Variation
20. Variation
“Variation - Any solo performance in a ballet.”[117]
“Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.”[118]
“I’m still asking God to let me keep my hair, but I realize there may
be a lesson here that I can only learn bald!”
- Vicki, on November 15, 1998
Vicki was riding ocean waves of data. One day she would rise on the crest of one option and descend when an alternative was suggested. So many facts were appearing on her horizon, and floating in her direction. And there were people waiting for her decisions. The pressure was unbelievable some days.
She told me, and I wrote in my journal, “My doctors and my well-meaning friends are not the problem. (In reality, even the ‘not-so-well-meaning’ people aren’t the problem.) They are not creating this fear and confusion. They are, for the most part, being patient and kind. It’s me! I feel the pressure of my perfectionism. I don’t want to be wrong. Ever. So much is at stake.”[119]
Interestingly, as soon as Vic would return to her routine of meditating on God’s Word the balance would return. From time to time she would say, “I wish God had put treatment-specifics in the Bible,” but then acknowledge, “He does speak quite eloquently and often about trusting Him, resting in Him, and having faith that He loves me and desires the best for me.”
Then God began to use His people to bring things back into focus. Sharon [Bennett] reminded me that I might never arrive at the perfect amount of information. I could spend weeks and months researching it all, and still be unwilling to make my own decision for fear of making the wrong decision. Then Sarah B. [Barclay] gave me Proverbs 4:25-27 – “Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left. Keep you foot from evil.”
She reminded me that so often we hear from God, we find the firm path, and as we’re walking down it the distractions start to come. Confusing signals hit us from the left and the right, but God wants us to keep our eyes fixed on Him and what He has already established in us.
Lowell and I have felt from the beginning that this cancer is not just about me and us. It has a greater purpose and a more far-reaching effect that time alone will reveal. (Vicki’s emphasis.) We have a sense that I am to go through a time of suffering that will bring a compassion to both of us that will enable God to flow through us in a more powerful way in healings and ministry.
Oswald Chambers said, “When God is putting His saints through the experience of the millstones, we are apt to want to interfere. Hands off! God brings these things into our lives for the production of the bread that is to feed the world.”
We also feel that its impact will extend to the entire Trinity family and drive them to a deeper understanding of God and a more intense prayer life and passion for a lost and dying world. They’ve begun a 24-hour prayer watch for me and I’m hearing from many that God is drawing them deeper into intimacy and turning their love for me into a love for the lost who are at risk of dying in a very similar way. We don’t know what God will do with this but we know He is working! (Again, Vicki’s emphasis.)
Oswald Chambers: “Job did not know the preface to his own story; neither does any man. Job was never told that God and the devil had made a battleground of his soul [until after the battle was won]. Job’s suffering was not for his own sake, not for his own perfecting or purifying. That was incidental. Job suffered ‘according to the will of God.’ The honor of God was at stake.”
I desperately want to honor God in all of this. I want to be willing to “offer my body as a living sacrifice” in a way that is wholly acceptable to Him.
November 7, 1998
Had my first chemo treatment yesterday. They put in a “Port-a-Cath®”[120] so they could hook the I.V. right into my chest. I was a little nauseous from the anesthesia, but after they started the chemo at 2:30 PM I never felt sick. God is incredibly gracious – I know it was His touch and intervention, and I’m so thankful. Looks like I’ll check out around Noon.
Last week I was beginning to feel really anxious and fearful about the unknown aspect of the chemo. “How sick will I get? Will I lose my hair? Will I have to avoid touching or hugging people for 6 months or risk infection?” Then, at church on Wednesday night God really spoke to me. He reminded me that I am chosen by Him and belong to Him, and that I am to be an alien in this world and keep my eyes set on the goal that is before me. (1 Peter 2:9-12)[121]
This cancer and chemo is not all about me. I can’t allow my focus to turn inward toward self-pity. I must keep my heart and affections on my ultimate purpose – to glorify God with my life and draw others to Him. He can use this in a great and mighty way if I will allow Him to. My attitude is everything!
1 Peter 4:7, 8, and 11b-13: “7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear-minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (Remember, people mean well when they make suggestions) “11If anyone … serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ … [To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.]… “12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.”
November 11, 1998
Yesterday was tough. Achy, tired and constipated. Yuck!
Received two really encouraging notes in the mail that made me thankful.
Psalm 77:11-12 – “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all Your works and consider all Your mighty deeds.”
I have so much to be thankful for: 1. Brandon came to Christ this year and is planning for full-time ministry. 2. Chris is serving God and attending a Christian college. 3. Our church is experiencing growth and God’s touch. 4. So many supportive friends are pouring out love and prayers for me. 5. I have a wonderful husband that loves me passionately and wants to protect me. He’s strong and godly, and encourages me to lean on him when I’m weak (which is often lately). 6. I have a healing God that has promised never to leave me or forsake me. I feel His presence daily.
