Love Letters
29. Love Letters
“[T]here [is] no Rule in the World to be made for writing Letters, but that of being as near what you speak Face to Face as you can; which is so great a Truth, that I am of Opinion Writing has lost more Mistresses than any one Mistake in the whole Legend of Love. For when you write to a Lady for whom you have a solid and honourable Passion, the great Idea you have of her, joined to a quick Sense of her Absence, fills your Mind with a Sort of Tenderness, that gives your Language too much the Air of Complaint, which is seldom successful.”[184]
Uncertainty. It seems to be one of the constants in the life of a person with cancer. It exists in the hearts of all who love the cancer patient, too. We are uncertain about outcomes; uncertainly becomes a companion to both the patient and their supporters.
Uncertainties about outcomes affect the medical community, too, even in this day of phenomenal scientific advancements and the growing list of hopeful treatment options. Doctors are not only hesitant about guaranteeing results but decidedly opposed to doing so. Dr. Jones had informed me that he and his colleagues no longer gave patients and their families “percentages.” Doctors were notorious for saying things like, “There’s a 10% chance the patient will live for six months,” or “We believe there’s a 50/50 chance for a cure.” No more.
These days, being wrong opens the door to too many unnecessary complications. Some are legal, and then there’s the emotional impact these kinds of predictions can have.
Vicki wanted to KNOW the outcome, but she realized God wasn’t going to tell her anything, and the doctors wouldn’t, even if they had an opinion. Still, her confidence in God remained high. It was her self-confidence that was shaken.
The mass growing in her body made her look 7 months pregnant. There was always a dull ache in her back. It was painful to turn, sit, sleep or walk. Vic hated surgery, but she wanted her body back. She said, “I’ll risk some short term pain for a good, long term pain reprieve.”
January 24, 2001
Two more days till my surgery. Friday holds so many possibilities – both hopes and fears. Will this be the culmination of all our prayers? Will this prove to be THE miracle … or only another piece in the puzzle? Is God ready to end this chapter in my cancer journey, or is there more to come?
So many people have been praying for me and they are trusting God for my healing. I am trusting God for my healing, but I’m also more aware than ever that I don’t know the mind of God on this.
My biggest prayer lately has been from Philippians 1:20-21 – “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
I am torn, like Paul. I have a longing to be with Christ but I also have a desire to stay here to see the joy my healing would bring to everyone. I long to share God’s goodness and mercy with everyone I meet and see many come to know Him through my testimony.
I know that Lowell and Trinity would make it without me, but I want to be a part of what God is going to do in Richmond.
Nevertheless, not my will, but His be done. I know His purposes will prevail, and He will win this battle and Satan will be defeated, whether in my life or my death.
Lowell, Brandon, and Chris,
I love you more than my own life, and I have loved being a wife and a mother. You have brought so much joy to my life. If the unexpected should happen and I precede you to heaven, know that my faith in the goodness of God never wavered, and I will be waiting with a big smile on my face for you to join me.
Mother Teresa once said, “I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” After I found and read a letter addressed to me from Vicki, dated January 25th, I thought, “This is not only from Vicki but from God Himself.”
Dearest Lowell,
If you’re reading this after my surgery without me by your side, it’s only because God took me home earlier than we prayed, hoped, or imagined.
I keep thinking about the significant dates that are right around the corner. February 11th is the anniversary of our first date, and it’s Brandon’s birthday. I was thinking about Valentine’s Day, too. I remember the card you gave me just three days after our first date. Your signed it “Lowell Qualls,” as if there was another Lowell in my life and you didn’t want me to be confused. Ha! I’ll never forget what that card said, “There is a silence born of love that expresses everything.” Wow! Love, only three days after our first date! What were you thinking when you bought that card?
I really do have an assurance that God is going to heal me, but doubt keeps crowding into my heart because I think about Mike and Audrey. I wish I could stay “up” all the time, but that’s not happening … plus you know how much I’ve come to HATE surgery! I’m dreading the nausea afterwards … so I am focused on “after,” too. I feel so crazy – up and down and up and down. Thanks for letting me talk about it without making me feel stupid (most of the time). I forgive you, by the way, for being impatient with me yesterday. I’m sorry, too. We should have never talked about MONEY when we have all this stress hanging over us. (Most of our friends would never understand this letter because they all think I’m “super-woman.” You know better. Don’t show this to Kendalle and Dina and Cheryl!! That would blow my image. Ha!)
So … just in case I’m totally wrong, and God says, “No” like He did with Mike, here’s some things I want you to know.
1) You are the best friend I’ve ever had. I trust you completely with my heart and with my body. You’ve always honored me and made me feel beautiful and loved, even when I felt ugly and unlovely. Thank you, so much, for our friendship.
2) I’ve never been able to talk to ANYONE like I talk to you. Not one single girlfriend. You’ve been really patient has I’ve “discovered my voice.” Thanks for listening to me, and letting me talk my way around the big things in our life (like Fishnet, Brandon and Chris, money stuff, etc.).
3) I’m so proud of you. I don’t say that enough. I love being on your arm when we go out on dates. And I’m really proud to be your wife when you are preaching (until you start using me as an illustration!! Ha!). You are my pastor. I’ve grown so much spiritually with you … and you’ve been a patient teacher.
4) I’m sorry for hurting your feelings with my critical mouth. I hope you remember all the great things I’ve said to you, and you’re able to forget the bad stuff. Please forgive me? (By the way, I know I’m supposed to ASK for forgiveness … I just don’t like to.)
5) Please pray for our boys every day. I’ve done that, and you’ve been pretty faithful to do the same … but you need to be more consistent. It’s one thing for your parents to pray for them, but it’s better when their own mom and dad pray for them, don’t you think? So, remember Brandon and Chris every day … and remember to pray for “their wives.” (I don’t want to miss their weddings and babies. Please introduce me to their wives and children. Maybe you can go through all my journals and writings (only the good parts!!!) and use those things to help them know me.)
6) You are my Valentine! By the way, I think about our love life a lot, and how this stupid tumor has messed things up for us. I want to be completely healed so much, so we can make love again with no fear. You’ve been so wonderful. You turn me on!!
7) Believe God for healing, even if He doesn’t choose to heal me. I know you took Mike’s death just as hard as I did, but don’t let disappointment rob you of the calling God has placed on your life. By the way (Pastor!), God doesn’t expect YOU to heal anyone! (Sounds like something you’d say, right?) He only expects you to follow Him wherever He leads you, and do what He wants you to do. Leave the results up to HIM!
8) Please remember this: My mother really does love you. You know daddy does, but my mother does, too. In fact, I know she feels God brought you into her life as much as into my life (well … she’s never said that, but I think that’s how she feels sometimes). You’ve been good about listening to her. If I die she’ll probably not talk to daddy enough. Maybe Wendy … Anyway, please help my mom if you can. I’m more worried about her than anyone.
9) Please reach out to Gary. I think that if I die Gary will probably not want to come to Jesus. Tell him this for me: “Gary, I don’t want you to miss heaven! Come see me!” Seriously, I think he’ll talk to you before he’ll talk to anyone.
I could write on and on. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about YOU (and not just me) before the surgery. Dear Lord, bless my husband! Surround him with Your love because I won’t be there to love on him. And let him know that he was the best gift You ever gave me!!!
I love you, Lowell.
Your Princess!!
