Water Ballet

17.  Water Ballet

 

“The man who is swimming against the stream knows

the strength of it.”[102]

 

“It’s only when the tide goes out that you discover

who’s been swimming naked.”[103]

 

Sometimes Vic and I felt like we were swimming upstream.  Other times we felt carried along by the current … just drifting along.

Here’s something to think about:  synchronized swimming.  Wouldn’t that be a fitting analogy for a healthy marriage?

First, let me say, I think synchronized swimming is a hoot!  When I think about it, the first images that come to my mind are those of powerful Amazons – muscular, smiling maidens vanishing without a ripple in an Olympic pool.

Other images of the sport include long hair tied up in tight buns, excessive waterproof makeup, and nose clips firmly clamped on nostrils.  It’s said to be a hybrid of swimming and gymnastics.  It really is a tough sport, demanding first-rate water skills, strength, endurance, flexibility, grace, artistry and precise timing, not to mention exceptional breath control while attempting to swim upside down underwater.  All that, and sticking to the music, too.  That’s right.  There’s music involved.

Synchronized swimming is known by another name.  Water ballet.  What a beautiful idea.  Wouldn’t water ballet be an even better analogy for marriage?  Can’t you see it – a fluid duet –  synchronized and loving partners gracefully swimming through life, sticking to the music, always flexible, all the while powerfully supporting each another in order to win the gold?

In the spring of 1997, if Vicki and I had been participants in water ballet we would have drowned.

April 12, 1997

I have to talk to someone – but there is no one…so I’ll talk to You, Lord.

Just when I feel I’m getting a grip on my emotions with this situation with my son, something else comes up and I feel like I’m losing it.  It feels like I’m so alone in handling all this.  I feel guilty “dumping” my emotions on my husband.  He’s got so much on his plate already and his philosophy these days is…”If you can’t offer a solution, then don’t bring it up to me.” 

That probably works well in business but it’s hell in a personal relationship! 

Lowell wants to be supportive and he tries to let me know how much he loves me, but lately it feels like so many empty words.  He spends so much time at the office and when he is home he seems so impatient.  He NEEDS for home to be a place of solace and peace, but how do I create peace when it isn’t there?  How do I ignore all the chaos that’s going on around us?  How do I swallow and go on as if all is well when I’m hurting so much inside?

Most days I can keep it just beneath the surface and handle the everyday functions of life.  But it seems like the smallest thing will bring it all up and the tears flow so easily.  I want to be in control of my emotions.  I want to be in control of my life – but I’m not! 

A current far stronger than my ability to swim is sweeping me along.  I can keep my head above water for most of the time, but every once in a while I’ll be thrown against a rock or an undercurrent will pull me down and I’ll feel like I’m surely going to drown.  But, eventually, I’ll come up for air again, only to be swept further downstream.

Even when my head is above water, I have no control over the power of the water around me.  It has a force of its own and it has no regard for anything or anyone that gets in its way.  I have no idea how far it will carry me, or what I’ll find when I finally drag myself onto solid ground.  Where will I be?  Who will I be?

When we first entered the river, he and I were together, holding onto one another, giving strength and encouragement to each other.  But somewhere along the way we were torn apart.  One particularly hard jolt against a rock may have done it, or maybe it was just the weariness of the journey.  Maybe we felt we could navigate better on our own.  All I know is that it’s very lonely now.  I can see him off in the distance and I know we’ll eventually meet up again, but I don’t know when.

Sometimes he’s so close I could easily reach out and grab hold of him, but he seems so busy keeping himself afloat that I feel I shouldn’t add my weight to his.  He’s already carrying other people and helping them stay afloat.  He’s so strong and there are so many others that have grabbed onto him.  People that really would drown without his support are clinging to him.  I think that I can make it without him for a little longer, so I float away – but not too far.  I’m afraid if I let myself get too far away I might forget how to find my way back.

Not too long ago, I fought my way back to him and for some reason most of the others had dropped off.  He swam hard toward me and we found new strength and comfort in each other’s arms.  It felt so good to feel the hope and strength that being together brought.  But eventually the others found their way back to him and as they surrounded him it became impossible to hold on. 