I sincerely wanted Vicki to lean on me, and she would have been happy to do so, but very soon we were to find out that God didn’t want us putting our faith/confidence in each other.
1 Peter 1:6-7: “6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
My God is not a consuming fire (today, in my life), but a purifying fire. He won’t burn me but He will make me uncomfortable. Right now the warmth of His fire is still at a comfortable level, but it’s going to become uncomfortable soon. It may feel like a scorching heat but it’s not meant to hurt me – only to purify me, and forge me into a stronger instrument in His hand. I won’t resist it, or run away from the work that needs to be accomplished.
Hebrews 12:2-4: “2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.”
November 14, 1998
I’m praying each morning at 8:30 for revival at Trinity. I went back to the picture of God as fire. He is a consuming fire to the wicked, but a purifying fire to His people. (Deuteronomy 4:25 – “For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” and “Hebrews 12:28-29 – “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ‘God is a consuming fire.’”)
I have a question for me: “If God burned away all the things in your life that had no eternal value, what would you be left with?” Would I be devastated and feel hopeless and fearful … or would I have enough eternal ‘gold and silver’ to sustain me? What have we (I) filled our lives with that cause us to be terrified of losing it? The things of God cannot be lost or stolen. They are the eternal things we should be filling our lives with.
November 15, 1998
Went with Karen (Anthony) to try on wigs again. Found a really cute one. I’m still asking God to let me keep my hair, but I realize there may be a lesson here that I can only learn bald! Sang, to the tune of an old song, to Lowell: “It’s me, it’s me, it’s me, O Lord … standing in the need of hair!”
November 23, 1998
It’s happening. My hair started coming out on Saturday (exactly two weeks after chemo), and it’s falling fast. Lowell and I went in today and tried on more wigs and hats. I ordered my wig and bought six hats! I’m at least going to have a little fun with this.
I’m afraid to wash my hair because I don’t want to see it all going down the drain. I know this is going to be really hard to accept, but I’m asking God to give me grace for one day at a time, and to use this somehow for His glory.
God is so good! I’m reading through the Bible and my chapter for today included [ironically] 1 Peter 3:3-6 – “3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair … and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight ... You are her [Sarah’s] daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
Thanks, God. You’re awesome!
November 30, 1998
I shaved my hair down to ½ inch Tuesday night, after so much more fell out when I washed it again. I figured it would be easier than watching it come out in handfuls every time I brushed it or even touched it. I cried a little, but it wasn’t too bad.
Then Lowell helped me cut it even shorter on Wednesday night. There was hardly any left by Friday – one week later. I had no idea it would happen so quickly. I’ve already bought a short wig and I have a longer one on order.
Kendalle Stock bought me more hats.
Chris came home for Thanksgiving and I showed him my almost bald head. He was great, and Lowell has been awesome. He has been so supportive and actually makes me feel beautiful bald. I feel so blessed to have him as my partner and best friend during this. I can’t imagine going through this without him.
I know God is the main source of my strength. I am really not that upset about losing my hair, and I know that has to be from God. I’m hoping I’ll learn some valuable lessons through this. I need for my heart to become focused more on God and lesson me. So many things are still about me. I need to grow closer to God, and more like Christ. Sometimes I feel so totally self-centered. I want to decrease so that He can increase.
December 10, 1998
Had my second chemo on December 7th. It went really well – no nausea again. Praise God!
There’s a really special nurse (Judy Mays) that has been [at my chemo events] both times. She’s a fairly new believer and is so excited about the Lord. She was having some physical problems this time and I was discouraged. We prayed for her and God seemed to touch her body. Lowell also prayed for a man next door to our room whose wife was in. It’s great to be used, even in our weakness.
I’m not feeling too great today, and I’m supposed to go to work tomorrow. I started back [working] two days a week last Friday. Hope I can make it this week.
I’m trying to decide whether to turn W.O.W. [The Women Of the Word] over to someone else for the next six months. I feel so distracted and weak, and I don’t want the ministry to suffer. However, I don’t want to give up too easily if God intends to give me the strength to do it. I’m still praying, since I haven’t heard from God on it yet.
Lowell and I are feeling pretty weak right now. I know we need to seek God for His strength. We can’t just lean on each other right now.
But we did. We had to, and God did provide the strength.
One thing we did was sit down together and write out a document we entitled, “Cancer and My/Our Emotions.” We referred back to it from time to time over the next four years, so it became a benchmark of sorts. Here’s what we wrote:
Two months ago we found out “we” have cancer. We’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions since then. We found in a recent survey that the greatest fear in our society is cancer, then heart disease, and then public speaking.
