Cancer and Hope

24.  Cancer and Hope

 

“He [has] given us an incredible message of hope and life [to share with the whole world] … and we choose to pretend that He isn’t talking to us. 

“I have thought so often about how many of you are praying for me, with so much passion.  You’ve been telling me that you don’t let a day go by that you just don’t cry out to God, and even beg Him to heal me, and beg Him to spare my life.  And please don’t misunderstand me when I say, I love your prayers.  I love the way you love me, and I love all the prayers that you’re sending up to the throne room of God on my behalf …  but when was the last time that you prayed, with that kind of passion, for your lost neighbors or your lost friends at work?”

 

Vicki Qualls, the morning of July 30, 2000,

speaking at Trinity Assembly of God;

CD - “I Have Cancer and Hope!”

 

In The Scarlet Letter two characters came to the fore.  Dr. Roger Chillingworth was a dark and mysterious man, now known as the only medical “doctor” in the Puritan colony where Nathaniel Hawthorne set his story of the adulterous Hester Prynne.  Chillingworth possessed great skill at diagnosing the sicknesses of 17th Century man. 

In the story The Reverend Mr. Dimmesdale, a young clergyman, was dying from some unknown malady.

With that information you can now appreciate what Hawthorne wrote:  “After a time, at a hint from Roger Chillingworth, the friends of Mr. Dimmesdale effected an arrangement by which the two were lodged in the same house; so that every ebb and flow of the minister’s life-tide might pass under the eye of his anxious and attached physician.”

Can you imagine what it’s like to have everything you do observed, scrutinized, or criticized?  Can you imagine having a Dr. Chillingworth living with you, analyzing your every move, and raising an eyebrow anytime you did something new, unusual, or stupid?

Everyone was watching Vicki.  She felt as if she was living “under a microscope” all the time.  She felt like people were evaluating her every move … her every decision … so she would take polls about treatment options.  But even when she got a consensus she began to consistently second-guess her decisions.

Dr. Chip Jones had become a close and trusted friend.  He was so supportive any time Vicki and I brought up a question.  He had seen it all before, heard it all before.  He knew how self-conscious Vicki was becoming, and why.  The “everyone is watching me” thing is usually part of the battling cancer scene.  He was a good listener.

June 1, 2000

We told Dr. Jones I wanted to try super-nutrition/detoxification for two months and then have a CAT scan … and he absolutely blew us away by being so supportive!  He seemed to think it was a great idea and agreed to notify my [supervisor at the bank] that I couldn’t return to work yet.  He offered to give me blood tests or anything else I needed during this time. 

We’re even more sure than ever that God is leading me to [the nutrition option] instead of chemo, at least for now.  We do feel, however, that my healing will not come from super-nutrition, detox, chemo, or anything else.  Things may even continue to get worse, but God is going to be in control, and in the end He will receive all the glory for whatever happens.

God spoke to Lowell this morning that when we come to the end of the nutrition … AND IT HASN’T WORKED … then God will step in.  It’s scary, but exciting!  We have to keep our eyes on Him and His promises to make it through this.

 

When Vicki brought up the possibility of super-nutrition, I was all for it.  I hated the idea of chemo, so any alternative that looked promising was on my radar.  When she searched the Internet and found reams of support for giving her body the nutritional tools it needed to build up the immune system and fight the disease naturally, I was convinced.  I was for it.  I didn’t understand it all, but I was for it.

You can’t imagine my feelings when, on the morning of June 1st, this thought dropped out of nowhere into my heart:  “It’s not supposed to work.”  I said out loud, “What’s not supposed to work?”  And then I “knew.”  I can’t explain it, but I knew that God did not intend for anything – chemo or super nutrition … anything … to heal Vic.  And soon, Vicki knew, too.

June 26, 2000

The test of our faith is beginning.  Saturday, I felt a very large mass in my right lower abdomen.  I knew the tumor had grown back very quickly.

At first, I felt panicky and fearful, and I had to ask myself if I really trusted God and the promises He had made.  I realized I had begun to put my hope and trust in the nutritional path I was taking.  My confidence had been growing in man’s wisdom.  I felt I had done my homework well, that I had a pretty good understanding of how God had created our bodies to work, and that I had chosen the best, natural means to fight off this disease.  It made sense to me that super-nutrition/detoxification should work.  It had worked for so many others … but now it appears that it isn’t working for me! 

It was a fearful time, and a time of reevaluating my faith.

Then … God came through, as He always does.  He spoke to me through His Word on Sunday morning.  Lowell asked us to turn to 2 Chronicles 7, but on my way there my eyes fell on chapter 20.  That’s where a great army was coming against King Jehoshaphat and the people of Israel.  They were praying to God:

12 … “For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us.  We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”  13 All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the LORD.

