Grounding

Cancer – The Battle For Life

 

19.  Grounding

 

“The term ‘grounding’ is used in dancing, but many dancers still have a hard time understanding this word.  Basically if you can picture yourself walking across an ice rink, most people will try to walk across the ice so that they don’t slip and fall.  When dancing you want to place your feet on the dance floor like you don’t want to let them slip.  Accomplishing this requires pressing your center into the ground over top your feet …

This grounding technique will make your footwork cleaner and your balance more solid.” [108]

 

 

Vicki walked on clouds from April ‘til September.  I joined her.  We just couldn’t stop smiling.

Chris had graduated in June and had chosen to attend Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee.  He planned to leave mid-August.  As a graduation gift we all chipped in and bought him a new kayak.  The rest of June and July he worked a new job, literally on the James River, teaching 9 to 12 year olds how to kayak and rock climb for a very special camp.

Over the summer Brandon became a completely different person - a new person!  It was like he was born again.  The guilt over past deeds, and the destructive habits that fueled those deeds, seemed to melt away.  Everyday he became more and more free – light as a feather rather than burdened by sin.  The drinking and drugging stopped.  His language changed. 

Mealtimes were raucous and filled with laughter.  Family conversations were meaningful, with everyone participating.  The food never tasted sweeter.

Trinity was healthy, too.  The leadership was unified, my staff was functioning on all cylinders, and everything we did seemed to succeed.  The people who had been with us for years and had helped carry our burdens were rejoicing with us.

Vicki described how she felt sometime in June, 1998 this way:

“It’s like I’m standing on a hilltop in Austria.  The sun is shining on my face, but I feel no heat.  The temperature is perfect.  My head is upturned, and I’m looking toward heaven.  My bare feet feel the coolness of the grass, and my arms are outstretched.  I’m dancing.  I’m Sister Maria in The Sound of Music, and I’m singing, ‘These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!’”

 

For the first time in almost four years there was nothing hanging over our heads or weighing us down.  Finally Vic and I felt our family was grounded.  We were feeling secure, stable, balanced, and at peace. 

When it comes to The Dance of Life, stability is everything; “… that sense of being able to maintain [a] mental state of calmness and composure.”[109] 

Some anticipated tears were shed in mid-August, when Chris left for Lee.  As his Honda Prelude disappeared from view, Vic and I walked back up the hill to our house hand in hand.  We sat on our sofa and talked about how we had prepared Chris for just such a day.  He was going to college to prepare for his future ministry … and he would be five hundred miles from Richmond.  Joy and sorrow flooded our hearts.

Then, just a few days after Chris left for school, Brandon received a special invitation to attend a yearlong Christian training program in Liverpool, England.  We all knew that the opportunity was perfect, well suited to bring him some much-needed discipline.  More tears joy-sorrow tears came, but when Brandon left in mid-September we felt all was right in the world.

Just not comfortable.

Vicki had been feeling a few sharp pains in her abdomen during those tearful four weeks, from mid-August to mid-September.  She chalked them up to stress brought on by all the changes taking place in our home.  Her menstrual cycle had been a little unusual, too, but with all that had been going on she hadn’t made time to see her doctor. 

In late September Vic finally had an appointment with Dr. Warren Broocker, her gynecologist.  He was someone she had come to trust completely over the years.  Even so, when he suggested outpatient surgery we were caught off-guard.  He explained that during the exam he sensed Vicki’s uterus was not healthy.  He called it “pre-cancerous.”  He recommended that she consider a partial hysterectomy to head off serious trouble in the future. 

She made the appointment with outpatient surgery at Johnston-Willis Hospital.

Another crisis was now crouching at our door, and yet a calm settled over our lives.  The word we choose to explain how we felt was “grounded.”  For the next week Vicki read up on the effects a hysterectomy would have on her forty-five year old body – the hormonal and life-style changes – and went about her business.  There was no panic.  There was peace.

Good thing.

On October 10, 1998, after the surgery she wrote:

What an eventful week!  On Friday, October 2, I went in to have a simple vaginal “partial hysterectomy” to remove a pre-cancerous uterus.  That changed when Dr. Broocker discovered a tumor on the outside wall of my uterus that proved to be cancerous.  He called in Dr. Charles Jones, a gynecological oncologist who just happens to be [a] Christian!

They both decided to remove [not only] my uterus [but also my] ovaries and [fallopian] tubes, appendix, and two lymph nodes (to check them for cancer).

I remember coming around after the anesthesia wore off and meeting Dr. Jones.  He described my situation.  I had the instant thought that even in this God was in control.  I leaned over to Lowell and simply said, “God is in control.” 

I didn’t realize that hours before I woke up God had already been speaking peace to Lowell’s heart.  As he had come to my room (before I came down from recovery) he began to sing praises to God and feel His presence and love in the room.

