Dancing Dynamics

26.  Dancing Dynamics[165]

 

“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.”[166]

 

“The more things change, the more they remain... insane.”[167]

 

“The main dangers in this life are the people who want to

change everything - or nothing.”[168]

 

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change

the outer aspects of their lives.”[169]

 

“Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity.”[170]

 

 

In ballroom dancing a step is defined as “… a change of weight from one foot to the other.” 

Oh, if dancing through life were only that simple … just one foot in front of the other!

Dancing the Dance of Life is much simpler when only one person is concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, but dancing with another person has its advantages.  If one falls down the other can pick them up. 

Dancing solo has its advantages, too.  Vicki felt she needed to slow down, and take a few steps on her own. 

November 15 and 17, 2000

I became absolutely desperate today to hear from God and stop vacillating over what I’m supposed to do.  I’m listening to too many voices – Michael Brown, Linda (a nutritionist and dear friend from Texas), Lowell, and all the other well-meaning people with their thoughts on what direction I should go next.

I keep going back to the same questions again and again.  Do I trust only God for my future, or do I pursue another treatment method (this time, alternative)?

It can’t be this hard to hear God’s voice!  I REALIZE I’VE ONLY BEEN ARGUING WITH MYSELF.  I’M SO AFRAID I’LL MAKE A MISTAKE THAT I CAN’T MAKE A DECISION AND STICK WITH IT!

I told God I was determined to hear from Him and come to a decision today.  He led me to Psalm 84:5 and 6:  “Blessed are those whose strength is in You (God), who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.  As they pass through the Valley of Baca[171], they will make it a place of springs.”

I felt God was telling me to trust in Him while I’m on this journey of tears, and HE will make good things come out of my weeping and my sorrow.  This is more about MY attitude than anything else.

God has led me back to Psalm 71 and 2 Chronicles 20.  This time (when I read those texts again) there seems to be only one way to take it:  “The battle is not yours, but God’s,” and “You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your position; STAND FIRM and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”

I am the poster girl for double-mindedness!  James 1:2-8 describes me to a “T” when I become afraid, and lose sight of God, and forget what He has said to me.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Okay, Lord.  I hear you … again!  I am not supposed to fight this battle.  I’m supposed to trust You alone. 

God had already spoken to me – to wait on Him and trust in Him, but I was afraid.  I repented of my fears and my double-mindedness, and committed myself to Him again.

Lowell prayed a powerful prayer for my healing today.  I was resting in bed at 5:00 PM when Lowell came in and said, “I know I’m supposed to pray for you right now, and the Lord told me HOW to pray.”  Lowell reminded me that when Jesus was preparing for ministry He would usually get alone with His Father and pray.  Lowell believes that that was when the Father would tell Jesus what He would face the next day in the next village, and the Father would tell His Son just how He wanted things to happen.[172]  (Jesus said, “What you see Me doing is what the Father has told Me.”)  Lowell also retold me the story of Jesus going into the city of Jerusalem one day, when He and His disciples came upon a fig tree that had no figs.  Jesus cursed the tree, and it had withered “from the ground up.”[173]

Lowell said, “Vicki, I’m supposed to speak to the tumor, as if it was that fig tree that Jesus cursed.”  He then laid his hands on my abdomen where the tumor was protruding and began saying what God had earlier told Him to say.  It didn’t sound like a formulaic prayer … something he learned at a seminar or read in a book.  The prayer sounded like nothing I had ever heard Lowell pray before.  It was speaking back to God what God had said He would honor and say, “Yes,” to.

Lowell has never prayed for ME like he did today … ever.  I’ve never heard him pray for ANYONE like that, as a matter of fact.

After the prayer, which lasted about three minutes, Lowell laid down next to me and held me for a long time.  There were a lot of tears.  But instead of the sorrowful tears I had been crying for days and days, we both said later that they were “tears of relief.”  Like something had broken loose … like something had happened, and we had turned a corner.  Wow!   I’m holding onto this moment for my healing. 

God is so amazing!  At church tonight Murray (Davis) spoke on trusting God alone, and not feeling like we have to attach our efforts to the solution.  He even used 2 Chronicles 20 as his text.

