November 29, 2001.
We’re meeting with Bob Rhoden today to get some help for Lowell and his depression. It’s been a very difficult month, and I’ve been very discouraged at times. God has invested so much in both Lowell and me, and I fear Lowell is on the verge of throwing it all away.
Jerry[221] suggested taking a 6-12 month sabbatical and doing something different for a while.
Lowell said to me, “I know what I’d do if I left the ministry; run a restaurant.” What the heck does that mean? What am I supposed to feel? I KNOW God has called us both to serve Him in ministry, and I believe He has NOT changed His mind about Trinity and Richmond.
I’m angry and fearful, yet I know that’s not from God. Anger means my goals are being blocked. Are they my goals or God’s? Is it a selfish or a righteous anger?
I told God I was tired of laying down my life; tired of being the steady, stable one. He told me that He CHOSE me to be the steady one for Lowell; He appointed me as his partner because God knew Lowell would need me in order to accomplish what He had called him to do. If I couldn’t do it for Lowell, then I was to do it for God.
I can’t give up. Jesus didn’t. He was misunderstood, disrespected, despised, denied and criticized by His own creation. He persevered because of the goal set before Him. (Hebrews 10:35-36 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”) I have to believe that Lowell will come through this – ONE more time. The same God who was able to heal me of cancer can also heal Lowell’s broken emotions. We’re so desperately needing God to speak through Bob today and give us some direction to go in.
God has never failed us yet. He will come through for us today!
Vicki finished with,
Remember 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 and St. John 15:1-11
Douglas Welsh wrote, “Proper pruning enhances the beauty of almost any landscape tree and shrub, while improper pruning can ruin or greatly reduce its landscape potential. In most cases, it is better not to prune than to do it incorrectly.” And, “Pruning, like any other skill, requires knowing what you are doing to achieve success. The old idea that anyone with a chain saw or a pruning saw can be a landscape pruner is far from the truth.”[222]
Some serious pruning was about to take place in our lives. Vicki and I still had dead things, and deadly things, still remained in our lives. In St. John, chapter 15, Jesus talks about you and me, and He describes God, the Father, as being the Expert Horticulturalist.
Jesus said, “I am the true vine, and My Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in Me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful … Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in Me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned … This is to My Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be My disciples. As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Now remain in My love … This is My command: Love each other.”[223]
You’ll never experience God’s deepest love until you’re smack dab in the middle of a crisis, one you can’t deal with on your own. You’ve got to be over your head. If you’re a Christ follower, in the midst of the crisis God starts cutting away stuff that is dying or already dead so that, after you recover from the ordeal, you’ll be stronger than ever, and better suited to face the next crisis.
Vicki and I were about to learn more about God’s love as He revealed more of our dead and dying fleshliness.
December 4, 2001
Bob was great and very supportive of Lowell needing rest and refreshing. We’re having a congregational meeting next Sunday to inform Trinity that Lowell is taking a break – a sabbatical. Lowell has been more hopeful and in better spirits.
I’ve been guarded, tired and sad. I’m not finding it so easy to “die to self” this time. You’d think these things would get easier! I think I’ve been indulging in a little self-pity, and I’m just not ready to move on yet. I realize that I feel I deserve a break from testing and trials for a while. After Lowell’s depression, Brandon’s rebellion, then my cancer – I feel I’ve earned a break … maybe a reward! I’ve been a good girl, and now it’s time for a vacation!
Actually I’ve had a wonderful eight months of basking in the glow of my healing. I just wasn’t expecting another major crisis.
Are Lowell and I so dense and self-centered that we need yet another crisis to turn our hearts toward God? Or could it be that the time is short, and God doesn’t have the luxury of letting two of His servants rest too long?
We’ve made ourselves available to Him, and perhaps He needs to turn up the heat, shorten the learning curve, so that He can accomplish His purposes quicker. He needs to teach Lowell to rest in the midst of ministry to the masses because He’s getting ready to bring them to us, or us to them.
In Mark 6:30-34 Jesus invited The Twelve (Disciples) to “Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest,” but the masses followed them, and before they could rest Jesus “had compassion on them,” and ministered to the people. The Disciples had little rest because the time was so short.
We want God to expand our ministry and influence, and yet we are overwhelmed with the little demands of it now (in comparison to what it could be later)! God has to teach Lowell how to cope with the pressure of ministry, and how to find his rest and strength in God.
If we keep listening, God will keep teaching.
[I have this picture of our ministry as being like a mountain, with a dirt road going around its base.] God has to keep taking us around the mountain until we get it – until we understand what ministry is all about! Sure hope it’s soon!
I see us riding around the mountain in a car whose wheels are set deeply into ruts. We’re comfortable riding along in the ruts because it takes little effort. We’ve passed this way many times and are familiar with the sights, sounds and feel of it.
Occasionally the wind of the Spirit will gust and lift us momentarily above the ruts. We feel the rush and excitement of weightlessness as we are carried along by the Spirit’s wind. Our view changes slightly, and we are inspired by the possibilities of what lies beyond the next turn. Along with the excitement of new views comes a little fear of the unknown.
Then, as quickly and unexpectedly as it came the “wind” dies down, and we find ourselves riding along once again in our old ruts. We feel safer in our ruts – and we relax again.
But we remember the excitement the wind of the Spirit brought us, and part of us longs to fly again. We’ve heard the view from the mountain top is breathtaking, but we wonder if we’ll ever find the wind current that will take us there.
We know the wind has to come from the heavens - this “breath of the Father” that gives us wings and then fills our wings. We wait and watch and continue around the mountain.
The wind seems so still today.
My ups and downs were wearing Vicki out.
About a week later the relief she hoped for came at a women’s luncheon. On December 10, 2001 she wrote,
[Once again] I am completely overwhelmed by the grace and love of God. Yesterday I received a gift directly from Him at the Women Of the Word (WOW) Christmas luncheon.
[Let me begin by saying that] three weeks ago I went to a church bazaar with Donna LaRocca and Anne Wilson where I saw a sweater that I fell in love with. However, I was SO disappointed when I saw its price. $375! I put it back, of course! But I couldn’t get it out of my head.
Donna was awakened the next morning around 4:30 by God telling her, “I want you to buy that sweater for Vicki.” She argued, saying Tony (her husband) would tell her she was crazy. But God insisted. He also told her to tell me, “I think Vicki is beautiful. I am pleased with her, and I love her.”
Donna [secretly] shared all this with the WOW group, and they collected the money. She then tracked down the owner of the shop. The owner gave her a discount!
I’m so overwhelmed and amazed that God would give me such an extravagant gift. The fact that moves me to tears is that He is PLEASED with me. My heart’s cry has been to bring a smile to the face of God by my obedience and love for Him. I can just picture Him pausing in heaven the moment I opened the gift box and saying to Jesus and the angels, “Hey, watch this!” I know He must have smiled at my amazed response.
I know that no one knew how much I loved that sweater – not even Lowell. I couldn’t imagine how they found out. I still can hardly imagine it! A gift from the heart of God – A RED SWEATER.
God knew Vic needed some reassuring … something that would say to her, “I know how tough things are, so I have a little gift for you.” But He also had to take Vicki to her breaking point.
God never wants us irreparably damaged by our circumstances, but He must prune away the dead things if we hope to experience abundant life … and being pruned, even if its lovingly and expertly done, is never fun. Or easy.
