Two Left Feet
22. Two Left Feet
“I happen to feel that the degree of a person’s intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic.”[133]
“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”[134]
Jimmy Bise, Jr. said, “Conflict is going to happen whether you want it or not. People will butt heads … sometimes when you least expect it.”[135] Bise makes it sound so simple and mundane, that conflict should come as no surprise to us. How is it, that when conflict comes we humans always seem unprepared … and unnerved.
Vic and I must have thought we were so prepared for our battle with cancer that conflict of any kind was passé.
September 2, 1999
You’re “moving” in our services, Lord, but people are leaving for the oddest reasons. [Some close friends who had been at Trinity for a long time] feel they can only be used and needed in another church that’s smaller. They don’t feel “connected” here. Then there’s [another couple, also very close friends] who say that You’re leading them to another church, and You’ll show them why later.
It doesn’t make any sense for them to leave now. We know You are in control, and we believe You are leading us into new places of intimacy with You. I know there will be some who aren’t ready to go there with us … but it hurts when those who have been with us for so long leave.
Help us keep our hearts and minds focused on pleasing You … not man. Like the song says, “Tho’ none go with me, still I will follow … No turning back. No turning back.”[136]
November 30, 1999
So much has happened! We went to Maui for ten days, and Phoenix for three to celebrate “One Year Cancer Free!”
It was wonderful. I’m feeling that it’s almost time to quit my job and do more ministry – but I’m afraid that I haven’t really heard from God. In the natural it makes no sense. We owe lots of money for Chris’ college and college-related expenses … and I probably can’t get insurance coverage. This has to be from God or it could be disastrous. How do I make sure?
My overwhelming issue today is how much my words hurt Lowell. For twenty-six years I’ve been wounding him with my mouth, and I’ve got to figure out why … and stop![137]
After much prayer and tears, I’m determined to change. Lowell is a gift from God, chosen just for me, and I have been despising God gift instead of honoring it. He has tried again and again to figure out how to make me happy, but whatever he does, it never seems to be enough. I’m never satisfied with the way he’s doing things. I always have some correction or criticism. I’ve justified it and excused it because “I know better.”
Why do I feel superior? Why do I talk down to him? Is he less intelligent than me? NO! It makes no sense. I have believed a lie. I think a seed of distrust and lack of respect was planted in me about men along the way, and I’ve come to believe that men are somehow beneath me.
I haven’t allowed myself to trust Lowell because of the lie, the distortion. I’ve been looking at him through a warped glass. He doesn’t deserve this. I’ve created fear and distrust in his heart towards me. He loves me so much and so desperately wants to please me. I’m afraid that because I’ve caused so many walls to go up in his heart, that he doesn’t trust anyone’s affection for him. If I can’t be trusted to love him and not hurt him, how can he trust anyone else.
Dear Lord, please forgive me. I renounce the lie that I am better than Lowell in any way, and that I can’t trust him. Please help me to change my thinking and guard my words. Help me to rebuild trust and love. I ask You to do what You alone can do – heal my husband’s heart. I have wounded him so deeply and so often. It will take a miracle to heal the wounds, but You are the God of the impossible. I am so sorry and I need your help to change. I’ve got to change or we’ll never achieve the things you’ve chosen for us. I want it said of me:
Proverbs 31:10-12
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lack nothing of value … She brings him good and not harm, all the days of his life.”
December 2, 1999
I’ve seen it so often … exchanges between husbands and wives, where the husband is ridiculed or put down by the wife, or she embarrasses him in front of his friends or family members. It has always sickened me!
SO WHY DO I DO IT? Why do I give myself permission to blast away at Lowell.
Tonight I’m brokenhearted. I’ve done it again. Lowell was downstairs, watching TV, not interested in coming to bed … or anything close to being with me. Next thing, he comes up and tells me he needs to get away for a day or two.
I was at work Tuesday – my regular schedule – and felt really good afterward. I called home and told Lowell I needed to go Christmas shopping. He sounded distracted, and I thought, “He’s been wasting his time, doing something, so he’s relieved I’m not coming home at my regular time.” I decided that. I trusted my instincts that something was wrong. But I still went out.
I came home after dark, around 7 PM, to find the house lit up with my favorite Christmas lights. I love the “ice sickle lights” that hang from the gutters and make the house’s outline look like we’ve “had an ice storm of electricity” (as Lowell always says).
Lowell was up on the tall ladder, the one that scares me so much when he’s on it. He was putting up the last lights. He had the biggest smile on his face. He knows how much I LOVE those special lights, and Christmas.
Earlier in the month I had told Lowell that because we were so busy this year he didn’t have to decorate the outside of the house. I told him that I only wanted the tree decorated, the stockings hung, and a few inside decorations this year. That would make me feel like it was Christmas – my favorite time of the year.
So here he was, up on the ladder, smiling as I got out of the car. He was so pleased with himself. He had pulled off a surprise, and I’m really hard to surprise.
