The Great Refusal

Dancing With The Healer

 

25.  The Great Refusal

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”[158]

 

“Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the

occurrence of the improbable.”[159]

 

“My heart does not always sing out in praise,

for it is often choked with disappointment.”[160]

 

Two months went by … days filled with physical pain, experimental treatments, juicing,[161] and spiritual exercises.

Steve Fry once prayed, “Lord, my heart does not always sing out in praise, for it is often choked with disappointment.  My heart is not always tender to Your overtures of love because it is often hardened by angers big and small.  My heart is not always turned toward You, for I fear that to really embrace You is to see not Your glory, but my destitution.”

I put the book down, prayed Fry’s prayer as if it were my own, and wrote, September 4, 2000, Lowell’s Journal:

Two disappointments come to mind when I speak this prayer:  the disappointment that the vision You gave me for Trinity hasn’t come to pass yet, and that Vicki has cancer. 

I tell everyone that disappointments come from unrealized expectations, and that is certainly the case with me.  I am angry, all the time, because I feel so out of control.  My self-interests war within me.  I cannot summon the energy to fight off my selfishness or self-centeredness.  I am angry at Vicki because she picks at me, and accuses me of not having enough faith. 

Mostly I am angry with You, God!  You are in control.  I am reminded of that in songs and testimonies … and because You are in control, I am not successful in my own eyes, and it seems in Vicki’s opinion.

I know that my “stinkin’ thinkin’” is the issue here.  It is me.  My dreams are blocked, I don’t trust You – that “Oh wretched man that I am” part of me condemns me.  I hate the “dying to self” process.  I want to live!  I want Vicki to live!  I want what I dreamed of to be fulfilled! 

I hate what I do to Vicki … and I hate what I’m doing to Trinity – making them wait for the realization of the vision I “sold” them on, knowing that it is not being fulfilled because I’m not with the program.

Knowing that the old me has to die so that a new me – the ME You desire can take its place – isn’t helping.  “Knowing” and “allowing” are not the same.

You scare me.  Have I ever known You?  Can I ever know You?

Cancer is devouring Vicki, yes.  But there seems to be a cancer in me, too.  I long for change, but I want to change without any more pain.  Is that possible? 

Oh, God … just how are You going to put to death the “ME” that is frustrating Your plans.  If it’s up to me, You know better than anyone how unreliable I’ve been in the past.

 

I thought I was being was pretty successful, keeping this inward battle between God and myself a secret.  But Vicki knew something was up.  She was alarmed by the growing tension in my voice.  She was consistently caught off guard by my reaction to small problems or her innocent comments.

 

During these two months she was also caught off guard, time and again, by the intolerance people who espoused a philosophy of “choice,” freedom of thought, and diversity of opinion when all the while there was no room for Christianity in the discussion of treatments.  Maybe you’ll find, as she did, that in a supposedly pluralistic society such as ours, certain beliefs are insufferable.  

It turned out that her belief in Jesus was “too narrow” or “ignorant” for several people she encountered during her cancer journey, but never more profoundly than at a New Age healing clinic in Washington, D.C.

October 25, 2000

It’s been too long since I’ve written!

Just to catch up:  The D.C. clinic lasted about a month.  I decided it was too weird.  They were really plugged into Buddhism (with a little statue of the Buddha in their waiting room), and they espoused their New Age philosophies every chance they could.  They were “intolerant” of my faith in Jesus, and often challenged how narrow the way to heaven was if people believed in Him.  That made me think of what Jesus said about Himself:  (Luke 13:22-30)   ”Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as He made His way to Jerusalem.  Someone asked Him, ‘Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?’

“He said to them, ‘Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to.  Once the Owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, “Sir, open the door for us.”  But He will answer, “I don’t know you or where you come from.”

“‘Then you will say, “We ate and drank with you (Communion?), and You taught in our streets. (We knew about You?)”  But He will reply, “I don’t know you or where you come from.  Away from Me, all you evildoers! … There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out.’”

After two months of chemo, I had another CAT scan on October 5th.  On October 10th Dr. Jones told us the tumor had grown by 50%, and we need to choose another chemo.  He recommended Taxol[162] weekly, but he conceded that it, along with the others suggested, only had an 8-15% response rate.  (Dr. Jones said it’s just a matter of taking time to go down the list of possibilities until we find a drug that produces a response.)

There’s no hope for a cure, medically.  Lowell and I were sent home to think about what we should do, and pray.

 

We were at a crossroad.  There was no cure.  Chemo would be “palliative.”[163]  In just minutes we found ourselves talking about “quality of life.”  The tumor had grown to the size of a 6” submarine sandwich roll. 

At the end of the October 10th appointment I took Dr. Jones aside while Vicki was chatting with his office staff and asked him, “You’ve got to tell me … is Vicki dying?”

“Yes,” he confirmed.

“How much time does she have?” I asked, and he replied, “I don’t give time estimates anymore.  I’ve learned that if someone dies before I predicted they would, I’m in trouble with the family, and if they live on after I predicted they would die, I’m in trouble because I created a dark cloud over their lives … so … I don’t make predictions anymore.”

My brain was racing.  I had heard through the grapevine that Vicki had described her ideal vacation as “going to Hawaii when the whales are there.”  We had been to Maui numerous times, but never when the humpbacks were there giving birth.

“Can she travel, doc?  I mean, can she fly?  Would the seatbelt hurt her?  Vicki’s favorite place in the world is Maui, and if she can travel, I want to take her there before she dies.” I explained.

Dr. Jones looked me in the eyes and said, “Yeah, she can travel.  Make plans to do so as soon as you can, Lowell.”

