A Road Less Traveled
16. A Road Less Traveled
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”[97]
For about one year once again Vicki didn’t journal, at least not the handwritten variety. I remember those months vividly; they were days and weeks filled with distractions. Vicki was constantly busy. When she wasn’t putting in her twenty-five hours a week working at the bank, she was pouring her life into the Women Of the Word. Her head would touch the pillow at night, and she’d be out in seconds.
My year was crammed, too. During the boys’ school year I was driving Brandon across town, to and from his special high school, and cheering Chris on in his first significant year of wrestling. And Trinity seemed to be on a fast track of growth in every category. We were getting used to our new building, hitting some exciting attendance numbers, and maintaining an attitude of total dependence upon God.
It seemed like everything was clicking – we seemed to be in great shape as a family.
Things drastically and painfully changed in early August, and Vicki began to journal again as a result.
August 5, 1996
We made one of the toughest decisions of our lives yesterday. Lowell and I agreed to call the police, and they arrested Brandon for possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.
Brandon’s been out of control for a while now, and after an hour of agonizing prayer and conversation (at 2 AM on Sunday morning), we felt we had no other option. We had repeatedly told him that our house was “a sanctuary,” our special retreat – where we could hide away as a family, to get away from all the junk in the world. It was our safe place, so nothing dangerous, immoral, or illegal could be brought into it. When we knew Brandon wasn’t getting it (after finding stuff from time to time), we told him that we would have to call the police. We explained our reasons again, to make sure he understood the gravity of what we had decided.
At 4 AM the police left Brandon in our custody. They told us that the detention center was full at the time, there was no room to hold our son, and that he should consider himself under arrest.
Brandon left home a little later in the early morning.
Our hearts are breaking, but God is faithful, as always. (Even as the police were coming, I began praying in the Spirit, and my fear and doubt were replaced by peace and calm assurance that God was in control.)
When Lowell got up at 6 AM he sensed something was wrong, so he went downstairs to Brandon’s room. Empty. Lowell didn’t wake me, but went to the living room and fell on the floor, sobbing. He blamed himself for Brandon running away from home. God responded to his broken heart by taking him to Luke 15 – the story that Jesus told of the son who left home (the Prodigal Son).
Sunday afternoon Lowell prayed again, asking God to give him the heart of the father of the prodigal son – always looking hopefully down the road for him to return home. God spoke to him that even though Brandon has left our home he has begun his journey back to God.
Another thing that God showed me last night was that He also had a tough decision to make when He sent His Son into the world. He knew He was sending Jesus into great hardship and suffering. It wasn’t a “good” thing for Christ to have to go through, but He also knew the end result would be well worth the pain. Jesus suffered on the Cross, and also being separated from His Father for 33 years (an eternal first for Him). He took on our humanity in order to bring us home, along with many others, to spend eternity with Him.
We believe that Brandon is going to bring many others with him when he returns “home” – to Christ.
Again, the Advisory Council was so supportive last night. They met with Lowell and me. We told them what happened. They joined us in grieving for Brandon, and shared our pain. We all felt sure God would be with us through this time of heartache and tough decisions.
What would we do without our church family?
Brent Hanson spoke last night, and God touched us … He gave us a greater compassion for the lost.
Chris leaves for the Washington, D.C. mission trip today.
Even some of our closest friends wondered aloud if we had done the right thing, calling the police on Brandon. The “our-home-is-our-sanctuary” idea didn’t resonate very well with anyone … even our parents. They backed us up in most respects, but still they asked us, “Couldn’t you come up with another response instead of dropping the hammer so hard?”
If I had it to do over, I don’t think I would have called the police. Knowing what I know now. In hindsight, our stand backfired. It didn’t have its intended affect on Brandon’s heart and mind. Our principled response to his lack of restraint struck Brandon as 100% legalistic and 0% loving. To him, we were stupid religious fanatics – graceless and cruel. It didn’t matter that we had repeatedly laid down the law, and clearly communicated our boundaries for months. Not to Brandon.
The word that kept rolling over and over in our minds that tear-filled night, when we were agonizing over what to do, was “enabling.” The question that haunted us was, “Are we enabling our son?” We thought if we gave in one more time we’d be doing just that. We felt the lesson Brandon would learn was that we didn’t mean what we said. He seemed to be saying to us every chance he got was, “I am going to do whatever I want. I will satisfy my desires and feed my lusts, and there are to be no consequences.”
