Seeing The Invisible ...

Hearing The Inaudible

21. Seeing The Invisible … Hearing The Inaudible

 

“Most of the basic truths of life sound absurd

at first hearing.”[123]

 

“The opposite of talking isn’t listening. 

The opposite of talking is waiting.”[124]

 

February 8, 1999

Lowell and I are at Henrico Doctors Hospital for my 4th treatment.  At noon we watched Mike Bickle interview of Paul Cain.  God really spoke to both of us through the humility and wisdom of this 60+-year-old man.  He spoke of “seeing the invisible, hearing the inaudible, and feeling the intangible,” and the cost associated with [any] ministry that involved “signs and wonders.”

God spoke to me that I needed to release Lowell to spend as much of his free time as possible with God, and doing God-related things.  I needed to be willing to give “our time” up as a sacrifice that would be pleasing to the Lord.  We have always guarded our limited amount of time alone, and I have always made sure I got my share of Lowell’s time.

I felt God was saying that Lowell was in the midst of an intense preparation time that would require extraordinary amounts of [God]-relationship-building times.

We have had 25+ years to build our relationship, and it’s very solid and strong.  Now God wants to build something very intimate and strong and solid with Lowell that can only be accomplished through extra time spent with Him.  I believe that time has time to come out of our personal time alone.

After I told Lowell all this, he lay down on a mat on the floor to pray.  He asked God to give him a vision or a dream regarding his ministry direction.  [Almost] instantly he began to see the following:[125]

Before him was a long path, and Lowell saw Jesus off in the distance.  With Him were some “intimate people” who were being used by God, or had been used by God, in “signs and wonders” [miracles and healings].

At first Lowell saw a clear path to Jesus, and it seemed easy to get to Him.  Jesus had His back to Lowell, but from time to time He’d turn toward Lowell, smile a beautiful smile, and wave for Lowell to catch up with Him.  Jesus was about 200 yards from Lowell, so Lowell began run toward Him.

Suddenly the path disappeared and there before my husband was a 30+-foot wide chasm, hundreds of feet deep!  He skidded to a stop.  Lowell knew he couldn’t jump it without falling into the chasm.

On his left Lowell noticed some building materials and tools.  He also noticed a big stack of boards that look plenty long enough to cross the chasm.  Impulsively he grabbed one of the long boards, put one end of it on his side of the chasm, and let the other end fall to the other side of the chasm.  It was long enough! 

He was anxious to catch up with Jesus so he started across the board.  But when Lowell tried to walk across the one board, the closer he came to the middle, the more the board bent.  Lowell knew if he keeps going both he and board would end up at the bottom of this abyss.

Then he heard a voice say, “Lowell, you have to build a bridge.  Your weight is too much for a single board.  You’ll fall into the chasm unless you build a bridge.”

Lowell noticed next that each board in the pile had a name deeply carved into it.  The first board was called “Prayer.”  The second, “Wonder and Awe.”  The third was “Humility.”  The fourth, “Discipline.”  The fifth was called “Fasting.”  The sixth was “Submission.”  The seventh board was named “Time.”  The eighth, “Intimacy.”  The ninth was “Character and Integrity.”  The last board, the tenth, was “Love.”

He had to build a bridge using each of the ten named boards before he could cross and catch up with Jesus.  Lowell had already placed the “Prayer” board across the chasm; now it was time to add the “Wonder and Awe” board.

When he laid the second board across the chasm Jesus suddenly appeared at the other side of the chasm.  He had come back, and was now just 30 or so feet from Lowell!

Jesus said, “Build the bridge.  I’ll wait for you.”  Then, two other mean appeared at Jesus’ side … two men who had been used by God to do miracles and healings in the past.

Lowell began to understand something way down deep inside his heart.  Those two men with Jesus had traveled the identical path as he was being called to travel, and they had been told to build the same kind of bridge at some point in their lives.  Lowell knows that God’s calling is sovereign – God doesn’t call us to do anything based on our talent.  His calling is not something to be earned.  The only similarity Lowell and the other men had was “a tenderness of heart.”  God had created them that way.

Then Jesus said that God had called Lowell to special life of “signs, wonders, and evangelism,” and that it would take place.  Then He said, again, “Build the bridge.”

After Lowell placed each of the ten boards across the chasm he took a step, and almost immediately they started to wobble and bend.  They were too flexible to walk cross.  When Lowell stepped on the boards they looked like keys on a piano keyboard – each time his foot touched a board, it would bend.  There was no way he could cross the chasm without stiffening the bridge of boards, but how could that be done?

