Adagio
11. Adagio
Adagio - Any dance to slow music;
also, part of the classical pas de deux in ballet. In classical ballet the pas de deux (duet)
consists of four sections: an opening adagio in which the man supports the woman in turns and balances, followed by a solo variation for each of them, and concluded by a fast coda in which they again dance together.[73]
The chief executive officer of a large company was greatly admired for his energy and drive. But he suffered from one embarrassing weakness: each time he entered the president’s office to make his weekly report, he would wet his pants.
The kindly president advised him to see a urologist, at company expense. But when he appeared before the president the following week, his pants were again wet!
“Didn’t you see the urologist?” asked the president.
“No, he was out. I saw a psychiatrist instead, and I’m cured,” the executive replied.
“I no longer feel embarrassed.”[74]
At this point God knew Vicki needed a recess, a time to regroup from the constant pressure that had been exerted on her spiritual core, so He provided one in August of 1992. It was towards the end of Vicki’s “Mary Trial” that Trinity celebrated its sixth anniversary. After a fantastic dinner party given in our honor she wrote on August 16, 1992:
… Bev Beck sang, “Thank You, Lord” (by Ray Boltz) to Lowell, and on the chorus the whole congregation joined in! The song, and her comments after, was overwhelming. Our people really love us. Thank You, Lord, for leading us all together to worship You and serve You. We’re so grateful for all Your blessings – our hearts are so full. May we all keep our eyes focused on You alone, Lord.
On August 20, 1992 Vicki added this little note into her journal:
I’m trying to learn the discipline of silence. My mind still wanders as I try to listen to the Lord. I have to keep trying and I know, eventually, His voice will break through the clutter.
Then, on August 25, 1992 there was still more “clutter,” but her commitment to the “discipline of silence” paid off. On that day she confesses her fears in her journal, and then waited for God’s response to her cries for help and wisdom.
I’m afraid. Chris [our youngest son] has symptoms of diabetes. [We’re] taking him to the doctor this week. I read Psalm 112 – “Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commands. His children will be mighty in the land; each generation of the upright will be blessed. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”
Lord, either I trust you with my life or I don’t. Do I believe Your Word is true; that You are in control of our steps; that You hear our prayers? YES! Thank You for leading me to this scripture on this day. I haven’t read the Psalms in weeks. If the news is bad, then You have a reason, and You will reveal it to us. Just this past Sunday I was touting the great value of the painful times we go through – times of growth and trust in You … You’ve proven Yourself over and over again in the small things. Maybe it’s time for me to handle something bigger. I have to trust You – without that I have no hope. You are faithful! “Great is Thy Faithfulness … strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”
That week Vicki received the answer to her prayers for Chris:
NO DIABETES! Chris is very healthy and in the 95th percentile for height. Great report. Thank You, Lord.
More preparation was coming, but for now Vicki was in a festive mood! I remember us coming through the front door of our home after our visit to Chris’ doctor, and she wanted to dance! Her face was radiant, and her laugh was up a notch in volume.
King David sang in Psalm 32:7, “For You are my hiding place; You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory!”[75]
A sweet peace came into the Qualls household. In the winter of 1992-93, not long after celebrating Chris’ great medical report, Vicki wrote:
When the alarm went off at 6 AM I hit the snooze button like I have every morning this week. I thought, “I’m too tired to get up.”
I felt the strongest impression – “You get so upset with people for not being committed to church, and you’re even committed to your time with Me. You accuse them in your heart of letting the slightest, little thing keep them away, and you’re doing the same thing concerning your time with Me. Which is worse??”
It’s so much easier to see other’s faults then to see our own. I value our time together, Lord, so much. It means more to me than anything else that I do … yet I so easily let it slip by for days at a time. Will I ever develop the kind of discipline I desire? I’m great at short-term commitments, but this long-term stuff is harder!!
I promise to keep working on it if You promise to keep working on me.
One of the ways God worked on her was through the antics of The Three Amigos. Vicki’s three boys – me, Brandon and Chris – would create many challenges, so it was a good thing she was spending more and more time with her Lord. Her experiences with The Three Amigos shaped most of what became her character. That is, we were the tools God used the most to develop her spirituality.
The Three Amigos made Vicki’s world go around. We were the joy of her life. She treasured us most days and tolerated us on our “off days.” She loved us every day – that despite being her ball-and-chain from time to time. There were times we made her laugh until she couldn’t breathe. Then there were times when we made her cry herself to sleep (when she could find sleep) because of our shenanigans. Each one of us, in our turn, could be sandpaper one day and offer a soft, healing touch the next.
All Three Amigos wish we had been better to her, but if you asked Vicki how we performed throughout her life, she’d say we were “always wonderful.” Funny the way her memory worked. Even in her journal she “kissed away” our wayward misbehaviors with her adoration. Over time, the Three Amigos could honestly say that, 99% of the time, Vicki practiced unconditional love. No small feat. The other 1% of the time she was battling her inclination toward “performance-driven affection and acceptance” (her words).
In August of 1992 she wrote,
Chris is shoplifting. Brandon stole several items out of our neighbor’s house. We’re devastated. They both seem repentant – but can we trust them again? Please Lord, help us. We feel so out of control.
We had a neighbor, Karen Titcomb, that Vicki really liked. When Karen and her husband discovered some items missing from their home we wondered who could possibly do such a thing in our neighborhood. When we found the missing items in Brandon’s bedroom Vicki was embarrassed beyond belief.