But on the night in question we didn’t have the benefit of hindsight. We sincerely believed bringing in the police was the right thing to do.
August 7, 1996
Three days have passed with no word from Brandon.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster – trusting God one hour, and questioning our decision to turn him in to the police the next. There are parents who think we’re abusing Brandon, but they don’t know our hearts. We love him so much! We believe that that he will come out of this, whole and beautiful. He has such a tender heart for people, and such great leadership abilities. We know he’s going to do wonderful things with his life – no matter what he chooses to do, one day. I just don’t want to wait.
Psalm 27:14 is so hard to do – “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
God is so faithful to encourage us. The song, “Everything Is In His Hands” keeps going through my mind. I even woke up singing it this morning. I know that He will take this chaos and turn it into something beautiful, and it will all serve a great purpose. I just want to learn whatever I’m supposed to during this time.
My prayer: protect Brandon from death. Bring him back to us, and back to You, quickly. Bring back that beautiful smile, to his heart and his face.
Also, protect and bless Chris this week as he’s in D.C. ministering on the streets. Open his eyes to the thrill of evangelism. Give him a passion for souls, and increase his commitment to You. Bless him abundantly.
Another word from God – “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has give us.” (Romans 5:2-5)
Brandon stayed gone for a month. He was punishing us for drawing that line in the sand.
August 14, 1996
Still no word from Brandon, but God is good. He is strengthening us daily.
Chris heard through the grapevine, early on (around August 8th), that Brandon hadn’t left town and that he wasn’t planning to.
In spite of our misgivings now Vicki wrote then,
August 23, 1996
God peace is so amazing. The calmness He has provided to me can only be from above. Very rarely have I felt anxious because I sense that God is working out His plan in Brandon’s life, even through this.
We haven’t been searching frantically for him because we feel that he will come home when the time is right for him and for us.
God is working on us daily, preparing our hearts for the reunion. Lowell wants desperately to have the heart of the Prodigal Son’s father. We want to be tender and loving – not angry and resentful. We do struggle with those feelings because he’s hurting us so deeply, but we have to show him great love … and still retain boundaries.
God will give us the wisdom to know wheat to say and do when we confront Brandon. We have so many decisions to make, and we want very much what best for him. He is so valuable to us – priceless really. That’s why it’s so important for us to hear from God on this. Only God can heal the pain in his heart. We could complicate or even negate what God wants to do by being rash, self-centered, or mean.
Look what God gave me! I know He won’t fail us. Isaiah 43:5-8 – “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will bring your children from the east …” and Isaiah 44:3-5 – “I will pour out My Spirit o your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants …” Wow!
Chris returned from his first mission trip – the one to D.C. He LOVED IT!! It was such a profitable time for him, and I know it will be one of many missions trips for him. God is going to use his wonderful personality and many gifts and talents. What more could a mother want?
Christopher has a huge, immeasurable love for Brandon. He told us that what he thought Brandon was doing was wrong (running away, the drugs and alcohol), and he didn’t like the fact that we called the police – but he also understood our position. He’s only sixteen, but he’s empathetic beyond his years, and he has real wisdom. God is growing him so much, and so fast. And, he told Lowell and me that he wasn’t jealous of all the time we had to focus on Brandon. Last night he reassured us that he knew he was loved, but he also understood that we had to spend a lot of time with his older brother because “it’s an emergency.”
Lowell mentioned to me that Chris wasn’t at all like the older brother in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). The older brother was really angry that he wasn’t receiving enough attention from his father and that the father was treating the Prodigal with too much kindness. Chris seems to understand better than we thought, that Brandon will need our attention in the days ahead, and he’s okay with it.
That night Lowell and I talked about not letting Chris “fall through the cracks” just because he wasn’t having a tough time. We need to make sure that we do everything we can to communicate to him how much we love him … and not just because he’s not in trouble.
Thank God for Chris. He really helped us through a tough time.
For the entire month of August, there wasn’t one day that went by that I didn’t cry. While Brandon was gone Vicki and I were in hell one day and heaven the next. The margins of our emotions shifted constantly. Chris always seemed to have something to say that was encouraging during Brandon’s absence. It must have been because his hopes never wavered.
Relief came in September.