Lowell then noticed shorter boards that were stacked neatly next to the chasm, and each board was imprinted with a single word – “Worship.”  Lowell understood.  He was never meant to cross the chasm on any one board or pair of boards.  “The worship of God holds them all together,” and gives the bridge stability.

As Lowell knelt to place the Worship boards in place he began to cry.  His tender heart began to love God, and worship Him.  And amazingly, wherever a tear fell it would become a nail!  Lowell spent the necessary time placing each Worship board perpendicular to the ten original boards (like railroad ties holding the tracks … only on top instead of underneath), and each Worship board was butted next to the other. 

In time, Lowell completely covered all ten boards with Worship boards … and found himself, on his knees, at the other side of the chasm.  Jesus stood just a few feet away.  He wasn’t looking at Lowell, but at something on the other side.  Instead of racing to Jesus, Lowell turned and looked across the bridge, to the original side, too, and noticed there were still materials left to place on the bridge – in order to complete it.  First, there was a canvas covering that had to be stretched across the entire length and breadth of the bridge.  The canvas also had a name:  “Brokenness-Sorrow-Loss.”  (The point was, once the canvas was stretched across the bridge, no one looking at the bridge would see any the original ten boards, or the Worship boards with the nails made from tears.  But that was okay with Lowell because one of the original boards was “Humility.”)

Finally it was time to place a sign on the original side of the chasm, so that all who would follow Lowell’s path to Jesus would know the nature of the bridge.  Lowell erected the sign, and then raced to Jesus.  Once he got to the Lord he feel into Christ’s arms, laughing and singing, and off they went … the four of them now – Jesus, Lowell, and the two miracle-working men of the past.

The name on the sign?  “Cost.”

Dear God, don’t let us forget this day and your awesome ability to communicate with us.  Even more amazing is Your intense desire to have an intimate relationship with us.

St. Augustine said, “Man is forever restless until he finds his home in God.”

Back to Paul Cain.  One night God woke him up and told Paul that He longed “to find a home in him, but He hadn’t.”  Paul didn’t understand, so God explained, “You speak of rest, and making your home in God (like Augustine), but what about Me?  I made Man that I might find My home in Man.  I cannot rest until I find My home in Man!”

Then God said to Paul Cain, “I have moved through many men, but I have only rested in a few.”

Lord, I desperately want to become a place of rest for You.  I want to be called Your friend, not just a casual acquaintance.  I want to know Your thoughts.  I want to know you so well that I can finish Your sentences.  I want to laugh at Your jokes, to recognize the sound of Your voice as if it were Lowell’s, and be the trusted friend that You can share Your desires with, knowing that I will do everything in my power to fulfill that desire. 

I’ve got a long way to go to develop that level of friendship with You, but ALL deep friendships require time, effort, and sacrifice.  I’ve never been willing to give much time to any of my friendships, besides Lowell.  I need to and want to pursue You like never before.  I’m determined to become a friend that You can trust with [the treasures of Your] heart.

 

God was speaking to us about ministry.  We understood we were on different paths, and that God had different expectations for us even though our lives overlapped.

People were observing Vicki’s deepening spirituality and her more passionate love for Jesus.  These were the things that were constantly on her lips and reflected on her countenance. 

Rather than becoming sour from the effects of eating the bitter fruit chosen for her from the Tree of Life, she became sweeter.  Rather than repelling people because she possessed an acidic attitude, she was drawing people to herself and to God like never before.  Again, she and I knew she could only be doing so because of the years of preparation she had undergone.

Now … all she had to do was dance her Dance:  be honest, transparent, faithful, real, soft, and open.

February 22, 1999

I’m in the midst of trying to decide whether to finish my last two chemos or go the “nutritional route.”  I’ve been reading loads on the subject and I’m feeling torn.  This morning God really spoke to me.

First, this verse came to me, “Thy Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”  (Psalm 119:105 NIV) 

Then I turned to Isaiah 41:10 -14 – “ … so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.  Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them.  Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.  For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Do not be afraid … for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.”

I felt that God was saying that He would not allow the chemo to hurt me permanently, as I feared.  He would intervene and overcome the ravages of the enemy (chemo), and He would be with me, not only to deliver me spiritually, but physically.  I still don’t know if I’ll have one or both of the last two treatments, but I’m not fearful anymore.  I realize that I had let fear creep back in concerning the damage chemo was doing to my body.  I know that God wouldn’t lead me into this course of treatment and then let it hurt me permanently.  I trust Him.