I didn’t tell anyone what Dr. Jones had said to me.  I just began searching all the flight options.  No matter what, I was going to take Vicki to Maui.

 

Vicki added these words to the October 25th entry, and resolved to trust God alone.

After a week, and several times of intense prayer, I feel that God is saying it’s time to put my trust in Him … and Him alone.  We’ve tried man’s best, and it wasn’t enough.  Man’s best failed.

God has continued to give me and Lowell a wonderful peace through all of this.  Dave Connolly[164] arrived the day we got the bad news and stayed for a week.  It was a real blessing to have him here, and a real encouragement.

I feel I should refuse any further chemo, and trust God with my life.

 

Let those words sink in.

These were not words of resignation or despair, but words of faith.  Not faith in Taxol or juicing, but faith in the One who formed Vicki in her mother’s womb.  She went on to say,

God has my days numbered, and He sees my faith.  I told Him again that I trust Him completely, and I know He can heal me.  I still believe He will.  And He will heal me in His perfect time.  If He wants me to carry this cancer around in my body for a while, then He will have to give me the strength to glorify Him with my life. 

My ultimate goal now is that I am able to glorify Him and increase His Kingdom.  If extending my life will do that best, then I’m sure He’ll do it.  BUT IF MY DEATH can somehow glorify Him more, then I release Him to take me home … NOT THAT HE NEEDS MY PERMISSION!

In the beginning I felt sure He’d have to give me a long, full life because Lowell would never make it without me!  Ha!  But Lowell’s doing so well, and God is giving him such wonderful strength …  I know he’ll be just fine. 

I guess God will have to have a better reason to keep me around.

I want my faith to be so strong that I can keep my eyes on God and His promises … no matter how much pain I’m in or how hopeless things may look.  God always comes through at just the right time for His purposes, and I told Him I’d wait.

“Don’t doubt in the darkness what God you in the sunlight.”

It’s mostly sunlight now.  I’ve been pretty uncomfortable at times this past week.  I don’t like taking narcotic pain pills 24 hours a day.  I’m trying to skip one here and there, but I really feel it.  I know it will get much worse if my healing is delayed.  I only thank God for each day that I can live life to its fullest.  I need to make the most of every day.

Great news!  Sammie Winstead was born again on Monday, October 16th.  She said it all began when she listened to my testimony tape (July 30th).  Praise God! 

My prayer:  Gary next, Lord!

Oh!  And Tina Rochelle, my message therapist, came to the Lord while one the phone with me on Wednesday, October 18th!  Our relationship came out of this cancer.  I think this is only the beginning!

 

November 1, 2000

Why have I been so confused lately?  I’ve let the pain, fears, doubts get me down.  I’m listening to Dr. Michael Brown’s tapes on healing, and I realize I don’t know what I believe about healing.  Is it always God’s desire and will to heal (as Dr. Brown says), or is Lowell right – that we can’t spout formulas and expect God not to have an opinion (or His will) in each situation. 

Question:  How do I know if God is really speaking to me through His Word … or am I reading into it what I want to hear in order to give me hope? 

One minute I’m sure God intends to heal me, and the next minute I don’t feel sure about anything.

Lowell says that I may have entered into “the dark night of the soul,” a time when a believer’s faith is tested at the deepest level, and that I just have to work things out between me and God.  (Lowell wishes he could work things out for me, but that’s not possible.  My faith … my relationship … is between me and God, and not through Lowell.  Lowell can support me, listen to me, pray with me and for me, encourage me, love me, kiss me, hold me … but he can’t help me when it comes to my personal relationship with God.)

God … I desperately want to come out of this with great faith!  But I want my faith to be in YOU, and not in my ability to quote Your Word.  I don’t want my faith to be in a teacher or writer, like Mike Brown, Smith Wigglesworth, and any other human being, no matter how spiritual they may be.

The verse at the top of this page is my hope tonight.  [At the top of the journal page was a reference from Matthew 7:7 – Jesus speaking:  “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”]

Oh God, You’ve promised that if I ask, seek and knock I will find Your will.  Help me, Lord, to have ears to hear!

 

Up, down, up, down … that’s what battling cancer and our spiritual journeys are like in a nutshell. 

Vicki’s “dark night” was about to go darker still, but first she had a wonderful visit with her sister:

November 11, 2000

I’m in Houston with Wendy for ten days.  Jack is 8 months and such a delight.  This has been a wonderful break from reality, and a refreshing time, both with Wendy and the Lord.

I received word a few days before I left (November 4th) that Mike Barclay [a man in our church] has advanced stomach and bone cancer, and that he’s been given three to six months to live.

So many emotions inside!  Fear, confusion, then anger … and finally peace.  I was awake from 3 to 5:30 AM, praying and reading the Bible; also listening to Michael Brown’s tapes. 

God is stirring up an anger towards Satan in me, and a confidence that God has a plan He is working in our church – Trinity.  I know that compassion for the lost and the sick is crucial to God flowing through someone in healing power.  I believe He’s growing compassion and DESPERATION in all of us at Trinity.  Hopefully, this will stir up the ones who have been lagging behind, safe within their “complacency bubble.”

How can any of us be complacent when people are literally dying around us? 

I believe Mike’s cancer battle will be used to stir up our faith in God, and we will see Mike healed and God’s name glorified.

I’ve been praying especially for Lowell, that his faith would be fanned into flame like never before; that God would light a fire in him that would burn so brightly that all who see his life will have their faith ignited.  I sense that the time is drawing near for God to begin moving through Lowell in signs and wonders as He promised.  As with Abraham, when God has accomplished our character development, then He is free to fulfill His promises to us.  God has said it, and He will accomplish it.  Let it begin with Mike!