14 Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel … as he stood in the assembly.  15 He said:  “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem!  This is what the LORD says to you:  ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God’s …

17 “You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged …”

It goes on to say that as they sang praises to the Lord for His unfailing love, the Lord caused the enemy TO TURN ON ITSELF, and IT WAS COMPLETELY DESTROYED, WITH NO ONE ESCAPING. [Emphasis mine]

I felt that God was reminding me that He would supernaturally destroy the enemy that was attacking me.  My own efforts would be futile, but if I would take my position and stand firm, then I would see the deliverance of the Lord.  Then my healing would not be for me and my family alone, but it would cause all around us to see the glory of the Lord.

I know that God has lead others to healing through natural means, but He seems to be saying that He alone will be my Healer this time.

Lowell restated that what he heard from God before was that we would try several options, with all our hearts, and after each of them failed, then God would intervene.

What I need now is wisdom to know what step to take next.  I see Dr. Jones in three days, and I need to know by then what the Lord wants me to do next.  I trust Him to tell me … somehow.

Also, during my prayer time today I sensed the Lord asking me, “Are you willing to trust Me … and are you willing to wait?’

I felt that God was giving me a choice.  If my faith was too weak to go the distance, then He would heal me quicker, but in a less glorious way.  I felt He was saying, “Are you up for this, Vicki?  It can be glorious, but it will require great faith and trust from you.”

My answer is, “Yes, Lord.  I’m willing.”

I told Him, once again, that I wanted my life to count for eternal purposes.  I feel now that He’s answered my cry.  I didn’t expect it to be such a hard road, but the higher the obstacle, the more glorious and joyful the victory!  I’m not looking forward to the journey, to be honest, but I am looking forward to the final victory.

2 Corinthians 4:18 – “18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

 

Confirmation came quickly to Vicki and me.  She wrote,

July 14, 2000

We saw Dr. Jones today.  The growth in my side is large and more painful, and I had a fever of 101° for a day or two.  Even though nothing showed up in the CAT scan, Dr. J. believes it’s cancerous lymph nodes.

My CA-125 went up from 288 to 900+ in three weeks.  Dr. Jones stated the obvious – What I’m doing is not working, and I need to try something else.  He suggested chemo[151] again (Topo-tecan[152]), and sent us home to pray.

Lowell and I had such peace during and after our visit that it had to be God.  This does fit what [had been revealed to Lowell weeks before].  Now we just need to hear from God on what the next step should be.

I believe that the darker the tunnel, and the further we go into it, the brighter the light will be when God’s glory is revealed.  “… The darkness is as light to Him.” (Psalms)[153]

 

After our meeting with Dr. Jones we were praying together and the Lord spoke to me quite clearly.  “Do everything Dr. Jones tells you to do.  And do anything you want to do.  And after each option has been exercised, and NOTHING works, I’ll step in.”

Vic sensed that I had heard something, but that I was hesitant to share what it was.  She came up with a brilliant solution.  She suggested that she should leave the room, and then each of us write down what we thought we heard from God about what we were to do  She would then return and we’d compare notes.

I wrote down what I mentioned above.

This is what she wrote:  “Do what Dr. Jones suggested.  Do the chemo.  Follow your heart.  And then wait.”

We had goose-bumps … and then peace.

July 27, 2000

I had my first chemo treatment today (Topotecan).  I have a peace about it, and I’m trusting God to use it as He will.

I also went up to Washington, D.C., to a clinic that uses “integrative medicine.”  They combine conventional treatments (those provided by my doctors) with alternatives.  They took all kinds of tests, and said my blood and immune system looks exceptionally good.  All the nutritional things I’ve been doing are apparently working.  They were in favor of the chemo, and I’ll be returning one time a week for a while.

I’m just trying to follow God’s leading.

 

August 10, 2000

I spoke at Trinity on Sunday, July 30th, and God’s Spirit really touched the people.[154]  Many unsaved/unbelieving visitors were there, and eleven people stood for salvation in both services.  I have such a confidence that God is going to use this cancer for His glory.

The most wonderful thing happened.  Gary, Wendy, Jack, Mom and Dad[155] were all here for a visit.  I sent Gary back to Tampa with a tape of my message for Samantha [Sammie is Gary’s wife].

This past Monday night Sammie called and talked to Lowell for a long time.  She had listened to the tape and had been very stirred emotionally.  [Sammie is an operating room technical nurse, very familiar with cancer.]  She had lots of questions about Jesus, and Lowell encouraged her to pursue her hunger.  I know the Holy Spirit has her heart already.  It’s only a matter of time!  Praise God!

I’m reading a book, “The Sacred Romance,”[156] and it’s really stirring my heart with a longing for the ultimate consummation of my love relationship with Jesus – when I see Him face to face in heaven.

I thought of how odd it is – the way we live our lives as Christians.  We claim that we are His bride, and He is our Lover … the love of our life.  But there’s a disconnect … an oddness about our relationship with Jesus.