Vic had talked “over the fence” to Karen many times about the positive impact God had had on our family. Imagine her feelings as she walked with our son over to her house to return the items.
When we got the call from the Mall that Chris had been detained for shoplifting in the same week, Vicki’s world was really shaken. She cried all the way to the Mall, bravely went with me into the Security Office to pick up our youngest, and cried all the way home. Chris was released into our custody and told he couldn’t come back to that Mall, ever again – in the company of his parents or not. That night Vic read the story of the Prodigal Son[76] and wondered if she “… had the grace to EVER be a compassionate or forgiving parent” again. Of course, she did.
She never gave up on The Three Amigos, and she never gave herself permission to suspend God’s character-building process in her life.
Vicki was willing to keep on keeping on because she had seen so many churchy people just quit – give up – along the way, going into full retreat – reverting back to pre-Christian attitudes and behaviors. She, on the other hand, kept saying, “As long as I don’t QUIT, God can help me. The moment I quit, I will only reverse all that He has done in my life. At the same time I’ll qualify as the most ungrateful person in the world!”
We reminded each other, “God can help a failure, but He can’t help a quitter.” She lived it. We had taken a good look at the accounts of two of Christ’s disciples – Peter and Judas. During one of the most critical times in the life of Jesus both men rejected, denied, and turned their backs on Him.
As for Judas, he was wrong – dead wrong – when He sold Jesus out for the money. But Peter was just as wrong when he denied knowing Jesus before the staring, finger-pointing courtyard of the high priest crowd. Judas was either greedy or disillusioned – we don’t know for sure what motivated his betrayal, but we know, for sure, what was at the root of Peter’s duplicity. He was a prideful coward.
What Vic and I saw in the story of these two disciples was, when the full weight of their stupid decisions hit them, Judas and Peter went in opposite directions. Judas quit! He wrongly figured that he had committed an unpardonable sin … so he went to the nearest tree and hung himself. Dead. Done. Peter was humiliated, and ashamed. But Peter didn’t quit.
It doesn’t say in the Bible exactly what Peter did moments after the realization hit him that he was a total and complete failure as a follower of Jesus Christ. (I suspect, since he was a seafaring man, he went to the closest pub and drank himself blind.) We do know that he, at least, rejoined the other cowards (because everyone had run, it turns out). The other disciples were hiding from the authorities until news of the Resurrection came their way. But, and this is significant, because Peter didn’t quit, he totally recovered. He ended up leading the infant New Testament Church.
Both Peter and Judas failed, but here’s what we learn from their stories: God can help a failure, but even God can’t help a quitter.
Vicki knew that truth. She refused to quit on herself when she failed. She would be humiliated, either by our behavior or hers, but she’d force herself to keep going and growing. Sometimes she’d say some awful things that she would regret later on, but she’d ask us for forgiveness, and she’d continue to mature as a person, a wife, and a mother.
As the winter of 1993 gave way to spring, another event took place – one that we would look back on in wonder. On May 19, 1993 Vicki put this down:
I’d been having pain in my lower abdomen. After an ultrasound it seems I have a growth on my left ovary that needs to come out. Don’t know how serious. After a day of questions and fear, I feel peace settling in again. I waited a day to tell Lowell. I know he’ll worry and I won’t even see a doctor until next week.
Waiting is hard … but this is good practice in disciplining my mind. It’s pointless to play out all the “what if” scenarios. I reread my October 1991 entry about my premonition [about one day having cancer], and I still believe God is in control of my life. His love for me is so far beyond my understanding.
For instance – PaPaw (Clyde Burnette – Vicki’s grandfather on her mother’s side) died on May 4th, and we buried him on the 10th. What a wonderful miracle that my mother was able to lead him to salvation just a few days before his death. God arranged so many circumstances to soften his hard heart in the month before he died. Only a God of love could be so persistent and so responsive to our many prayers. [God] is so merciful.
Right now I’m filled with Your peace, Lord. I only hope that if things get tough I can make You proud of me.
Those are the words of someone who didn’t have “quit” in their vocabulary or their thinking.
I want you to have the context of the journal entry above. Just weeks after her PaPaw died of prostate cancer, Vicki is having abdominal pain and a sense of déjà vu. In the midst of celebrating her grandfather’s “home-going,” she’s harkening back to a night in October of 1991 when she felt God forewarned her that cancer might be in her future.
She was conflicted. When PaPaw lost his battle with cancer, the romantic notions of combating a killer disease for the glory of God hit a wall called Reality.
Vicki knew a battle was coming. She knew she was being prepared for a fight. I recorded in my own personal journal (for sermon preparation purposes) what she told me, word for word, shortly after PaPaw died: “I want to become even more intimate with the Lord, but now I think there is a cost to be paid for such intimacy. Having such a close relationship with Him requires total surrender to His will, whatever that may be. I always thought doing His will would be exhilarating, adventurous, and even fun. I’m beginning to think that, along with those things, doing His will has a different kind of reward. It’s a deeper, more long-term satisfaction. It’s the kind of reward I’ve never experienced but deep inside I know exists. It’s a reward in another dimension, one I’m not familiar with … yet … but one I must have.”
That’ll preach … and did.
One day Vicki was given a fitting present. Someone with tremendous insight gave her a pink “Ever-Ready Bunny” toy. You know, the one that “… keeps going and going and going.” It came with this note: “You have no QUIT in you!”