 

I told Vicki about my experience that afternoon – how I had waited for two hours in the outpatient surgery waiting room (after I had been told it would only be a forty-five minute wait).  I told her how Dr. Broocker had introduced me to Dr. Jones:  “he’s a gynecological oncologist.”  I told her how the word oncologist had punched me right between the eyes.  I told her how I had somehow stumbled from the waiting room to her room.  I told Vicki about how I could only pray simple, childish prayers like, “Help, God” and “Tell me what to do, God.”  (see Chapter 1 – Who’s In Charge?)

I also told her about a short visit from our friend, Alan Crostic.  Alan, for as long as I had known him, always had a sun-beaming, light-up-the-room smile complemented by a hearty laugh.  He’s the kind of guy you’d want visiting you in the hospital.  He had come to the hospital expecting to visit Vicki after “minor surgery.”  After all, that’s what we had told our friends. 

Through the fog of my first desperate prayers I heard Alan walk into the room.  He was carrying some flowers … yellow roses, I think.  (They had to be.  Yellow roses were among Vicki’s favorite flowers, and he knew that.)  He had come to cheer us up.

But Allan sensed something different about the atmosphere in the room … something unexpected.  Thank God for sensitive people.  There aren’t enough of them to go around sometimes.  Alan was one of those perceptive, insightful people.  Being a realtor, he had honed great people skills over the years.  He put the flowers on a table, walked over, put his big arms around my shoulder, prayed a thirty-second passionate prayer, and kissed me on the cheek  Then he left.

I don’t remember one single word of Alan’s prayer, but I knew God had shown up in that room.  (I told Alan weeks later that I had thought after he left, “That must have been an angel in Alan’s body.”)  It was shortly after he left I began to sing an old hymn, “It Is Well With My Soul.”[110]

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll,

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 

On October 10, 1998 Vicki continued,

The next few days were not very pleasant physically … but every time I woke up I felt a sense of gratitude to God for who He is and all He does.  I remember thinking how odd it was to feel gratitude in the middle of all this, but I knew God was with me, watching over me.  It never occurred to me that first week to ask “why” because I knew that somehow God was in control of it all.  I knew that Satan hadn’t managed to sneak in the back door and pull something over on God while He wasn’t paying attention.

God has proven over and over again that He loves Lowell and me, and He is guiding our steps.  I don’t need any more proof.  I just need to trust in what I already know!

This morning while I was praying and listening to the song, “Lamb of God,” God spoke to my heart.  I recalled all the pain and suffering that Jesus went through the day of His crucifixion.  God said to me, “Some things aren’t accomplished quickly or easily.”

I realized that as much as God loved His Son, Jesus, there was no easy, painless way for [Jesus] to accomplish what His death on the Cross accomplished.  And I knew that He loved me so much that there had to be a purpose in Him allowing me to walk through this.  There is something that He wants to accomplish IN and THROUGH me that couldn’t be done with a quick, instant healing. 

God could have [sent] 10,000 angels to remove Christ from the Cross … and that same God could have easily healed me before the surgery … but just like He allowed Christ to go through all that agony for a specific purpose, so He is allowing me to through this for His glory and His purposes.

Just two weeks ago, on our way to “Awake America” in Charlotte, North Carolina, I told Lowell that I felt such a sense of urgency … that my life needed to “count” for eternity and make an impact on eternal things.  I was ready to grow up and get really serious for God.  I wanted God to do whatever it took to be able to use me in these “last days.”  I guess He took me seriously!

Let’s go, God!  I’m ready! [111]

We also found out on Thursday (October 8) that they found cancer in both ovaries, which means that I not only had endometrial cancer but ovarian cancer.  The good news is that they found no trace of cancer in my lymph nodes.  Hopefully that means that they got it all!

 

Neither Vicki nor I knew anything about ovarian cancer.  We were playing information catch up.  We’d go on an Internet search and come to something like this:

“Historically, ovarian cancer has been called the ‘silent killer’ because symptoms often became apparent so late in the process that chances of a cure were poor.

“A catchy phrase, but it is wrong, according to a consensus statement released by the American Cancer Society, the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation, and the Society of Gynecologic Oncologists.  In fact, these experts say, recent medical studies show identifiable symptoms often do exist for ovarian cancer, even in the early stages.  The most common of these are:  bloating, pelvic or abdominal pain, trouble eating or feeling full quickly, and urinary symptoms, such as urgent or frequent feelings of needing to go.  (For more information, including other, less common symptoms, please read ‘How Is Ovarian Cancer Diagnosed? Signs and Symptoms of Ovarian Cancer’ in the ACS Detailed Guide to Ovarian Cancer.) 

“Symptoms such as the ones listed above are, of course, relatively common and occur with any number of ailments.  In fact, they are more likely to be due to causes other than ovarian cancer.  But when their occurrence is unusual, when they are present almost daily, and when they last for more than a few weeks, they should prompt a woman to see a doctor, preferably a gynecologist, the cancer groups recommend.

“Better safe than sorry, statistics suggest, because when ovarian cancer is diagnosed early, the chance for a cure is much better.