So, what did I do? I noticed that he had the stapler in his hand. I had told him the previous Christmas that I didn’t want him to put up the lights with staples anymore because it damages the light wires sometimes when he gets in a hurry and staples through the wire. I had told him last Christmas that we should go out and get those special ice sickle lights plastic hooks that rest on the gutter, and you just string the lights through the little holes. The result: no damage.
So what did I do next? I said, “Lowell (disgusting tone in my voice), I told you not to put the lights up that way! You’ve probably ruined the lights for next year. They’re so expensive to replace. Why didn’t you do what I told you to do and get those plastic hooks. And anyway, I told you we didn’t need the lights outside this year.”
And with that, I went inside … and didn’t think a thing about it. I also thought, “If he wanted to do something helpful, why didn’t he make dinner tonight.” I thought that since I had been out walking the mall, shopping, and had been on my feet at the bank for half a day, cooking dinner would have made more sense.
I cooked dinner. I put it on the table. And then I waited, [and then I began to wonder,] “Why isn’t he inside? He only had a few more lights to staple into place.”
I went outside and found Lowell putting the huge ladder away. I said, “Why haven’t you come inside for dinner. It’s getting cold.”
He said, “Dinner’s getting cold? Dinner’s getting cold? I’ve been cold all afternoon. I’ve been up on the ladder, putting up the lights … FOR YOU! And all you had to say when you got home was, ‘I told you not to put the lights up.’”
He was really mad. He had only raised his voice a little. He didn’t want the neighbors to hear.
And his next words really hurt me when they came rushing out. “I would rather go out, by myself, and get something to eat … but I’ve lost my appetite! I don’t want anything. Most of all, I don’t want to be around you.”
I feel sick. The cancer … and the chemo … never made me feel this way on the inside, in my heart.
Why do I see Lowell, [or] any man, with such disdain?
How am I going to rebuild trust with Lowell?
I don’t know where he is. He told me that he just wanted to get away, and that he wouldn’t spend “your precious money!” (I’ve always put money concerns above his feelings. I’ve never once put myself in his place, wondering what it would feel like to live with an ungrateful wife who never appreciates how much he works for how little he gets in return.
My bosses at the bank NEVER work as hard as Lowell. Lowell works 24/7/365. He loves people more than money. There are bank VPs making five times as much as Lowell, and not doing anything as important as his work. (Dear God, do I measure Lowell’s worth by how much he earns?)
I made cheap staples more valuable than my husband. What’s wrong with me? Oh God, am I going to lose my husband just when I need him the most?
Good grief! There I go again, making my needs (for Lowell’s help and companionship) more important than his needs. I make how I feel more important than how he feels, and he’s such a feeling person. He wears his feelings on his sleeves. He leads with his heart. And what do I do? I don’t appreciate how much he loves me, and how much crap he’s had to put up with all these years!
I don’t know how I’m going to rebuild the trust. What am I going to do when he comes back. And I’m assuming that he’s coming back soon. [But] why would he want to?
I cried myself to sleep last night, but I didn’t shed a single tear for Lowell. I cried because I was hurt, and lonely, and had been “abandoned by my husband.”
I need his forgiveness. I’ll ask for him to forgive me, even though it’s hard for me to ever admit I’m wrong. Will he forgive me? I can’t live without his forgiveness. He’s always been so good about forgiving me in the past, but lately I’ve been tearing him to shreds and not caring. No wonder he doesn’t want to be around me. I don’t even want to be around me.
I’m afraid. Mostly I’m afraid, not that our marriage will fail (because God and Lowell won’t let it), but I’m afraid of me. Will I ever change?
Dear God, please help me heal the pain I’ve created in my husband’s heart. Please give me wisdom. How can I rebuild the trust? How can I love him like I should? Just when I think our marriage is made of solid rock I get overconfident and stop thinking about him. I only think about me!! Please change me, because I can’t seem to change myself. It’s like I’m programmed, and I need to be completely reprogrammed. I’m willing to change. I need to change. But only You can change me. It’s got to be You, Lord. Amen.
Saturday, December 4, 1999 (from Vicki’s computer journal)
Lowell’s home. He came home this morning. He was pretty tired. He hasn’t slept very well the last couple of nights. He went to stay at a friend’s house out in Powhatan, and he said he was coming home to get ready for Sunday’s sermon.
He asked me if I wanted him to stay.
We talked a long time. We probably talked for about 5 hours, until we were both really exhausted. I apologized for my cruel words, and I told him that I had written a bunch of stuff in my journal, how I had written it the night I had hurt his feelings about the Christmas lights.[138]
I asked him to forgive me, and he started to cry. He couldn’t even talk. Then he told me that he had prayed that I would be sorry for hurting him, and that I would ask for forgiveness, but he didn’t have [much] faith that I would because I’ve done it so rarely in our marriage. His prayer was almost like a fleece.[139] If I was sorry and asked for forgiveness then he would have hope and be ready for the next stage in our lives, but he also said that if I wasn’t sorry he didn’t know what he was going to do. He cried so hard I thought he was going to [get sick].