We have been told that we will go through some “predictable stages,” and that everyone does when they face a major crisis like death, divorce or disease.
Vicki: I’d like to share my journey through some of these stages.
First – SHOCK: It was totally unexpected. One day I was “healthy,” the next day I had a life threatening disease – cancer.
Second – DENIAL: I thought, “Someone must have made a mistake. This can’t be happening. I need to get a 2nd opinion.”
Third – FEAR: or “despair.” For me it was more the fear of not knowing how having cancer would change my life. God had already assured me that I was not going to die with this, but there were so many other unknowns. How sick would the chemo make me? Would all my hair fall out? Would I have to stay away from people I love? How would I feel the first time I looked in the mirror at my bald head? (My hair did fall out, and Lowell says I look really cute bald. As with most things, fear was worse than the event.)
Fourth – CONFUSION: or “questioning.” WE PRAYED (her emphasis) about chemo. We had faith for healing but we kept sensing that God wanted me to go through the chemo for several reasons. He spoke to me that “Some things are not accomplished quickly or easily,” and I knew that a part of it was what suffering builds into us in the area of compassion. But after we made the decision we began to receive calls, books and articles from people who loved us – telling us about alternative methods of treatment. The more I read the more confused I became. There was so much information out there that I became overwhelmed. What if I made the wrong decision. FEAR BEGAN TO REPLACE FAITH… AND CONFUSION WAS OVERWHELMING MY CONFIDENCE. Then God began to use some of my friends to bring things back into focus. I was given Proverbs 4:25-27: “Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.” Even though I knew chemo was not the easiest choice I knew it was what I needed to do, and I also knew that God would go through it with me … with leads to the next stage.
Fifth – ACCEPTANCE. I trusted God and I knew He was in control of my life. I also knew that I had cancer, and there was nothing I could do about it. It’s at this point that we are facing a crossroad. We can either go into “depression,” which will immobilize us … or we can choose to be “proactive.” The depressed person will give up and say it’s useless to fight, but the proactive person will decide to fight for the things they believe in. I believe in a God that loves me and promises to never leave me or forsake me.
Sixth – there’s one last STAGE … one of my own making. I’m EXCITED about what God is going to do in and through me … and us … because of this cancer that He couldn’t do with a normal, healthy life. He’s going to build things into my character through suffering. This scripture is all about what I want my attitude to be: (1 Peter 4:7, 8, 11-13) “7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins …11 … so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.”
December 12, 1998
Woke up again this morning singing, “Thank You, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank You, Lord, for making me whole. Thank You, Lord, for giving to me Thy great salvation so full and free.”
I know that God’s in control and is able to keep us through any circumstances. I asked Him to give me a song again, and He did.
Lowell and I remind each other to keep our eyes focused on Him and spend time in prayer every day.
December 23, 1998
This has been a tough week emotionally and spiritually. When Lowell is weak it makes me feel very weak and insecure. We’re struggling with intimacy, and it’s very much related to the cancer, particularly the physical marks of it – scars, no hair. It’s just a phase we have to get past, like I did with him years ago. I know it’s hard, and it’s very uncomfortable for both of us.
In just weeks Vicki’s appearance did dramatically change. We both acknowledged the changes, and talked about how we were feeling. Once, in frustration, Vicki sobbed, “There is no makeup on the market for this!” When she looked in the mirror, she didn’t like what she saw. Once she said she felt like she had returned to the Ugly Duckling days of elementary and junior high school.
We explored everything as openly as we could. Surprise, surprise – we both had sexual desires. I even admitted to Vicki that I was struggling, off and on, with her appearance, too. I explained that I was still emotionally and spiritually drawn to her, but that sometimes I felt like I was living with another woman. Her new physical appearance was something I never anticipated. She knew that; she was so gracious as the reasons for my discomfort came out.
It wasn’t long before Vicki went from being a vibrant, sensual marriage partner to one that was physically weak and scarred by multiple surgeries. And when we were intimate there were those constant reminders of the cancer’s presence – the little, sharp pains that had a chilling effect on our lovemaking.
No one warned us of the challenges that cancer, with chemotherapy treatments, brings into the bedroom.
I was totally unaware there were websites that addressed some of our bedroom issues.
We continued to make love while altering our expectations. Things changed. We adjusted. Our sex life was still playful, but it seemed more fulfilling because our love life had become more tender and meaningful.[122] We learned to avoid painful positions for one thing. And as we got on the same wavelength concerning our expectations, God blessed us with a different kind of intimacy. There was now a kind of “depth” we had not experienced before in our marriage.
That was a good surprise.