I want so desperately to make it on my own.  I don’t want to need him or anyone else.  I don’t want to need my children – but I do.

I can remember when we were all together in the peaceful waters.  They were laughing and playing and they stayed close to my side.  They were afraid to wander too far away because we had been careful to warn them of the power and danger of the river.  But now they’re not afraid.  Instead, it calls to them and they long to explore every part of the river for themselves.  They know that along with the danger comes excitement and the lure of the unknown calls them.  Sometimes I lose sight of one of them altogether and my instinct to protect them rises up inside of me.  I swim towards them with all my might, only to stop, exhausted, at the end of the day, hoping and praying that they’ll be strong enough to make it on their own.  I feel empty inside and so cold.  I long for the calm, laughing, sunny days and I fear that they’ll never return.

I have to learn to swim alone.  I have to survive.  I know God has helped me make it this far and I know He has a warm bed and a wonderful feast prepared for me at the end of the journey.  I have to remember that I can always hold onto Him, even when everyone else is far away.

 

A week later we weren’t in sync, but Vic came up for air.  But when she came up, I went under the surface – sucking in water and wondering if I’d make it another moment, or another day.

On April 17, 1997 Vicki realized I was headed in the wrong direction – revisiting the negative thinking that could take me under (into depression) again.  She prayed for me in her journal this way:

Lord, I’m really afraid.  Lowell is so unhappy.  Once again he feels so much pressure to be a “super pastor” and super dad.”  He feels You, everyone in the church, and people the community expect him to be perfect.  It’s an impossible expectation, but it’s his.

He knows I’m alarmed.  He’s trying to explain his feelings, without making matters worse for me emotionally.  One time he said that he felt like he wanted “out” – that he was going to die from the stress.

God, You’re the only one that can get through to Him.  He needs to talk to someone besides me, to help him with his unrealistic expectations … but he’s really afraid to trust anyone right now.  It seems You’re the only one who can speak to him, and show him that You can make a way for him – one day at a time.

I know this is a satanic attack.  Lowell feels so heavy (weighted down), discourage, and afraid.

To make matters worse, he got a really ugly and obscene phone call at the church yesterday.

I’m asking that You – in all Your mighty power – rebuke the spiritual forces of darkness that are attacking him, and release him once again from depression.

I know You’ll make a way.

 

And God did make a way for me, and I think He did so because of the prayers of Vicki.  In just five days, God changed my perspectives, and my outlook.  I went from focusing on the negatives to emphasizing the positives.  Vic was celebrating on April 22, 1997:

God, you’re so faithful.  Lowell’s sermon Sunday was on how You walk through the storms with us, even when we don’t feel good about it.  He seemed to be hearing the message for himself, instead of just preaching it.  And I heard it, too.

You reminded me that I’m never alone in the river.  (Isaiah 43:1-4) – “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you…because I love you.”

And you have promised that when (not IF) we stumble and grow weary, you will renew our strength.  (Isa.40:27-31) - “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak …those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles….”  Thank you, God!

 

From May 19th to the 27th we visited my sister Claudette, and her husband Gene, in Maui again, and this trip couldn’t have come at a better time.  We needed a break, and Maui provided the change of scenery that makes re-creation possible.  We toured the Ritz Carlton, watched the sun set every night, played some golf at Kapalua, hung out in Lahaina, drank coffee at the Honolua General Store, and enjoyed the beaches. 

The four of us took a short flight over to Kona – the Big Island of Hawaii – and took in the Kilauea volcano and the Volcano House Hotel, and then we went to the Orchid – a five-diamond resort.  Claudette was on Kona for business, meeting with hotel staff and arranging visits for her clients, so we were treated like royalty.  We enjoyed sumptuous meals and milk-and-cookie snacks before bedtime.

Next we were on to Kauai’ and the Princeville Resort.  Claudette arranged for us to stay at the Hanalei Bay, where we had a magnificent view of the Na Pali Coast.  It was so beautiful, “… we couldn’t take it all in,” Vicki wrote.

Even getting seasick couldn’t ruin our fun.  We took a Zodiac boat tour around the Na Pali Coast, where we saw sea turtles, spinner dolphins, waterfalls, and black sand beaches.  Vicki and Claudette tried to stay focused on the beauty but the very, very rough seas took their toll.  The girls longed for solid ground, and were ready to snorkel.