September 2, 1996
Brandon came home yesterday afternoon. We had sent word out through the grapevine that he needed to come home before Labor Day, in time to get ready for the new school year, or he wouldn’t be able to attend. He really does want to finish out his senior year at James River High School. He came home with one day to spare.
Lowell’s prayer was answered. He did welcome Brandon home in a very loving way – with big hugs and kisses – just like the father in the Prodigal Son story. Lowell’s decided not to ask too many questions right now because he doesn’t want to worry Brandon.
Me? I’m so relieved. God kept him safe. There’s not a scratch on him. Thank You, Jesus!
When Brandon ran almost a month ago, his hair was brown, straight, and shoulder length. Yesterday he came home with “dreadlocks,” and his hair bleached white. I said to Lowell, “Well, hair can grow out and be cut off,” and he said, “Don’t count on it.” We laughed and laughed, mostly from relief.
Last night Lowell and I slept really close; we got the best night of sleep in a month.
September 9, 1996
Last week I had a very vivid dream. Lowell and I were in the house, and I looked outside and saw a huge man sharpening a large axe. He looked very evil and full of hate, and I knew he intended to kill Lowell. As I was running to warn him, the evil man burst through the door and began attacking Lowell. All Lowell had in his hand was a small hatchet, and the evil man quickly overpowered him. As he held Lowell head in a crushing grip and held the axe over his head, Lowell began crying out, “Vicki, help me! He’s killing me!” I began to hit him and throw things in his face, but he seemed too strong.
I didn’t know what this dream meant, but the next day Lowell had one of his worst days – spiritually and emotionally – in two years … since the end of his depression in December of 1994. He was overwhelmed with despair and frustration. He came home form the office exhausted, and went to bed at 7:30. He got up a few hours later and was unable to sleep.
I was very worried, and felt that the dream was a warning of some kind. I began to pray against the spiritual forces of darkness that I believe were attacking him.
The next day was a complete turnaround. He has been much better since.
After having a week to think about it, I feel that the dream was a set of warnings. (1) Our enemy is out to destroy us – both of us! He wants to destroy Lowell, as the head of Trinity, and the head of our home. (2) We are too weak to defeat our enemy on our own, and in our own strength. We weren’t prepared for him/the attack in the dream, and so we were helpless against him. We were completely overpowered because we were not prepared.
What is the key to our strength? Putting on the armor of God, as described in Ephesians 6:10-18.[98] We need to pray every day, and never let our guard down by getting lazy and/or complacent.
As God spoke to me before, every day is critical from now on. We need to pray every day for wisdom and strength. If we do, He will provide all that we need … but ONLY ONE DAY AT A TIME.
The ups and downs of August and September – the resolve and then the second-guessing – ended up making a positive difference in our lives. From those days on we knew there are no pat answers to the issues of life, and people who think there are – religious or irreligious – are only kidding themselves.
The Bible became an even more precious resource. Once again Vicki and I came to appreciate this: God’s Book contains no easy answers for life’s pain … but God has answers. We discovered anew that it contains an honest, straightforward view of life’s complexities, and that God cares deeply for all of us – enough to provide wisdom on its pages, and in its stories. He inspired its content, and He empowers those who decide to do things His way.
For us to do things God’s way we had to do a lot of “letting go.”
John Gillespie Magee, Jr. knew something of letting go. In the poem, High Flight, he captured the cry of our hearts.
“Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hov’ring there, I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air …
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —
And, while with silent,
lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.”[99]
September 27, 1996, Vicki finally let go of Brandon, and trusted God with his future like never before.
I wrote this “Prayer of Surrender” this evening, after hearing Kay [Zello] speak.
Lord, I give you Brandon tonight. I place him in your hands. I give you all the mistakes I’ve made – all the times I wasn’t there; all the hard words that I said; all the words of praise I never said; all the times I pushed too hard; all the times I didn’t take the time to push at all. I give all my shortcomings as his mother to you. Just as you cover our sins with your blood, cover my inadequacies with that same blood. Fill in all the gaps and be to him all the things that I tried to be, but didn’t know how. I trust you to lead him in the way chosen for him, until he is finally ready to fall on his knees in surrender to you.
I have come to the end of my training and nurturing time, but not you, oh Lord. You are the eternal Father, who never grows weary of guiding us; who never gives up on your wayward sons and daughters. There is little more that I can do. But there is so much more that you can and will do.