I talked with Dr. Jones and asked if I could skip my last treatment and only have one more.  I felt a strong desire to do this, and he said that [skipping the last treatment] would be fine.

Wendy (Vicki’s sister) was with me and we rejoiced together!  Just think – only one more treatment and it will be over!  God not only promised to protect me, but gave me an extra bonus of dropping the last treatment.  Now I can go to the Brownsville Ministers Conference and feel well and stronger.  Praise God!

 

March 8, 1999

We’re back at Henrico Doctors Hospital for my final chemo.  I’ve seen Philomena, Missy, and Glenna, and Judy (all nurses Vicki had come to love) will be in [later] to say goodbye.

Karen, Beverly and Donna brought me lunch and a beautiful crystallized rock (a geode[126]) that they said represented the brokenness I’d been through and the beauty that resulted from the pressure and pain of the past few years.  This “beauty” could only be revealed, they said, through brokenness.  The “rock” looked plain and ordinary on the outside, but when it was broken open – wow!

We watched [another part] of the Paul Cain/Mike Bickle video, and God spoke to Lowell again.  (He’s in the process coming out of a week-long funk … I know it’s related to the stresses of being my Primary Care Giver.)  God’s message to Lowell was short, but intense; God is showing/telling him keys to his future ministry and relationship with God.  (We’re so encouraged by God’s love, compassion, patience and [His] ability to speak to us when we need it most.)

God is not going to release Lowell from his calling, but will patiently continue to draw him and teach him and encourage him until he is living in the fulfillment of his calling.

I have a strong desire to become a Barnabas[127] (encourager) to Lowell.  I’ve never seen myself in that role.  (I guess I’ve seen myself more at the Holy Spirit/corrector.)  I think it’s time to stop being his mother and start being his friend and supporter. 

Lord, You’ve got to help me on this one!  It won’t come naturally.

 

April 12, 1999

We’re on our way to the Brownsville Ministers Conference.  We had 475 people on Easter Sunday!

God woke me up at 5:15 this morning, in my hotel room, and I heard two words:  “Stop whining.”  (Say what you mean and mean what you say.)  I’ve developed a habit of hinting at things I’m displeased with, making a negative comment, and hoping Lowell will figure out what I really want.

I also heard, “Jesus would never whine.  You want to be more like Jesus, right?”

I’ve asked God to change me into the image of Christ, and I guess He’s starting with something really practical.  I’ve determined to change this habit but I really need the Holy Spirit’s help.  I’ve asked Him to make me aware every time I start to fall back into it.  We can do this together (the Holy Spirit and me)!

God also brought back to me the song he gave me fourteen years ago:  “Let me conversation be … pleasing unto Thee.  Let the words of my mouth … speak out joyfully.  Let my heart meditate … on Thy Word night and day.  Let my conversation be … [pleasing] unto Thee.”

 

June 18, 1999

My hair is growing back!  I spoke at our first WOW & Missionettes[128] banquet on June 5th.  [I spoke] about inner beauty versus outer beauty, and took off my wig!  Permanently.  I wanted [taking off my wig] to be a reminder to the girls, every time they saw me, that God values inner beauty more.

I didn’t realize how vain I was until the day came and my hair wasn’t nearly as long as I wanted it to be when I “unveiled” myself.  I almost backed out until God reminded me that the whole point was to demonstrate that outer beauty wasn’t so important.  It hasn’t been easy [being without the wig for almost two weeks] but it’s been very revealing.  It’s still too much about “me!”

I’ve been asking God for more love for “the lost” (those who don’t know Jesus, or maybe only know about Him but are not in a close relationship with Him), and it’s beginning to happen.  As I walk Jazz, now I pray for the neighbors, and I have a longing to lead them to Christ.  I don’t know just how but I think my life is getting ready to change drastically.

I had a dream last night that I know was from God.  I was a passenger in a car.  As we approached an intersection we saw 12-15 young people being sprayed with gunfire as they waited for the school bus!  Many we’re falling to the ground, wounded … or dead.  Others were running and screaming.  As some ran towards our car we began backing up to escape the danger ourselves.  I ducked into the floor.  I felt horror, then fear.  As I raised back up I saw the children running and I thought we should go back and pull a couple of them into the safety of the car, and drive them to a safe place.  Then I decided it would take too much time, be too inconvenient, and delay me getting to where I was going too much.   So we left.