One of the highlights of our trip took place back on Maui.  Kumulani Chapel was Claudette and Gene’s spiritual family.  This unique church met in a golf cart “barn” on the grounds of the Ritz Carlton in Kapalua.  The building was open on two sides, and was large enough to seat 400.  It wasn’t unusual to have a tough time getting a seat at Kumulani because the regulars welcomed numerous tourists weekly.   Our visits there were great.

Vicki wrote on Tuesday, May 27, 1997:

I’m so impressed with God’s creative genius, and His great love for all of us – every people group in the entire world.  I’m reminded that He loves each human being that lives and has ever lived, and He wants us to know Him and be in intimate relationship with Him.  He’s big enough to “hold the whole world in His hands,” and yet number every hair on my head.  That’s impressive!

While I feel so rested (as does Lowell – whew!  Our time here couldn’t have come at a better time!), and yet I know that God’s given us this time of re-creation so we can get back to doing what He wishes, fulfilling His plans for our lives.  I’m not frantic about working for Him, serving His interests.  I don’t feel obligated because I’m afraid of Him, or because I might offend or disappoint Him.  No … I love Him.  I love God!  And He delights in me.  He loves me so much He made Maui!  Ha!

Lowell and I feel so loved and valued by God, and so spoiled right now.  After I’ve written so much over the years (I’ve had a chance to reread some of my journals while here), I’m a little taken aback by now up and down I’ve been over my life.  But … BUT … I’ve been honest.  I haven’t held back.  If I’ve been hurt, I’ve said so.  If I’ve been happy, I’ve said so. 

Boy, I hope this journal doesn’t fall into the “wrong” hands.  Ha!!

I feel like Lowell and I have fallen in love all over again.  I feel like he really values me again … and that he wants to protect me.  I love it.  My fear is gone now, today … and I feel secure.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m going to hold onto this … these memories and this time … as long as possible.

It’s so good to see him so happy and relaxed.  He was kidding around, saying that we should take a trip to Maui at least once a month.  He’s such a goof ball.  But really, I have a desire to escape to Maui as many times as we can.  Claudette and Gene have been our best friends in years past, and it’s important to stay connected to them.  But I have another reason for wanting to come back.  Lowell “needs” these kinds of break-aways.  He’s so intense, passionate, and driven.  He needs “down times” that match the energy he expends the rest of the year.

God is so good, and we so much to be thankful for. 

Lord, please don’t take this as ingratitude for the time we’ve been here … but could you make it possible for us to return, often?  I love it.  Maui is my FAVORITE place in the entire world.  But, even more importantly, Lowell needs Maui.  (And if not Maui, he requires time away from Richmond, and the stresses of everyday life.  If not here, help us get creative when it comes to our down time … so he won’t get so down!)

 

When I read those words years later, in her presence, Vicki just smiled this knowing smile.

When we returned from Maui this time, it wasn’t long before we had yet another British invasion – Dave Connolly returned with a different team. Vicki wrote about their visit on Thursday, June 12, 1997:

We had a great service last night with Dave and his team, and we have an expectation that God is going to continue doing what He began last year.  It’s been two years since our first encounter with Dave.  We’ve since met his wife, Julie, and we love them so much.

Lowell saw himself on top of a mountain in his imagination.  He was at the very top, where if he went one way or the other he’s start to descend.  He went over one edge and started running down the mountain.  He picked up speed, and his legs couldn’t keep up.  He started to stumble and fall … and he stretched out his hands to catch himself.  But when he stretched out his arms he began to feel an updraft.  In no time he was not falling but soaring!  He was flying along, “on eagle’s wings.”  I’m glad he shared it with me.  It’s a great picture of where we both feel we are, spiritually.

God’s Spirit is moving over our people now.  Dave compared the way our church was behaving like a woman about to give birth.  No matter where she is, if her water breaks, she knows the birth is coming – and she can’t do a thing to stop it.  Even if she’s afraid, there’s no turning back.  Her time of delivery has come.

When Dave talked about Trinity, using those terms, I got excited.  I wonder what the next weeks and months will bring?

Oh, and things are so wonderful with Lowell and me!