Lowell and I looked at each other at the time and laughed, and then we both cried.  We were overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness to confirm what He had spoken to me just hours earlier.

I have such deep peace – that God is going to heal me in a way that will give Him all the glory.  (Exodus 14:13 and 14 says, “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

 

While Vicki was battling the cancer she wasn’t oblivious to what was going on around her.  She was especially concerned for Brandon on this particular day.  New dynamics were in play, and more heart-change was in the offing.

November 18, 2000

Brandon is falling further and further away from God, and it hurts to watch.  He’s in and out of crisis.  He lives with us, and he’s working for Mark T., but he’s never home.  He spends most of his nights away, and hasn’t been to church in a long time (even though he’s promised he would be there).  The stress is weakening.  We don’t know what his future is, but we do know he needs to wake up and get back on track with God. 

I really don’t understand how this could have happened.  It was just a few months ago that we were watching Brandon minister to the children and youth of Liverpool (England), and he seemed so happy and fulfilled.  But his return to Richmond has been disconcerting.  Is he getting back into the things that once controlled his life?  Cocaine?  Marijuana?  Drinking? 

All we can do is place him back into God’s merciful hands.  We believe that God has His loving hands on Brandon, and will never let him go.  Sometimes I fear for his future, and his ministry, but that shouldn’t be my concern.  God loves Brandon so much, and He knows just what it is that’s affecting my son.  I have to let go and let God do what He will do.  I have to trust God, not only for myself, but also for Lowell, Brandon and Chris. 

Lowell’s has fun referring to me as “Holy Spirit #2,” but there are times when I feel God can’t do what He wants to do without me, so Lowell’s “fun” has a bit of a bite to it.  It’s the truth that hurts, really.

This really is a fault of mine – I try to figure things out for God, and tell Him how to run the universe.  I set myself up for disappointment, as Lowell tells me often, because I spend a lot of time thinking about a situation until I feel I have a solution.  Then, I tell God that’s how things should work out.  And then … when things don’t work out, I get upset WITH GOD!

Why do I do that?  Why do I say things in such a confident way?  Why do I believe that I have the answers to everyone’s problems?

Pride.  Stinkin’ pride.

I don’t just “get ahead of God” with my imagination, but I truly believe things have to work out the way I think they should work out.  If people (Lowell, the boys, my friends, the ladies) would just listen to me, I could find a solution for everything.  In the meantime, I can’t even figure things out for myself!  Up.  Down.  Like that kids’ song, “When I’m up, I’m up, and when I’m down, I’m down.  So when I’m only half way up I’m neither up nor down.”  (Just confused, and confusing to the people around me.)

Lord, I really want to change.  My pridefulness is creating tension/stress between me and Lowell … and me and You.  Forgive me for telling You how to do Your business.  And help me to lay off of Lowell and the boys, especially Brandon.  Heal Brandon’s heart, Lord.  He’s broken-hearted about something.  Something happened in Liverpool that’s eating him alive.  Please heal him.  Amen.

 

On the Monday preceding Vicki’s forty-seventh birthday, five days in advance of the big day, she had a surprise for me.  I came home that afternoon to a beaming woman!  Vic’s grin was one of those big ones – one of those smiles that seem to stretch from one ear to the other.  I had left her just six hours before.  We had shared our morning coffee, prayed together, and then I had given her a birthday card.  It was a really good card!  When I saw the smile that greeted me in the afternoon I thought it was coming from a combination of things – her reflections on that special card throughout the day coupled with seeing the huge bouquet of flowers I had brought to the door.

It wasn’t long before we were in the family room, and it was there that Vicki told me, “I’ve got some great news.”  She opened her journal and read this entry:

November 20, 2000

God again confirmed in my spirit that He is going to heal me.  If He gave me 2 Chronicles 20 as a promise for me, then it can only mean one thing.  If God is going to “deliver me” and destroy the enemy, it can only result in my healing.  If God wins, Satan loses!  The end result would have to be my healing … and not my death!

 

After so many up-and-down days, this news was so welcomed!  I believed her.  I wanted to believe her.  I needed to believe her.

Her news supported and affirmed what we had prayed just days before, in great faith. 

What Vicki shared with me that afternoon trumped the surprise I would give her just two days later.