I think the children [in the dream] represented the lost.  They’re being wounded and killed by the enemy – Satan.  I’m observing it but I’m too self-absorbed to help them.  I have a safe place to pull them into, but I don’t want to be bothered.  Even though I’ve seen some of them actually die, I’m not moved to help those who are still in danger!  I want to help them, but I’m too afraid and too self-focused to be bothered with them.

Lord, help me to change.  I want my life to count for You.  I want to rescue people, and present them safely to You.

 

June 23, 1999

I’ve read “Too Busy Not to Pray,” by Bill Hybels.[129]  I’ve started praying, [using] his model:  A – Adoration, C – Confession, T – Thanksgiving, S – Supplication (ACTS)

My confession today is that I’ve grown accustomed to having lots of personal time during my recovery period (people have left me alone and given me space out of their love and concern for me), but now I sense that God is drawing me back into ministry and I’m resisting giving up “my” time.  There are women that need me right now and I haven’t been very happy about their “neediness.”

God, You have given me so much.  I need to give back to other with a glad heart.  I need to lay down my life again as a willing sacrifice.  I want my focus to be on You.  I want to hear Your voice and I know You’re not going to tell me to sit home and read all day.  I have to be willing to go where You send me and not only pray for people but talk to them also.

Thanksgiving – Lord, I thank You for my health; that my strength is returning.  I thank You, that my boys are serving You and pursuing ministry.  I thank You, that we have the money to pay our bills and enjoy some “extras.”  I thank You that my marriage is healthy and strong.  I thank You for changing my heart and giving me a love for the lost.

Supplication[130] – I’m so burdened for Drew after hearing that he’s [moving] away from his passion for You.  Satan must not have a victory with him.  He belongs to You.  Draw him back and restore him to his first love, and even more.

Heal Yvette’s liver.  Give her a new one so that no transplant is needed.  [And] heal Betty and Tom’s marriage.  Bring wholeness to their broken lives.  Touch Cindy with Your Spirit.  Send someone to disciple her who is emotionally whole.

Fulfill Your purposes at Trinity[131] … ignite people’s vision and increase their faith.  Give them a passion for the lost.

Give Lowell wisdom and strength for the tasks ahead of him.  Raise up leaders that will share the vision and load you’ve appointed for him.  Teach me how to be the best helper I can be for him.  Guard my words – let me be an encourager and not critical.  Send others to correct him in love.

 

June 24, 1999

Thanksgiving – You did an awesome thing last night after church, God.  Sarah Barclay came to Lowell and shared how you had spoken to her about Lowell saying he wasn’t a “pastor,” but was a leader/visionary.  You told her when she was washing her face that You had called Lowell to be a pastor, and You had equipped him with what he needed; that earlier in his life someone had spoken words to him, [critically] saying he was not being a pastor.   This is a lie.  You want to set him free.  Sarah saw Lowell as a hamster that was running madly on a treadmill, never able to get where he wanted, but always frustrated. 

Lowell remembered back to the day when [a very significant, life-long friend] had told him he would never be a pastor, or have a pastor’s heart.  That [thought] became entrenched in his spirit when he was only twenty-five years old, and that thought became a “stronghold.”[132]   He’s kept that in his spirit all these years (20 years!).  We prayed for the lie to be broken of its power, and that Lowell would be released to be the pastor God ordained him to be.  Lowell was deeply moved, and I believe something great was released in his spirit.  Thank You, God!

 

July 7, 1999

Confession – I’ve let my time with You slip away, and I’m feeling discouraged and confused.  There are decisions to be made and I feel so incapable of making them.  So much of my concern involves finances.  Do I continue the [nutritional] supplements? When do I quit my job?

I know when I’m this worried that I’m not centered on You, Lord.  I know that You have our future planned, and that we are in Your care.  I need to find that place of peace, and trust You to speak to me and guide me into Your will.

 

July 12, 1999

I’m reading [a book that is] creating an intense desire to pursue God, and to find “a higher place” in my prayer life.  I had a long time of praying “in the Spirit.”  I asked God to wash me and remove the crud so I would be an open, clean conduit for His power to move through.

I want to become an instrument He can use; to know His voice; to be pleasing in my obedience and my pursuit of Him.  I’m determined to spend more time in prayer and to move into a greater level of intimacy than I’ve ever known.  I will find Him!

Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”