Think about this:  What would we think of a bride (1) whose wedding was just a short time away; (2) she’s busily preparing, covering all the necessary details to get ready for that special day.  (3) She talks passionately of how much in love she is with her betrothed.  (4) Everything she does is in preparation for the arrival of her love so the wedding can take place.  (5) She isn’t sure just when he’ll arrive, for he has to travel a great distance to get to where she is, but that doesn’t slow down her preparation.  (6) Her bridesmaids are ready, the flowers are arranged, the church is reserved, and her beautiful gown is hanging there – ready to be put on …

The announcement comes.  The groom has called in, and he’s only hours away!

Wait!  Where is bride going?  She’s driving away from the church!

Something’s amiss.  She barely has time to get dressed and notify the bridal party to take their places before her groom appears, but she has something to do?  Someplace to go?  What’s up?

Oh.  She’s gotten so used to being busy, so accustomed to making arrangements for the wedding, that the preparation has become a comfortable routine.  Preparing for the groom is now her life.  She enjoys the daily talks with the florist.  She enjoys the relationship she’s developed with the caterer.  It makes her feel special to have people fussing over her, and listening to her lists of desires and expectations.  She’s made many friends along the way, and she would miss them terribly if she had to go to some far-off place with her new husband.

She’s sure he (the groom) would understand if she isn’t quite ready to leave her friends and family just yet.  She remembers that everything in her busy activities had revolved around getting ready for this one day, but it suddenly seems hard to remember what she was so passionate about.  All the activities have consumed her emotions, and she barely remembers how she felt about her lover – the groom (the prince of a far-off land).

She’s just not ready for life in the palace … the place he’s prepared for her.  But … she’s sure he’ll wait.  She’s sure he’ll understand.

ISN’T THAT WHAT WE DO when we so desperately hold onto the life we’ve created for ourselves here on earth?  How easily we forget what Christ said.  “I’m going to prepare a place for you, that where I am, there you may be also.” (John 14:1-4)  And Philippians 3:20 says, “Our citizenship is in heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.”  And 2 Peter 3:13 – “But in keeping with His promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of the righteous.”

WHY ARE WE SO EAGER TO EXTEND OUR LIFE HERE ON EARTH AS LONG AS POSSIBLE WHEN IT IS ONLY A SHADOW OF WHAT IS WAITING FOR US IN HEAVEN?  What are we afraid of losing?

It’s like a dirty orphan who is afraid to leave the orphanage because … at least it’s familiar.  She just can’t risk believing that the nice people waiting to take her into their home are loving, and that they have a beautiful home with a special room prepared just for her.  She torments herself with unfounded fears of losing a part of herself if she dares to trust and leave the only home she’s ever known, even though it’s dirty and run-down.

We’d gladly tell the little orphan girl how loving the man and woman are, and how happy she’ll be with her new family.  If only she would listen!

If only we would listen and believe the promises Jesus left us with, there would be no need for fear or of clinging to the familiar.  We’d wake up each morning and say, “Oh, this could be the day I see my Lover, the Groom!  Today could be the day I go to that place He’s prepared for me – that beautiful place.”  How wonderful that would be!

 

The word pictures Vicki recorded in this entry reveal several things about her state of mind at the time.  She felt as if Heaven and Earth were contesting for her heart.

Vicki’s love of Jesus, until now more mystical than extant, and her love of family and friends were juxtaposed, the beautifully unfamiliar opposed to the wonderfully familiar – the great unknown conflicting with the known.  The pull she was experiencing from Earth was all about holding on to relationships with family and friends.  The pull she was feeling from Heaven was new, different. 

We talked about our commonly held belief – that being Jesus would be a face to face reality “someday.”  But we always pictured it happening in the distant future.  Key word:  distant. 

Like me, Vicki truly believed she would run into His arms after spending eighty or ninety years relishing life on this planet and embrace Him.  But with the tumor growing inside her every day, and none of the treatments working, she began to reconcile in her heart the possibility that she might die … soon.

That was hard for her to do.  It was hard on me, too.

You can be a person of faith, genuinely love God, long to see Jesus face-to-face, and still desire to put off dying as long as possible.  Such is the human condition – the human heart.

From time to time Vicki tried to psyche herself up for “the inevitable end” and her “departure” (she didn’t like to use the word death), but her desire to live here, on planet Earth, always trumped her submission to the reality of Heaven’s ultimate triumph.

In John 11, “Jesus said to [Martha], ‘I am the Resurrection and the Life.  He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.  Do you believe this?’

‘Yes, Lord,’ she told Him, ‘I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world.’”[157]

Like Martha in John 11, Vicki would confess that she believed Jesus was the Christ, and that He had power over death.  She believed that she would experience her own, personal resurrection.  She just wasn’t ready to die quite yet.

That made what Vicki did next quite remarkable.