For once I did something right, and I’m so thankful to God because [apologizing] is usually way out of my comfort zone. I got up, walked over, and just started hugging him, and cried on his shoulder and told him how sorry I was.
We need counseling, but maybe just I need counseling for this issue. I think I’m the one that’s broken. Better yet, I think we should only tackle one problem at a time, and I’m the problem right now.
I need to … transfer this into my journal [when I find it] because I believe something is going to change in me. I know God is already helping me because I did some things I usually don’t do. I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and made the first step to an embrace.
Dear God, I thank You for the way You helped me today. Please help Lowell prepare his sermon so that he won’t be worried about tomorrow. And tonight, help me to love Lowell in a way that continues where we left off at 2 PM [this afternoon] – keep me humble, focused on him (and You), and help me keep my mouth under control! I know it starts in my mind, so change my mind about Lowell, and men in general. I thought I had made so much progress in that area, and I thought I loved Lowell completely and totally, but I’ve discovered that I’m one selfish moment away from blowing it. Help me to practice Proverbs 31:12. Amen.
In an article entitled Pretend You Can Dance, Justin Becker wrote, “If you feel very awkward or uncomfortable on the dance floor, try to do less rather than trying to show off. Just avoid drawing attention to yourself, and stick to basic moves such as swaying, moving from side to side, and moving your body more than your feet.” You don’t have to be the life of the party.
Isn’t that great advice? Becker says, just stick to the basic moves.
Two of the basics – trust God, and live one day at a time – seemed to reside somewhere deep in the back of Vicki’s mind at times. She worried about not knowing things in advance, wasting time and energy concerned about the next day.
Once again she coached herself,
January 12, 2000
I’ve been struggling with knowing God’s will concerning continuing to work at the bank. I know God is working in people’s lives there, but I’m feeling more and more frustrated that I don’t have more time for ministry to the ladies at Trinity. I can’t seem to get a clear answer. One day I think it’s time to quit and the next, I’m unsure.
I know I’m afraid to give up the $12,000 a year and my health insurance, but it’s more than that. I desperately want to trust God and follow His leading … so I’m going through “Experiencing God”[140] again.
These are the things I’m hearing:
1) Anything significant that happens in my life will be a result of God’s activity in my life (“… Who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us.” Ephesians 3:20)
2) I need to follow Jesus one day at a time, [and that will result in me being] in the center of His will. He will show me the way.
3) Watch to see where God is working, and join Him.
4) We are only of use to the Potter if we remain in His hands. When He uses me, I can anything He can do (John 15:5).
5) When God reveals what He is about to do, that becomes my invitation to join Him.
6) When I believe that nothing significant can happen through me, I have said more about my belief in God than my belief in myself.
On February 21, 2000 she wrote, in spite of worrying about it:
My job worked out perfectly! Now I have Monday and Tuesdays off, and a half day on Thursday. Looks like I’ll be working for now.
God is challenging and encouraging my “belief” in Him through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free”[141] study. Numbers 23:19 says, “God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?”
God said that Trinity would have a huge impact on Richmond and many would come to the Kingdom through us. I’m just now realizing that He is moving me from being a cheerleader for Lowell to being a participant in leadership and ministry. It’s such an honor, but it’s so scary. It means I have to trust Him daily to do the supernatural things through me that I’m incapable of doing apart from Him. I’ve felt overwhelmed lately and realize my faith in God is not where it needs to be.
Lord, I need Your help. I believe … but help my unbelief. I need to learn more about You through Your Word. I need to trust You more.
April 22, 2000:
We’ve been to England to visit Brandon for two weeks. Chris came and we had a wonderful time.
I’m so proud of Brandon. On Saturday night Brandon was attacked by two men and beaten badly. They broke both of his cheekbones but, praise God, he didn’t need any surgery or stitches. He could have been hurt so much worse, but God spared him. I know God has a powerful plan for his life.
Chris is doing really well at Lee University, too, and his walk with God is strong. We feel so blessed.
For some time she had been having a sharp pain in her side. She thought that maybe some scar tissue from her previous surgery was pulling against some of the tender tissue inside her abdomen and along her backbone.
When we went in to see Dr. Jones, he ordered a CAT scan,[142] an ingenious method of interpreting what’s going on inside the human body.
Got some bad news yesterday. I’ve had severe pain in my back and side for a week. A CAT scan on Thursday showed a growth on a muscle in my back. I’m having surgery next week to have it removed and biopsied.
Lowell and I shed some tears and held each other last night, but today we feel such a wonderful peace that can only come from God.
On my way to work this morning I seemed to feel God take my face in His hands so that I was looking directly into His eyes. It was as though He was saying to keep my eyes right on His face and not look to the left or the right. I know that I’m precious to Him, and He’s right here besides me. I trust Him completely – no matter what happens next week.