I feel like I have my romantic, wonderful husband back after a long, long time.  I no longer feel like that powerful river is pulling us farther and farther apart.  Tonight I saw us in the river together again, but this time we had on life jackets that were tied together – not too close, but close enough to feel secure.  The river was as powerful as ever but I was no longer afraid of its power.  There was life and excitement and anticipation in the water.  

There were so many other people in the water around us.  Many of them didn’t have life jackets and were calling out to us to help them.  Together, we were throwing life jackets to them as fast as we could.  Lowell and I was each busy helping different people, but a strong rope attached us to each other. 

This incredible, powerful river is sweeping us along, but there’s no fear because God is in the river.  In fact, God IS the river!

Psalm 46:4,5 – “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.  God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”

 

July 2, 1997:

In prayer, I’m asking God to help me change and expand and become more like Him.  I have such a hunger to make a difference in His Kingdom, but I know I have to move far beyond where I’ve been. 

I’m 43 years old now.  I asked God for a “key” to how I can pursue this change, and Him … for the rest of my life.  I wasn’t expecting the answer I got back.  It came out of the blue:  “Don’t be surprised if I send people to you with words of correction, telling you of ways you’ve hurt or disappointed them.  Listen to what they say, and come back to Me in prayer.  I’ll either tell you that they were right to say what they did (constructive criticism), or I’ll tell you they were acting on their own – out of their anger (destructive criticism).”

I guess this growth/maturation process is not going to be easy.  Breaking out of my protective cocoon will be very hard work, but I know I’ll be like a butterfly … I’ll emerge from the process and be beautiful in God’s eyes.  I’ll be pleasing to Him if I don’t give up.

All the PAIN, CONFUSION, WORK, and TEARS of the past four years have been leading up to this.  God has been recreating me, so that I might become a vessel that He can use for His purposes.  I was created to do great and mighty things for God, and I’m so eager to discover what they will be … but my childishness must give way to maturity.

It won’t be long now!

 

July 20, 1997 (Our Twenty-fourth Wedding Anniversary)

Lowell and I were talking about how discouraging it can be to always feel that you’re taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back in the Lord.  Suddenly, I had a picture of an escalator that was going down.  The down escalator represented our human nature after sin came into the world.  Our “nature” is constantly pulling us down but, as Christians, we know that God wants us to oppose the old nature and move upwards, towards Him.  I pictured myself walking UP on this “down” escalator. 

God calls us to walk against the tide – the pull of our old nature – but it takes constant effort.  If we let down our concentration for a while, the escalator will carry us down.  We don’t even realize it until we look around (because it “feels” like we’re standing still, not digressing).  But you can never “stand still” in Christ.  The power of our old nature is still in us to pull us down unless we strive to move toward God every day. 

There are some days when we have such a fresh encounter with God that we’re running up the escalator and making great progress.  He gives us the energy to run, and we are hardly aware of the downward pull.  Our energy to move against the pull of the downward movement comes directly from Him.  I think the times that we find ourselves slipping backwards are the times we are trying to walk on our own … without His power.  We need His energy every day if we intend to keep moving toward Him – or even to stay in the same spot!

Today I determine anew to spend time with You every day, Lord.

 

August 21, 1997

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

“… The God who gives life to the dead, and calls things that are not as though they were …” (Romans 4:17b and Genesis 1:3)

Those words were made alive to me by Your Holy Spirit last night as Troy Mitten [our youth pastor at the time] spoke on the power of our words.

Our words have the power of Your Spirit behind them because Your Spirit dwells in us.  That makes what we say very important.

I need to choose my words more carefully – this is a much-needed change.  When I speak my doubts and negative thoughts, I may actually be causing them to materialize in someone else’s heart and mind.

I want You, O Lord, to speak Your Words and Your Thoughts through me – not my own.

The Bible says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another … and whatever you do, whether in WORD or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” (Colossians 3:16, 17)

 

Vicki had a sense that she had to grow up.

No person can spiritually mature without contact with other people, and so it was the people in Vicki’s life who provided ample opportunity for growth.  When I was difficult, or a friend’s behavior challenged her, she would sigh and, under her breath but never quiet enough to not be heard, she’d whisper, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)