“The American Cancer Society estimates there will be 22,430 new cases of ovarian cancer in 2007 in the United States.  While 93% of women diagnosed with early stage ovarian cancer will survive 5 years or more, and most of them will be cured, only 19% of ovarian cancers are found at that early stage, before they have spread outside the ovary.  As a result, ovarian cancer ranks fifth in cancer deaths among women and accounts for more deaths than any other cancer of the female reproduction system.  It is estimated that there will be about 15,280 deaths from ovarian cancer in the United States during 2007.”[112]

 

We were getting other kinds of information, too … information that was inspiring and uplifting.

Beth Mitten gave me a great Scripture that I feel is going to sustain me through whatever the weeks and months ahead hold.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV) – “Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”[113]

The story of how God led us to Dr. Jones is amazing.  My surgery was being performed at Johnston-Willis Hospital when Dr. Broocker asked his nurse to page Dr. Jones who was at Henrico Doctors Hospital.  [Dr. Jones] drove the 30 minutes to join Dr. B. in surgery and consult with him on what to remove, etc.  [Dr. Jones] later told us that Dr. B. has never referred a patient to him before (even though we’ve heard that Dr. Jones is considered one of the top gynecological oncologists on the east coast!).  Jones was very surprised to get the call, and feels that God led us together.  His and his partner are committed Christians who believer in miracles and in praying for their patients.  We are so thrilled to have him advising us concerning chemotherapy and follow-up treatment.

 

Maybe you’ve noticed that wooden bar that runs around the wall of dance studios.  It’s a little higher than waist height.  I’ve watched as dancers come in to do their pre-class warm-ups, and without fail grab hold of the wooden bar, referred to as “the barre.”  It’s there to help the dancer find or adjust his or her balance.

For Vicki, the barre she grabbed hold of during times of uncertainty was 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.  The words were especially settling.  “Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Had Vicki not been balanced, or grounded in the Word of God, she confessed that the revelation that cancer had invaded her body could have driven her into a deep depression – and a hole so deep she might never have climbed out of.  But instead of going and staying down she exercised her faith – the faith that had been forged and tempered in her spirit long before its battle testing.

The ups and downs of The Three Amigos.  Every conflicted relationship solution.  All the financial pressures.  The provision of God.  Every instance of marital conflict over a twenty-five year period.  Every disappointment.  Every dream come true.  All of it served to prepare her for what was happing now and about to happen.

Now the curtain was up, and Vicki was center stage.  The prima ballerina, now trained,  was about to begin multiple pirouettes – the double, triple and quadruple spins that wow the crowds and set beginners and veterans apart.  The spotlights were now trained on her.  The cast was assembled and positioned to play their supporting roles.

I’ve always wondered how ballet dancers kept from getting dizzy when they’re doing all those spins.  Their secret is spotting.[114]  They fix their eyes on something, spin 360o once, snap their heads around, and reconcentrate on that one thing.  If they lose their concentration they may lose their lunch.

From October 15th on, Vicki would “spot” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.  She tried to keep her eyes fixed, but like the verse says, not on the seen, but the unseen. 

Many times she would announce after a session of reading God’s Word that she once again felt “balanced.”  Her journal now became the outlet God intended it to become when He inspired Vicki to start writing in 1982.  Her journal became the anchor point she would return to when her memory needed refreshing and her spirits raised.

October 21-22, 1998

God is speaking to us in so many ways … and yet there is still confusion as to whether to go with chemotherapy or the unconventional nutritional therapy.

 

Vicki confessed that whenever she read or heard anything about cancer treatment options, confusion would creep into her thoughts.

I thought I had a peace concerning chemo, but then began receiving books and articles on other treatments.  It all felt so overwhelming – so much to read … so much research to do … so many decisions to make.  What is the best choice … the wisest choice?  There’s so much at stake if I make the wrong choice.  Not only my life and comfort, but also the faith of so many others that look to me for leadership.  What if I let them down?  What if I can’t figure out the “right” choice?  Fear began to replace faith, and confusion was overwhelming my confidence.

 

I remember many confused and fear-filled days after this entry.  Vicki would search the internet, read medical trade journals, listen to testimonials, and query her doctors.  She didn’t want to make “uninformed decisions.”  However, some internet sites would suggest one set of treatments and the next would earnestly oppose the same set.  Some medical journals would enthusiastically promote one regimen of chemotherapy and another respected journal would gravely (and diametrically) contradict the same regimen.

Advice was no less confusing in the Christian community.  Some people (who didn’t have cancer, or had never faced a life-threatening disease) would counsel us that EVERY human treatment was wrong, wrong, wrong.  They’d attempt to throw a blanket of guilt over our souls if we dared consider “man’s ways.”   Other earnest, faith-filled believers would say that God was the provider of every chemotherapy drug (from carboplatin[115] to Taxol[116]) along with the wisdom doctors used to perform intricate surgeries and prescribe treatments.

No matter what Vicki chose to do, the choice was hers alone.  And every choice meant Life or Death.

Spotting God’s Word, hearing His voice, and receiving His wisdom grounded her.