I will not worry and fret because my best efforts will not lead him to you. You alone can draw him in. You alone can touch a heart that has hardened itself toward you. You alone can change a rebellious spirit into one that cries out, “I once was lost but now am found; was blind but now I see.” I will trust You to do all this and more in my precious son. Not because he deserves it but because You are trustworthy and true to Your Word.
I will not only place him into your hands, but this time I will try to leave him there. Remind me by your gentle Holy Spirit every time I begin to grow anxious over his future, for it is surely in the hands of an awesome God!
“Lord give me a quiet heart that does not ask to understand, but confident steps forward in the darkness, guided by Thy hand.” – Elizabeth Elliot
This letting go did not happen because Vicki was fed up, and giving up, on Brandon. Remember, there was never any “quit” in her. She’d get tired, like all of us do from time to time, but she’d never give up on anyone – especially anyone in her family.
Rather than give up another person, Vic would choose to give up another part of her self – opening her heart to another change, paradigm shift, or character adjustment. As you can see in her September 28, 1996 entry, she was willing to “die.”
“Except a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die, it cannot bear fruit.”[100]
Lord, help me to continue in the process of dying to self (for surely it shall continue as long as I live), with a quiet and subdued and trusting spirit. You know what you’re doing in my life and the lives of those I love. I need to release my grasp so that I can leap ahead to the next level – a higher and more useful level. All this pain MUST have a purpose. Help me to submit to that purpose, pursue that purpose, and anticipate the fruits of that purpose. I long for the day when I can look back and say, “Ah, so that was it!” But I also long to find a level of living where I can rest in you, even in the midst of the pain; even when nothing makes sense to me. You see the beginning and the end and I must trust you enough to rest in the journey.
You would never lead me to the desert without a way of escape. You will never take me on a path that will harm me or destroy me if it is truly You that is leading. My job is to make time every day to listen to your directions and then follow them without hesitation. If I am walking with you, then great adventures will be ahead for me. Give me a sense of anticipation and hope, for hope in Christ will never disappoint me.
November 18, 1996
Lord, You’re dealing with me again. I seem to be stuck on a plateau, and I sense You want to help me get to a higher place.
I’ve been convicted lately by reading Dr. Oswald Chambers’ chapter on obedience. He says You will never reveal to us the next level until we are being obedient to the things we know to be true at “this” level. Why should You honor me by giving me new spiritual insights when I’m unwilling to do the things I know I ought to do now? With new insights come new responsibilities. “To whom much is given, much is required.”[101]
There is so much that I have learned in 35 years of knowing and serving You. Why does it always seem that I know so little of Your ways?
I’ve made a decision in one area. Since I seem to be unable to find consistent quality time to feed my spirit, I’ve determined to give up TV for a period of time – and spend that time studying Your Word and meditating on YOU. I know You will use the time I give You to help me grow beyond my current state. I’m anxious to see where we’re going next.
Two and a half months later:
February 7, 1997
It feels like a long, dry spell is coming to an end.
Lowell is in Liverpool and Belfast (Northern Ireland) this week, and we’re expecting great things from his time with Dave and our British friends.
I’ve been home from the bank, sick for the last three days – God has been speaking to me through books and His Word. I’m reading Honestly, by Shelia Walsh. God is speaking to me about the need to be real and honest with others. I continue to put up so many walls that I think keep me safe and secure … but a safe life can be a very boring and unproductive life in Christ. God is challenging me, once again, to step out of my comfort zone, and risk exposing myself to others so that He can minister to me and through me in a deeper dimension. How can we experience and appreciate His grace when we don’t admit our need for it?
Vicki was dancing down a road less traveled, becoming more sure-footed with every step, every day that went by. At times she felt like she was competing in one of those marathon dance contests – the ones that used to give a prize to the last couple standing. Even though she was tired, and barely holding on, she was still holding on.
Brandon is headed for court on Feb. 13th, 2 days after his 18th birthday. He got drunk again last weekend, got angry and ended up with 24 stitches in both hands and was arrested for “drunk and disorderly conduct”.
Each new crisis seems to hurt more than the one before. When he’s drunk he’s so full of anger and hate. Where does it come from? What has he buried deep inside that’s causing all this pain? Can You help us to facilitate his escape from bondage? What will be the turning point?
All we can do is remind ourselves that we have placed him in Your hands, Lord, and there could be no safer place.
